IELTS task 2：Education traditional vs. social skills

[Nikkie]

Hi. Here is my essay. Could anyone check and rate a band for me? Thanks in advance!
Topic: Some say that secondary school should spend less time on traditional subjects such as history and should spend more time on communication skills and business courses.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

People have realized that first entering society would make young people, more or less, feel unadapted and stressed out. The reason may be that our tradition education excludes some of the most primary and utilitarian courses for our children such as communication skill and business fundamental.

No doubt, the simplest social skills are used every day by everyone. Buying things on market, of instance, it is bargaining using commercial knowledge that helps one achieve a good deal, not telling a historical story or counting a calculus. But why, you may wonder, should such simple skills be learned in school? Because the most common skills may contain the most profound things. A farmer is less likely than a professional diplomatist to persuade a foreign government making compromises, not only because the difference of the diplomatic knowledge they have, but, more importantly, the art of communication they can express. By learning communication courses, not all students will reach the professional level of negotiation, but at least they can get the idea of how to express themselves efficiently and appropriately to their fellows and leaders.

If some general basic skill lessons are to be added, then how long should time of traditional lessons be cut? It should be noted that some of traditional classes (such as Math and History) inculcate students’ logical thinking; while some (such as Physics and Biology) help students extend the recognition of the world. All the content of those subjects are quintessence of human intelligence found by the greatest scholars. Many of them devoted their entire life to their research – things once could not be explained. People should learn at least some the easiest parts of them to stand on giants’ shoulder, being stronger and wiser than our ancestors.

Noticing the importance of basic social skills is a great advance for education, but, at the same time, the meaning of learning modern sciences should not be denied. Therefore, to build a more scientific system, the proportion of time spending on each course should be carefully considered.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture on the history of the English language

[Luschen]

Hi Nikkie, welcome back to the forum. I think your essay is very good. You have addressed the topic well and your essay is clearly organized with good examples and vocabulary. You do have some errors in usage though and some awkward phrases here and there. Overall, I would rate this a band 6.5.

@Nikkie

Hi. Here is my essay. Could anyone check and rate a band for me? Thanks in advance!
Topic: Some say that secondary school should spend less time on traditional subjects such as history and should spend more time on communication skills and business courses.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

People have realized that first entering society would make young people, more or less, {“more or less” is a little odd here - do you mean more or less old or more or less stressed out?} feel unadapted and stressed out. The reason may be that our tradition education excludes some of the most primary and utilitarian courses for our children such as communication skill[s ] and business fundamental[s ].

No doubt, the simplest social skills are used every day by everyone. Buying things on [in the] market, of[for] instance, it is[involves] bargaining using commercial knowledge that helps one achieve a good deal, not telling a historical story or counting a calculus.{“counting a calculus” does not really make sense} But why, you may wonder, should such simple skills be learned in school? [It is] Because the most common skills may contain the most profound things.{this was not a complete sentence} A farmer is less likely than a professional diplomatist to persuade a foreign government making compromises, not only because [of] the difference [in]of the diplomatic knowledge they have, but, more importantly, the art of communication they can express. {I would think this more involves the fact that the diplomat has more power} By learning[taking] {you don’t “learn a course”} communication courses, not all students will reach the professional level of negotiation, but at least they can get the idea of how to express themselves efficiently and appropriately to their fellows and leaders.

If some general basic skill lessons are to be added, then how [many hours] long should time of traditional lessons [should] be cut? It should be noted that some of traditional classes (such as Math and History{no caps}) inculcate students’ logical thinking; while some (such as Physics and Biology) help students extend the[ir] recognition of the world.{this phrase sounds a little odd} All the content of those subjects are [the] quintessence of human intelligence found by the greatest scholars. Many of them devoted their entire li[ves] to their research – things[concepts that] {avoid using “things” - it is too vague} once could not be explained. People should learn at least some the easiest parts of them to stand on giants’ shoulder[s ], being stronger and wiser than our ancestors.

Noticing{“realizing” or “acknowledging” seem better in this context} the importance of basic social skills is a great advance for education, but, at the same time, the meaning{“meaning” sounds a little odd - maybe “importance” or “utility”} of learning modern sciences should not be denied. Therefore, to build a more scientific system, the proportion of time spen[t ] on each course should be carefully considered.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture on the history of the English language