IELTS TASK2: Discuss both views

[sophia]

Hi~teacher, this is new both views question. I try to focus on the question and not lose my track. Could you please grade my essay, I want to know where my level is. Thank you.

Q: Some people think "vertical "city is the best, where people live and work in tall buildings. Others think "horizontal" city is better, where there are few tall buildings. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Recently, there are variety of different perspectives in the issue of whether people should live in a place with many tall buildings or not. Some people believe that living and working in tall buildings is more suitable for modern life. Other people suggest that choosing a place with fewer buildings is safer and healthier. I support the second idea that people shouldn’t live in a city with many tall buildings.

First of all, it is a well-known fact that the living and working space of vertical cities is relatively smaller than horizontal cities. Besides, tall buildings are more dangerous when an earthquake or a fire occur. In one instance, there was an earthquake few years ago in Tainan which is one of the crowded cities in Taiwan. Many tall buildings were damaged at that time and this situation caused a lot of casualties. Although I agree that it is more convenient to have a good housing-management in tall buildings, the living style is still not attracted to me.

On the other hand, the horizontal cities are less crowded and healthier for everyone. For a city with many tall buildings, there is always too crowded and too much people will cause problems such as traffic congestion and air pollution. Furthermore, from environmental perspective, a city with many skyscrapers usually need more air conditioning which causing the greenhouse effect. So I feel that it is better for children to grow up and adults to work in a horizontal city.

In conclusion, I once again restate my view that living in a horizontal city is safer and more suitable life style.

[Luschen]

Hi Sophia, I am so sorry, but you did not use the correct essay format for this type of prompt.
The prompts asks you to “discuss both views”. You have not discussed the view that vertical cities are better at all. Instead you just discussed the drawbacks of vertical cities. Really this essay would not be ideal for any prompt. For this prompt, one paragraph should have discussed the advantages of vertical cities and the second paragraph the advantages of horizontal cities. Then a third paragraph which could be combined with your conclusion, would give your opinion. Even if the prompt had been an agree/disagree type prompt, it would have been better to put the disadvantages of vertical cities in the first paragraph, and then put the advantages of horizontal cities in the second paragraph. This would allow a broader range of ideas. I cannot stress enough how important this is. Your writing is good enough to score a band 6.5, but if they feel you did not address the prompt correctly, they would only give you a band 4.

@sophia

Recently, there are variety of different perspectives [of] {or better “perspectives concerning the issue”} the issue of whether people should live in a place with many tall buildings {use “skyscrapers” to avoid repetition} or not. Some people believe that living and working in [high-rise buildings] is more suitable for modern life. Other people suggest that choosing a place with fewer buildings {it is not fewer buildings, it is lower or low-rise buildings, often located in the suburbs} is safer and healthier. I support the second idea that people shouldn’t live in a city with many tall buildings. {try to avoid the repetition of “tall buildings” I have given you some, or you could say “a dense built-up area”, }

First of all, it is a well-known fact that the living and working space of vertical cities is relatively smaller than horizontal cities. {I think you need to give a little definition of “vertical and horizontal cities” - it is not really a common term, and the essay should be able to stand on its own without the reader having to refer back to the prompt} {you should have at least one explanation or example for each point - you should not just include this unsupported statement or your essay will not feel well-developed. You could continue by saying “In the urban cores where these high-rises are generally located, land prices are at a premium.
As a result, workers and residents are crowded together as closely as is feasible.” Just something to explain and build upon your point } Besides, tall buildings are more dangerous when an earthquake or a fire [occurs]. In one instance, there was an earthquake [a] few years ago in Tainan[,] which is one of the [most] crowded cities in Taiwan. Many tall buildings were damaged at that time and this situation caused a lot of casualties. Although I agree that it is more convenient to have a good housing-management {this phrase doesn’t really make sense - what is “housing-management”?} in tall buildings, the living style is still not [attractive] to me. {if something is attracted to you, you attract them, not vice versa}

On the other hand, the horizontal cities, [with wide, low buildings of only a few stories,] are less crowded and healthier for everyone. {make sure your topic sentence matches the rest of the paragraph. From this topic sentence I expect to hear about the benefits of “horizontal cities”. Perhaps space for trees and parks, room to breathe, a view of the sky, and so on. Instead you have continued just giving the drawbacks of vertical cities} For a city with many tall buildings, [it] is always too crowded and too [many] people will cause problems such as traffic congestion and air pollution. Furthermore, from [an] environmental perspective, a city with many skyscrapers usually [needs] more air conditioning which [causes] {or more accurately, “which contributes to”} the greenhouse effect. So I feel that it is better for children to grow up and adults to work in a horizontal city.

In conclusion, I once again restate my view that living in a horizontal city is [a] safer and more suitable life style.

[sophia]

What a huge and obvious mistake I made. I am so sorry about that I didn’t really follow your advice, I will do it again later. Thank you very much.

[sophia]

I rewrite it a little bit. Can you please help me again, thank you.

Recently, there are variety of different perspectives concerning the issue of whether people should live in a place with many tall buildings or not. Some people believe that living and working in high-rise buildings is more suitable for modern life. Other people suggest that choosing a place with fewer skyscrapers is more comfortable and healthier. I support the second idea that people shouldn’t live in a dense built-up area”.

Some people favor living or working in tall building. First of all, high-rise buildings are more economical as buying small land and constructing a tall building is more affordable than purchasing a widespread land. And some businessperson like to work in high floor office to demonstrate their power. Furthermore, high-rise buildings usually have security and elevators. This kind of buildings is not only safe but convenient for both children and elderly people.

On the other hand, the horizontal cities with wide, low buildings of only a few stories are less crowded and healthier for everyone. There are more space for trees and parks, room to breathe, a view of the sky, and so on. I prefer living in a place with more space and parks, so I feel that it is better for children to grow up and less stressful for adults to work in a horizontal city.

In conclusion, I once again restate my view that living in a horizontal city is a more comfortable and suitable life style.

[Luschen]

Hi Sophia, I think this is much better. You do need to have a little more development in your body paragraphs though. I think it would be better for you to have only two reasons per paragraph, each of which is developed somewhat with an example or explanation, than to have three reasons that are not really developed at all.
Also, it is better to have one paragraph supporting each side of the argument, and then to put your opinion in the conclusion.
I have made these changes below to let you see what I am talking about.

@sophia

Recently, there are variety of different perspectives concerning the issue of whether people should live in a place with many tall buildings or not. Some people believe that living and working in high-rise buildings is more suitable for modern life. Other people suggest that choosing a place with fewer skyscrapers is more comfortable and healthier. [Although each viewpoint has its strong points,] I support the second idea that people [should not] {avoid contractions in formal essays} live in a dense built-up area.

Some people favor living or working in [a] tall building. First of all, high-rise buildings are more economical as buying [a ]small [amount of] land and constructing a tall building is more affordable than purchasing a widespread [the many acres of] land [required for broad, low buildings]. And some [businesspeople] like to work in high floor [offices] to demonstrate their power. [A corner office on the fiftieth story overlooking the city is a sign for some strivers that they have truly achieved success] {adding a bit of detail to improve development} Furthermore, high-rise buildings usually have security and elevators. [With such amenities,] This kind of [building] is [therefore] not only safe but convenient for both children and elderly people.

On the other hand, the horizontal cities with wide, low buildings of only a few stories are less crowded and healthier for everyone. There [is] more space for trees and parks, room to breathe, a view of the sky, and so on. [In this way, residents and employees in an area with a low-slung, suburban feel have easy access to natural areas and recreational facilities where they can exercise and relax, improving both their physical and mental health.]

In conclusion, [although benefits can be found for any type of urban design, ]I prefer living in a place with more space and parks, [where] I feel that it is better for children to grow up and less stressful for adults to work.] [When the time comes to live on my own, I hope to reside in one of these “horizontal cities”.] {it is usually easy to end with a “call to action” or a personal application}