IELTS task 2: Everybody shoud become vegetarian

[nguyenvanbang420]

Please help me review my IELTS essay. Thanks !
I am beginning to learns IELTS so some of my sentence in my essay are taken from other essays online. Do I need cite sources to avoid plagiarism errors for all my essays posted on this website

Topic: Everyone should become vegetarian because they do not need to eat meat to have a healthy diet. Do agree or disagree?
My essays:
I do not agree that everyone should stop eating meat as there is no scientific evidence to prove that abstain from meat product is good for your health.

First, digestive system of human is shorter than herbivores and lack of specialized cell to absorb cellulose, the main fibers in plants. The stagnation of many strange substances in the gastrointestinal tract may lead to abdominal discomfort, constipation, diarrhea. For example, many case report in the world shows that the patients with appendicitis as spinach do not chew well into small piece and stick to appendix cause an inflammatory reaction. Moreover, overconsuming raw vegetables has the potential to be infected with worm eggs. Worms grow up in small intestine and take the body’s nutrients so patients are sick, tired. Worse, many spices enter the bloodstream to the brain or bladder develop dangerous complications.

Second, food used for vegetarian diet is based on cereal, vegetable, tubers and nuts. Therefore, vegetarian lack nutrients such as proteins, vitamins, ions that essentials for the body. Firstly, vitamin 12 plays an important role in synthesizing red blood cells, is abundant in liver, eggs, milk. Vitamin 12 deficiency leads to the number of erythrocytes in the body is low. The oxygen provided is not enough to generate energy for nerve cell activity, so the patients suffer from dizziness, headache, difficult to focus at work. The most obvious external manifestation is pale skin, can be localized in a face, a single limb. The blood circulating throughout the body gives color to the skin and mucous membrane, abnormal conditions of the blood and red blood cells alter a person’s natural color.

In conclusion, it is not by accident that a large number of people appeal to vegan products, social networks report many benefits from vegetarian diet. However, no measures are optimal in life, vegetarian option does not guarantee that each of us will be healthier. Instead, the balance diet of meat and vegetables to live well.

Source: http://www.fergon.com/anemia-causes-pale-skin/

[Luschen]

Hi Nguyenvanbang, I don’t think this forum has any regulations about citing sources.
Still, I don’t know how relevant this is, because in the actual IELTS, of course you don’t have the opportunity to consult any sources, much less to cite them. Usually IELTS essays focus more on opinions than facts, so this prompt seems a little bit unusual. Even though there are no regulations about copying sentences from other essays, I don’t know how that could help you, since during the actual IELTS test, you will not be able to do this. Generally memorizing “template sentences” that you can insert into any essay is easy to detect and makes the essay sound formulaic and awkward. For schoolwork, of course you should not copy sentences from other essays as this is both unethical and easy for teachers to discover through a Google check or programs that do this plagiarism checking automatically. All this said, your writing here sounds very good. You main mistake was connecting two clauses together with only a comma instead of using a correct conjunction or transition word. Also, you have replaced many "and"s and "but"s with commas, which is nonstandard. Here are some specific suggestions:

@nguyenvanbang420

I do not agree that everyone should stop eating meat as there is no scientific evidence to prove that [abstaining] from meat [products] is good for your health. {this introduction is too short I think. I would begin with a general statement, maybe about how people pay close attention to their diets. Then, paraphrase the prompt to state what the controversy is. Then in your third sentence, give the thesis, which will include your opinion}

First, [the] digestive system of [humans] is shorter than [that of] herbivores and [we] lack [a ]specialized cell to absorb cellulose, the main fibers in plants. The stagnation of many strange substances {this sounds pretty odd - stagnation for one, but also “strange substances” - do you regularly eat “strange substances”? in the gastrointestinal tract may lead to abdominal discomfort, constipation[ and] {be careful not to substitute commas for “and” or “but” - this is common in Vietnamese English, but is not standard} diarrhea. For example, many [cases] [reported throughout] the world [show] that the patients with appendicitis [ate spinach [but did] not chew [it] well into small [pieces] and [thus it stuck] to [their] appendix[, causing] an inflammatory reaction. {this is grammatically correct now, but I am not sure it is factually correct. Spinach causes appendicitis?? } Moreover, [the overconsumption of] raw vegetables has the potential to [allow the human body to] be infected with worm eggs. Worms [mature] in [the] small intestine and take the body’s nutrients so patients are sick[ and] tired. {although “sick and tired” is an idiom, so I would avoid it here} {worms and parasites are also a common reason people give to avoid pork and fish, so I am not sure it is that convincing here} Worse, many spices enter the bloodstream [and go directly] to the brain or bladder[, developing] dangerous complications. {spices are not necessarily connected to non-vegetarian diets - be sure to always stick to the prompt}

Second, food used for vegetarian [diets] is based on [cereals, vegetables,] tubers and nuts. Therefore, [a vegetarian diet] lacks] nutrients such as proteins, vitamins, ions that essentials for the body. Firstly, {this “second”, followed by “firstly” here sounds a little odd} vitamin 12[, which] {I think it is vitamin B12} plays an important role in synthesizing red blood cells, is abundant in liver, eggs, [and] milk. Vitamin 12 deficiency leads to the number of erythrocytes in the body [being] low. {or better, “leads to a condition in which the number of erythrocytes in the body is low”} The oxygen provided is not enough to generate energy for nerve cell activity, so the patients suffer from dizziness, headache[ and difficulty in focusing] at work. The most obvious external manifestation is pale skin, [which] can be localized in [the] face[ or] a single limb. The blood circulating throughout the body gives color to the skin and mucous membrane, [therefore,] abnormal conditions of the blood and red blood cells alter a person’s natural color.

In conclusion, it is not by accident that a large number of people [find] vegan products [appealing], [since] social networks report many benefits from [a ]vegetarian diet. However, no measures are optimal in life, [therefore the] vegetarian option does not guarantee that each of us will be healthier. Instead, [a balanced] diet of meat and vegetables[ is best] to live well.

[nguyenvanbang420]

Thank you very much Mr Luschen.
Learning English must start from imitation, I don’t have enough words and structure sentence to write full essay, so I reference from other website. I gradually improve my ability to write complete essay myself.
When I posted my essay on another website they said I plagiarized and block my account. I want to report the source to avoid the same mistake, Of course, in this essay, I implemented the idea and wrote it myself

[Luschen]

Yes, I think I know which other website you are talking about - they are a bit strange there I think