IELTS essay: work done by machines

[Deepak_Suresh_Tibhe]

Hi Luschen,

Could you please evaluate my essay. Please grade my essay between IELTS band 0-9.

Many things that used to be done by machines. Does this development bring more advantages or disadvantage?

Humans invented machines to accomplish any work quickly; as a result, the tasks which were done manually earlier are now being done by machines. In this essay, I am going to shed some light on the pros and cons of using machines in daily lives.

Firstly, many activities can be handled automatically and that saves our precious time as well as efforts. Humans are tired after doing repetitive tasks and feel boring but machines can complete
those activities uninterruptedly and smoothly. For instance, in past for the organisations who calculate their sales in a manual way, there was a headache and due to a small mistake there was a chance to a huge loss for their business but, after the invention of computers and calculators these tasks completed without any mistake in a more effective and efficient way.

However, every coin has two sides and despite all the advantages of using a machine, there are some disadvantages too. For activities, where there is a need for carefulness and common sense, automation is not the best way. Due to the unavailability of resources like electricity and diesel, the number of machinery activities can be halted and in such cases, human activities have more importance. Moreover, to earn a profit, some companies are using machines to handle their tasks automatically and they have already laid off a number of employees Thus, automation threats to employment opportunities too.

To sum up, even though people are more reliable on machines now and are having threats to employment, people have gained more from machines in terms of saving time and doing work sharply.

[Luschen]

Hi Deepak, your writing here is quite good, but you have not addressed the prompt correctly, so I think your essay might score very low on the Task Achievement metric. It seems the highest score possible would be a band 5 - because your essay “addresses the task only partially” but the grader might feel a band 3 is more appropriate since your essay “does not express a clear position”. It is vital that you address the prompt directly and that any questions posed by the prompt are answered in your thesis statement. Your entire essay should support your thesis statement, so if the thesis is wrong, chances are the essay will be wrong too. Sorry to be so harsh, but this topic is extremely important. You obviously have a good command of English and the other facets of your essay are close to the band 7 level, so I want to make sure you score as high as possible. Here are some other suggestions:

** edited ** I now see that in your very last sentence you do state that “people have gained more from machines”. I guess this is obliquely answering the prompt, but it would be much better if your entire essay focuses on answering this question, instead of just one short phrase added at the very end of the writing.

@Deepak_Suresh_Tibhe

Many things that used to be done [by laborers are now done] by machines. Does this development bring more advantages or [disadvantages]?

Humans invented machines to accomplish any [type of] work {“work” is non-countable so “any work” sounds a bit off} quickly; as a result, the tasks which were [once] done manually earlier are now being done by machines. In this essay, I am going to shed some light on the pros and cons of using machines in daily lives. {this thesis statement does not answer the question posed in the prompt - to correctly address the prompt, the thesis must state whether this development brings more advantages or more disadvantages}

Firstly, many activities can be handled automatically and that saves our precious time as well as [effort]. {it just sounds better to pair the uncountable sense of “effort” with the uncountable “time”} Humans are tired after doing {maybe “Humans become tired by constantly doing”] repetitive tasks and feel [bored] {if you feel boring, that means you think you bore other people} but machines can complete
those activities uninterruptedly and smoothly. For instance, in [the] past for the organisations who [calculated] their sales in a manual way, there was a headache and due to a small mistake there was a chance to a huge loss for their business {this sounds awkward, maybe “For instance, in the past, manually calculating sales by pen and paper caused huge headaches for large companies and even small mistakes could cause huge losses for these businesses.”} {this sentence already sounds somewhat awkward - it is better to begin a new sentence here} [Now], after the invention of computers and calculators[,] these tasks [can be] completed without any [mistakes] in a more effective and efficient way.

However, every coin has two sides and despite all the advantages of using a machine, there are some disadvantages too. For activities, {no comma here} where there is a need for carefulness and common sense, {this sounds a little vague - doesn’t calculating sales, as in your previous paragraph, require carefulness? }automation is not the best way. Due to the unavailability of resources like electricity and diesel, [a] number of [mechanized] activities can be halted and in such cases, human activities {this “activities” and “activites” sounds odd - try to be more clear and specific} have more importance. Moreover, to earn a profit, some companies are using machines to handle their tasks automatically and they have already laid off a number of employees Thus, automation [introduces] threats to employment opportunities too.

To sum up, even though people are more [reliant] on machines now and are [experiencing] threats to employment, people have gained more from machines in terms of saving time and doing work sharply. {“sharply” sounds odd here}