Ielts Writing: Some people believe that children should obey rules to parents and teachers, some others believe that less controlling will help children deal with adult life.Discuss both sides and your opinion


#1

Dear Teacher, I am Sophia. I have IELTS two weeks later.
Please help me with writing for IELTS task 2. Can you correct my mistakes and give me a score. Thank you.

There are various different perspectives on the issue of whether or not parents and teachers should set strict rules for children to obey. Some people suggest that rules have a positive role during childhood. However, in this essay I will argue that it is harmful to children. There are two main reasons for this.

First of all, it is a well-known fact that happy childhood creates happy society. For example, children from less controlling family are more creative than children from strict one, although I agree that well-behavior children are mostly from strict parenting, the issues it causes are far more than people think.

In addition to this, the impact of strict parents is depressing for children. For one instance, One of my classmates in elementary school came from a military family. He knew nothing but obeying rules. This led to him feeling isolation and frustration, which means that this situation should be taken very seriously.

In conclusion, I once again restate my view that children should 100% obey rules has a negative effect on their lives because over-correct.Furthermore, children with less controlling can learn and solve problems by themselves which is much helpful for their adult life.


#2

Hi Sophia, welcome to the forum. Your English seems quite good, but I am afraid this essay will not score very high. It is critical for you to address the prompt correctly. Here, the prompt asks you do discuss both sides of the issue. For this type of prompt you should have one paragraph where you discuss the benefits of strict discipline, a second paragraph where you discuss the drawbacks of such discipline, and then a third paragraph where you discuss your personal opinion. This third paragraph can be combined with your conclusion. Furthermore, the prompt mentions both parents and teachers, but your essay only talks about parenting, nothing about schools or teachers. Make sure your essay addresses all parts of the prompt without introducing any extraneous elements. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but it would be a shame for you not to score at your capability simply because you did not answer the prompt correctly. Here are some specific suggestions on your writing:

There are various different {“various different” sounds somewhat redundant} perspectives on the issue of whether or not parents and teachers should set strict rules for children to obey. Some people suggest that rules have a positive role during childhood. However, in this essay I will argue that it is harmful to children[, for two main reasons] There are two main reasons for this.

First of all, it is a well-known fact that happy childhood creates [a ]happy society. For example, children from less controlling [families] are more creative than children from strict [ones.] {this seems like a claim that cannot be made without giving some type of proof or evidence or at least reasoning} [Although] I agree that [well-behaved] children are mostly [a result of] strict parenting, the issues [such discipline] causes are far more than people think.

In addition to this, the impact of strict parents is depressing for children. For one instance, [one] of my classmates in elementary school came from a military family. He knew nothing but obeying rules. This led to him feeling isolation and frustration, which means that this situation should be taken very seriously.

In conclusion, I once again restate my view that [the belief that] children should 100% {100% used like this as an adverb sounds a little too informal} obey rules [one hundred percent of the time] has a negative effect on their lives because [of over-correction]. {this still sounds a little vague - I think you have to say what you mean by over-correction} Furthermore, children with less controlling [environments] can learn and solve problems by themselves[,] which is much helpful for their adult life. {this sounds like you are introducing another reason in your conclusion. Make sure you introduce new reasons in the body paragraphs - the conclusion should serve as a summary with perhaps a call to action included}