IELTS WRITING Task 2: Computers

[Phuong_Thao_Tran]

Hi, I’m preparing for my English test this Thursday, and here is my writing, can you please give me some comments on this ? And can you please evaluate my writing according to this: the total mark is 15 . Thank you so much !

• Content: 50% of the total mark: enough relevant main ideas.
• Language: 30 % of the total mark: use of variety of vocabulary and structures. +Presentation: 20% of the total mark: use of linking words and phrases, etc.

**That many students are far tii dependent on computers for their study may have some negative effects. To what extent do you agree or disagree ? **

Computers have long been an essential tool in all areas of education. Nowadays, the number of students using this kind of gadget is increasing. While there are some agurment against the disadvantages of depending on computers for learning, I personally believe that its has some negative impacts on the way students study.
Firstly, computers provide students with a wide variety of learning materials which are really useful for their study. However, they have a tendency to misusing this source of knowledge as they might use Internet to search the keys of the exercises and copy them down instead of thinking about it by themselves.
Secondly, students relying on computers too much might suffer from spelling mistakes. This is due to the fact that they use word processors to type and in the long run, they might lose the ability of writing with hand.
And finally, becoming reliant on computers results in some of the most common health problems. Muscle degradation which is caused by typing too much is a good example of this. In addition, the detrimental effects of abusing computers on our eyes must not be neglected.
In conclusion, while computers play an important part in the way students learn, their drawbacks far outweight their benefits in the long run.

[Luschen]

Hi Phuong Thao Tran, welcome to the forum.
I am sorry, but I am not really familar with this 15 point scale, so I don’t think I should guess what it might score. I do think your ideas are relevant and your writing is clear. You also have good linking words and phrases, so your writing flows pretty well. Here are some specific suggestions:

@Phuong_Thao_Tran

Computers have long been an essential tool in all areas of education. Nowadays, the number of students using this kind of gadget {calling a computer a “gadget” is not quite correct} is increasing. While there are some [arguments] against the disadvantages {“against the disadvantages” seems confusing - it would be more clear to say something like “some arguments why depending on computers for learning is not a problem, I …”} of depending on computers for learning, I personally believe that [it] {or better, “this trend”} has some negative impacts on the way students study. {make sure to include the extent to which you agree in your thesis - strongly, somewhat, completely }
Firstly, [it might be argued that] computers provide students with a wide variety of learning materials which are really useful for their study. {this topic sentence as written was too positive - you should add in a note of doubt like I have done} However, they have a tendency to [misuse] this source of knowledge as they might use [the] Internet to search [for] the [answer] keys of the exercises and copy them down instead of thinking about it by themselves.
Secondly, students relying on computers too much might suffer from spelling mistakes. This is due to the fact that they use word processors to type and in the long run, they might lose the ability of writing [by] hand. {this is different than loosing the ability to spell correctly}
[Finally,] {avoid beginning sentences with “and” or “but”} becoming reliant on computers results in some of the most common health problems. Muscle degradation[,] which is caused by typing too much is a good example of this. In addition, the detrimental effects [on our eyes] of abusing computers on our eyes must not be neglected.
In conclusion, while computers play an important part in the way students learn, their drawbacks far [outweigh] their benefits in the long run. {this seems a little strong - the prompt is not asking whether the drawbacks outweigh the advantages, it is simply asking if there are drawbacks or negative effects}

[Phuong_Thao_Tran]

thank you so muchhhh for your comment ^^