Ielts Writing - essay

[thaodang119]

Hi leaders, please help me check this essay, thank you so much.

Children’s education is expensive. In some countries, the government pays some or all of the costs.
Do the advantages outweigh its disadvantages?

Parents nowadays have to struggle to pay for a great deal of money for their children’s education; therefore, the government should introduce certain types of financial aid to support children. Although it may bring downsides for students, the returns are highly justifiable.

On the one hand, this strategy might have several disadvantages. First, since students do not have to pay tuition fees, they may not appropriate the effort of school and teachers make, which leads to the disrespect and improper attitudes to their education. For example, they may not fulfill tasks given by their teachers, or even plat truant from important lessons. In addition, students are less likely to have available for individualized instructions from teachers within public schools. In fact, due to governmental fund on education, many students including pupils from impoverished families have equal educational opportunities, thus, the class size will certainly expand that leads to a shortage of time for the teacher to support their students, especially average ones. As a result, this could increase the disparity in student’s academic achievement.

On the other hand, subsidization from the government to education offer immense benefits to society. By providing free education, children coming from poor socio-economic background can enter school that would result in the reduction of illiteracy rate. Consequently, this would create skilled workforce to satisfy the demand for job market. Furthermore, more study chances are given, fewer criminals the country will have. Since most of the students are educated in government-funded schools, it is possible for them to find a good job after leaving school. They, hence, are less likely to get involved in crimes such burglaries, or pickpocket.

In conclusion, although financing for adult’s education comes at a price, the advantages still outweigh disadvantages. Offering free education to children may stimulate the growth of society.

[Luschen]

Hi Nancy, I think you have addressed the prompt well, but your essay does not make it clear enough why the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. It is good to give these advantages and disadvantages as you have done, but I think it would be more effective to show that the disadvantages can be easily overcome. You could simply add one sentence after each disadvantage. Like, “… from important lessons. Nevertheless, pursuing modern teaching methods that are successful in grabbing students’ attention will go a long way towards addressing this problem of disinterest.” and “… academic achievement. Still, this is not really a disadvantage of publicly funded education, but a disadvantage of meager education budgets. Acknowledging the importance of education by devoting adequate budgets to the educational system will easily solve these shortcomings.” By adding these sentences you make it very clear that the advantages are real and the disadvantages can be easily overcome. Besides, this, your writing was clear and understandable for the most part, although you do have a few errors in grammar and sentence structure:

@thaodang119

Parents nowadays have to struggle to pay for a great deal of money for their children’s education;{ I think you need one more sentence or clause here - "In certain nations, the school system is funded partially or completely by the authorities, through taxes. This method is clearly superior, therefore … " This would tie your thesis closer to the prompt} therefore, the government should introduce certain types of financial aid to support children. Although it may bring downsides for students, the returns are highly justifiable.

On the one hand, this strategy might have several disadvantages. First, since students do not have to pay tuition fees, they may not appropriate {“appropriate” is not correct here - maybe you mean “appreciate”?} the effort of [schools] and teachers make, which leads to the disrespect and improper attitudes [that often hinder] their education. For example, they may not fulfill tasks given by their teachers, or even [be] truant {maybe you combined “be truant” with “play hooky”, although the second is slang and probably not appropriate for a formal essay} {this sentence structure was a little confusing because the “may not” could apply to the “be truant”, so “they may not be truant”, which is opposite of what you mean - better to separate the clauses ore clearly - “… may not fulfill tasks given by their teacher and could even be truant …” } from important lessons. In addition, students are less likely to have [availability] {the teachers are the ones who would not be available or would not have availability} for individualized instructions from teachers within public schools. In fact, due to governmental [funding for] education, many students including pupils from impoverished families have equal educational opportunities, thus, the class size will certainly expand[, leading] to a shortage of time for the teacher to support their students, especially average ones. As a result, this could increase the disparity in student’s academic achievement. {this is a good point, but combining this disadvantage with the advantage of wider educational opportunities confuses your argument. I think the fundamental problem you should concentrate on is that the government funding tends to be inadequate. Thus, not enough teachers are hired, leading to large class sizes and lack of individualized attention.}

On the other hand, subsidization from the government to education [offers] immense benefits to society. By providing free education, children coming from poor socio-economic [backgrounds] can enter school that would [resulting] in the reduction of [the] illiteracy rate. Consequently, this would create [a ]skilled workforce to satisfy the demand [of the] job market. Furthermore, [the] more study chances are given, [the] fewer {or “Furthermore, as more study chances are given, fewer individuals from poor families will choose to become criminals.” For your structure, it is always “the greater/more …, the less/fewer” in other words, we start each comparison with “the”} criminals the country will have. Since most of the students are educated in government-funded schools, it is possible for them to find a good job after leaving school. They, hence, are less likely to get involved in crimes such [as] burglaries, or [pickpocketing]. {the “pickpocket” is the criminal, like a thief or a burglar. “Pickpocketing” is the crime, like stealing or burglary.}

In conclusion, although financing for adult’s education {the prompt is not about “adult education” - that is a different type of education altogether} comes at a price, the advantages still outweigh [the] disadvantages. Offering free education to children [is the best way to] stimulate the growth of society. {this was too mild}