IELTS Writing Task 1, please give a possible grade for me, THX!

[sylvia]

The three pie charts show the changes in annual spending from five aspects, Insurance, teachers’ salaries, furniture and equipment, resources and other workers’ salaries. And these fluctuations happened in a particular UK school separately in 1981,1991 and 2001. So we can see every ten years’ inclination of the school spending are stably increasing on insurance, its proportion of the whole spending was increased by 1% and 5% from the very beginning 2%. And the second attractive data is the declining portion of other workers’ salaries, decreasing by 6% and 7% to a 15%, which is only 1 in 3 of the teachers’ salaries in 2001. Besides, after a boost to 20%, in 2001 resources’ part fell to a poor 9%. On the contrary, after a shrinking ratio to 5% from 15%, in 2001 furniture and equipment accounted for as much as 23%. And it possibly influenced by the highly developed technologies in this age. Finally, the proportion of teachers’ salaries escalated from 40% to 50% in 1991 and later descended to 45%, which is not modified at a large scale as other parts.

[Luschen]

Hi Sylvia, I’m afraid your report had some deficiencies. First, you should begin by “reporting the main features”. Here, over the entire 20 year period, insurance increased, other workers’ salaries decreased, and the other line items fluctuated, with the furniture and equipment category experiencing the most radical swings. You have tried to use good description words, but some of them are not used correctly. Also, when you talk about how something changed, if you just give the change, "it went up 10% and then down 5%, it is not as clear as including the time frame as well as the initial and final values. Overall, I think I would rate this one a band 5. Here are some specific suggestions.

@sylvia

The three pie charts show the changes in annual spending {try to rephrase this - you could say “show how the yearly spending on five … salaries, has changed over the years.”} from five aspects, Insurance, teachers’ salaries, furniture and equipment, resources and other workers’ salaries. [Specifically] {avoid beginning sentences with “and” or “but”} these fluctuations happened in a particular UK school separately in 1981,1991 and 2001. {this is not really correct - the fluctutions occured constantly, even in the years not shown. We are only given these three different data points, each one decade apart} So we can see every ten years’ inclination {“inclintion” is not correct here - I am not sure what you mean} of the school spending are stably increasing {“stably increasing” a contradiction - it is either stable, increasing, or decreasing. You mean steadily increasing} on insurance, its proportion of the whole [expenditure] was increased {very rarely will you use passive tense when explaining charts like this} by 1% and 5% from the very beginning 2% [value at the very beginning]. And the second attractive {“attractive” does not mean interesting or that it attracts your attention, it just means good or physically attractive} data is the declining portion of other workers’ salaries, decreasing by 6% and 7% to a 15%, {this explanation of numbers wiithout years is confusing to me} which is only 1 in 3 of the teachers’ salaries in 2001.{this is confusing - 1 in 3 means 1/3 of the teachers. you must say “one third of the amount spent on teacher’s salaries” } Besides,{“besides” is only used to give an additional reason - it does not work in this context} after a boost to 20%, in 2001 resources’ part [fo the budget] fell to a poor
{“poor” is a subjective word - it is not that more money is good and less money is bad in this case} 9%. On the contrary, after a shrinking ratio to 5% from 15%, in 2001 furniture and equipment accounted for as much as 23%.{“as much as” means it went up and down and briefly hit 23% at one time. It doesn’t work for a single point of data} [This increase was] possibly influenced by the highly developed technologies in this age. Finally, the proportion of teachers’ salaries escalated from 40% to 50% in 1991 and later descended to 45%, which is not modified [did not experience variations] at [as] large [a ] scale as other parts.