IELTS Task2: Cause and solution problem

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
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Thank you keep helping me, I am trying to keep practice writing every day. If I bother too much, I am very sorry. Please help me with ielts task2 again,thank you.

Q: The movement of people from agricultural areas to cities to work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems? What measures can be used to solve these problems.

Instead of living in agricultural areas, people favor moving to cities and working there. This is a vitally important issue in many societies today. In this essay, I will firstly discuss the causes of this problem and then offer some possible solution to it.

First of all, it is clear that more and more people move away from farms to cities affect quality of life in city. Crowded living areas caused environmental and social problems. Such as air, water and noise pollution are increased and the criminal events are difficult to avoid. Besides, it will cause huge influence for societies that if there are less farmer to produce grains, fruits, fish etc. It may cause a huge financial burden for import agricultural products for a country or individuals.

In consideration of how to solve this, the first is to deal with it from welfare perspective. This measure could construct basic infrastructure such as libraries, swimming pool, school and hospitals, which are usually lacked in agricultural areas. The other solution is that the government could introduce new laws to encourage individuals to live in farms or work there, but with the incentive for more awards such as reduce tax.

In conclusion, I believe that this is clearly a problem of such complexity that no solution is likely in the short time. However, I believe that the measures outlined above would provide a good first step.

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No, it is wonderful that you are practicing so hard. Unfortunately I am out of town a few days away from my computer. I will return Monday night. Maybe someone else on the forum will jump in and give their thoughts and comments.

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Hi Sophia, I though your writing was good in this one, but once again, I am not sure you addressed the prompt as directly as you might have. The prompt says “both places” - You sort of discussed the problems in both the cities and the countryside, but I think you could have been more clear when you switched from the city to the agricultural areas. And for your solutions, you seemed to focus on figuring out how to make people move back to the countryside. I think the trend is for people to move to the cities, so we need to make city life better and easier.
With modern farming methods, it will not take as many people to raise crops, so the focus there should be downsizing facilities in rural areas, probably by consolidating schools and hospitals. In your second paragraph, you give some advice, but it is unclear to me whether that is supposed to apply to urban or rural areas. If everybody is moving to the cities, new facilities ought to be located there, right? Here are some more specific comments:

quote=“sophia, post:1, topic:145634”]
The movement of people from agricultural areas to cities to work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems? What measures can be used to solve these problems.

Instead of living in agricultural areas, [in the modern world,] people favor moving to cities and working there. This is a vitally important issue in many societies today. In this essay, I will firstly discuss the causes of this problem {why is this a problem? You should say that this phenomenon causes several problems} and then offer some possible solution to it.

First of all, it is clear that more and more people [moving] away from farms to cities [affects the] quality of life in [cities]. Crowded living areas [cause] environmental and social problems. [Maladies such] as air, water and noise pollution are increased and the criminal events {“criminal events” sounds unnatural here} are difficult to avoid. Besides, it will cause huge influence {“cause an influence” sounds odd - things “have an influence”} for societies that if there are [fewer farmers] to produce grains, fruits, fish etc. {but maybe with mechanization, even fewer farmers will still be able to produce more agricultural goods} It may cause a huge financial burden [to] import agricultural products for a country or individuals.{this sentence is a little unclear - I am not sure why you added “individuals” - maybe just say “for a country’s populace”}

In consideration of how to solve this, the first [idea] is to deal with it from [a ]welfare perspective. This measure could [involve constructing] basic infrastructure such as libraries, swimming [pools], [schools] and hospitals, which are usually [lacking] in agricultural areas. The other solution is that the government could introduce new laws to encourage individuals to live in farms or work there, but with the incentive for more awards {“awards” is not right - this is something you win for a great achievement - maybe say “incentives”} such as reduce tax.

In conclusion, I believe that this is clearly a problem of such complexity that no [simple] solution is likely in the short [term]. However, I believe that the measures outlined above would provide a good first step.
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