Ielts test - Please give me advises

English as a Second Language English Vocabulary, Grammar and Idioms
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The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum.

To extent do you agree or disagree?

The percentage of obese children has been increasing alarmingly in modern social life over the past decades that placing the health care system under pressure to tackle this issue. I completely agree the view that the key to solve this problem is that increasing physical activities in school.

To begin with, having more sport and exercises in the curriculum school will help sharpen pupil’s fitness and turn them into active person. In fact, when learners get to access moderate intensity physical activities following their teacher’s instructions, they can increase their energy expenditure in the body. If the energy is not released it will be stored as fat that is a main factor of causing obesity. Besides, by participating in these events, students are more likely to find their passion on any type of sports and develop healthy habit in both now and in the future. Extra-curricular sessions are also encouraged in most of schools, that provide children physical environment to take part in which in turn they become fitter and more active in early stage.

Another benefit of increasing exercise time in school day is that promoting lifelong fitness not only for school-aged kids but also for their parents. Curriculum-based physical education program teaches students how to exercise and provide technical movement skills that they apply them in their daily life. To ensure children to maintain such healthy habit parents willing to get involved in as a way to encourage them. This is an effective and natural method to gain healthy weight and reduce a probability of obesity in public.

In conclusion, having more physical lesson in the school plays an important role in minimizing a risk of childhood obesity and makes young generations fitter and active and make public health improvement.

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Hi Nancy, welcome to the forum. Let me state the correct prompt - yours is not exactly correct:

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

I think you answered the prompt pretty well, but your second body paragraph seems somewhat repetitive of your first body paragraph. Both of them talk about forming good habits. This is a strong argument, but you should not repeat it in two separate paragraphs. Plus, stating that this will only work if parents support it is not really an additional reason, this is actually a drawback - what about those kids whose parents do not support the habits? I thought you were going to say that the students’ good exercise habits might rub off on their parents, and encourage them to exercise as well, but that is not what you said. One option might be to establish in the first paragraph that obesity is indeed a big problem and that it is caused by a lack of knowledge about the importance of physical activity and a disinterest in sports or active hobbies. Then your second paragraph can show how physical education in schools best addresses these root causes of obesity. Here are some other specific comments:

Your writing is clear and understandable. [quote=“thaodang119, post:1, topic:146054”]
The percentage of obese children has been increasing alarmingly in modern [society] social life {“social life” means the things you do you in your free time - “She has an active social life; she goes out every weekend.”} over the past decades that [is] placing the health care system under pressure {better to say “placing pressure on the health care system”} to tackle this issue. I completely agree [with] the view that the key to [solving] this problem is [through] increasing physical activities in school. {careful, physical activities is not really the same as physical education, though it is true that physical education often involves doing physical activities}

To begin with, [by] having more [instruction involving] sport and exercises in the curriculum[,] school will help sharpen [pupils’] fitness and turn them into active [people]. In fact, when learners get to access moderate intensity {this is not an adjective - maybe “physical activities of moderate intensity” or "moderately intense physical activities} physical activities following their teacher’s instructions, they can increase [the] energy expenditure in [their bodies]. If the energy is not released[,] it will be stored as fat[, which] is a main factor of causing obesity. Besides, by participating in these events, students are more likely to find their passion [in] any type of sports and develop healthy [habits,] in both now and in the future. Extra-curricular sessions are also encouraged in most of schools,{no comma here with “that”, though “, which” is probably better since this is non-essential information “Which” Versus “That” - Quick and Dirty Tips } that provide children [a suitable] physical environment to take part in[ strenuous activities,] which in turn [allows them to] become fitter and more active [at an] early stage [in life].

Another benefit of increasing exercise time in [the] school day is that [it promotes] lifelong fitness not only for school-aged kids but also for their parents. Curriculum-based physical education program teaches students how to exercise and [provides] technical movement skills that they [can] apply them in their daily life. To ensure children to maintain such healthy [habits,] parents [must be] willing to get involved in [physical pastimes as well,] as a way to encourage them. This is an effective and natural method to [maintain a] healthy weight and reduce [the] probability of obesity [among the] public.

In conclusion, having more physical [fitness lessons] in the school plays an important role in minimizing a risk of childhood obesity and makes young generations fitter [and more] active[, resulting in an overall] public health improvement.
[/quote]

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Hi Nancy, in addition to TJ’s detailed assessment I’d like to point out that advice is an uncountable noun.

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Thank you so much. I tried to rewrite it thank to your comments. Please give me advice. Tks

The health care system is under pressure to reduce the increasing number of obese people. Some people believe that expanding amount of time in physical education in school curriculum is the key to tackle epidemic obesity; I completely agree with this point of view.

Firstly, having more PE class in school make children knowledgeable and be more active. In fact, when students take part in PE lessons, they are not only educated about safe and proper techniques or movements skills, but also how to stay fit and healthy. Such skills and knowledge are necessary for them to apply both inside and outside school. In addition, while having more time in physical education class, sedentary lifestyle is dwindling away in children. Obviously, most school-aged youth spending large of portion of their day sitting in class means that they are more likely to be active and to avoid playing sport with their friends. However, by enforcing pupils to attend moderate intensive physical education in class and engaging them in extra curriculum, they must be more active and fitter.

Secondly, this method also brings long-term benefits to children’s life. Kids completely find their interest in sport through physical activities in class and integrate it into their route activities. Furthermore, their interest might fill through other members in the family or their peers by participating constructive activities such as football, basketball as recreational activities. Parents have a tendency to get involved with their kids as an encouragement way to maintain this healthy habit. In turn, obesity reduction not only happens in youth generations but also in older generations.

In conclusion, having more exercises in PE class is either the effective solution for obesity prevention or the way to promote children’s interest in sport in school and their daily activities.

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Hi, I think it is a big improvement, here are some suggestions:

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