IELTS Writing task 1: Bar -The latest actual test

[kelvincumberbatch]

Dear teacher,

Please help me check this IELTS Writing task 1 essay.

The given bar chart compares the figure of overweight males and females in Australia between 1980 to 2010.

Overall, it can be seen that Australia males had the highest percentage throughout these years. Both followed an increasing trend till 2000 and drop slightly in 2010.

In 1980, the figure for overweight Australian males accounted for 40%. Apart from it, females that were overweight was approximately 32%. This trend continued to increase for the next three years.

In 2000, the percentage of overweight Australian man reached its peak at nearly 65. The same is for Australian females with approximately 52%. The opposite trend happened in 2010 when both overweight males and females had experienced a slight drop, the figure for overweight males was slightly more than 60% and for females, it is roughly 52%.

[Luschen]

Hi, sometimes the simpler graphs can cause ESL students more trouble.
This seems to be the case here, as this report had a lot of unclear sentences and awkward sounding phrases. Here are some specific comments:

@kelvincumberbatch

The given bar chart compares the [figures for] overweight males and females in Australia between 1980 [and] 2010. {or “from 1980 to 2010”}

Overall, it can be seen that [Australian] males had the highest percentage {this is unclear - did they have the highest percentage of weight or did they have the highest percent of people who had excessive weight? Also, using “highest” with only two groups sounds a bit odd} throughout these years. Both {both of who? You have only mentioned men in this paragraph - both men?} followed an increasing trend till 2000 and [dropped] slightly [by] 2010.

In 1980, the figure for overweight Australian males accounted for 40%. {accounted for 40% of what? 40% of the total? No, this would mean 40% of all the overweight people were men, which is not correct} Apart from it, {“apart from it” sounds odd and unclear here} females [who] {I prefer using “who” with people} were overweight was approximately 32%. This trend {what is the trend? - more males being overweight than females? This is unclear, since you have only described one data point, which doesn’t really describe a trend} continued to increase for the next three years.

In 2000, the percentage of overweight Australian [men] reached its peak at nearly [65%]. {this is a very good sentence} The same [was true] for Australian females with [a similar peak of] approximately 52%. The opposite trend {the trend is still unclear to me} happened in 2010 when both overweight males and females had experienced a slight drop, [with] the figure for overweight males was slightly more than 60% [while] for females, it [was] roughly 52%.

[mona10]

The given bar graph depicts the proportionate information of overweight men and women from 1980 to 2010 in Australia.

Overall, it might be observed that the male candidates were continually rising during the three decades but decreased slightly in 2010. The overweight men and women were on spike during the year 2000 though on the least in 1980. In 1980 the average of overweight men were 40% and women were around 30% but in 2000 there is a significant increase in both genders, the men plunged on 65% to being overweight and women rise above 50% additionally the women remain constant on the same proportion of 50% in the next decade of 2010.Moreover, in 2010 there is a considerable decline in the proportion of overweight male candidates which was 60%.

Furthermore, in 1990 the both genders were almost similar in the proportion of overweight with a minimal difference of 3% as the men were 48% and women were 45%.

Plz help me to rectify this writing.