IELTS essay-University education

[Deepak_Suresh_Tibhe]

Hi Luschen,

Could you please evaluate my essay and please suggest where do I need to improve to achieve 7+ band in the exam.

Some people believe the aim of university education is to help graduates get better jobs. Others believe there are much wider benefits of university education for both individuals and society.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

These days there is a growing trend of students to go for Universities. However, some people believe that aim of this education is important to grab better jobs while others hold an opinion that university education has major effect on individual and society.

To begin with, many Universities are focusing on their placements and due to this, they can introduce a job related syllabus in their curriculum. Especially, today’s young generation is mainly concerned about employment opportunities and because of this, they can choose job oriented courses. Moreover, those courses are very expensive and if universities are unable to place their students with better jobs then it would be a detrimental effect for their future. On the top of this, University’s reputation is also depends on their students who grabbed better job opportunities in an industry.

On the other side, there are clear benefits for both individual and society. For instance, students who can stay in hostels, they can able to make good friends. Because of self-dependency, such kind of students can perform their entire tasks individually. As a result, their maturity and confidence will grow and that can be helpful for them in their future. Secondly, society will contributed from individuals that graduates can make the economy. In today’s world of cutthroat competition, we need educated people to compete and prosper.

To conclude, I believe, although, focus of university to get better jobs for their students, there are clearly other benefits. If we can continue to promote university attendance that can be useful for both individual and society.

Thanks

[Luschen]

Hi Deepak, I thought you addressed the topic pretty well, but your essay is not very convincing and seems disjointed and underdeveloped. You talk about how going to college does improve your chances of getting a good job, but you don’t really discuss whether that should be college’s main function.
And you did not really discuss very fully the benefits universities have on society or what benefit having a university education can give besides just getting a good job. What about research done by universities or new ideas that a promulgated by universities - how to improve the economy, diversity, democracy, freedoms?
And does being better educated increase your odds for happiness or fulfillment in live? Maybe not, but a lot of people think so and it might be worth a discussion. Does having a well-educated populace lead to better citizens, less economic stratification, and a more unified and peaceful society? Also, for this essay type, your opinion needs to play a more major role, so I would either add a third body paragraph giving your opinion or extend your conclusion so you can give more details and explanation for why you hold your opinion on this issue.

@Deepak_Suresh_Tibhe

These days there is a growing trend [for] students to [attend] [universities]. [Considering this], {however is a contrast transition - you are not really making a contrast here} some people believe that [the most important] aim of this education is important to [gain more meaningful and remunerative employment] while others hold an opinion that university education has [a ]major effect on individual and society. {To me, these two notions are not mutually exclusive - that is they can both be true. The prompt is asking whether getting its graduates good jobs is the major function of college, or whether increasing the good of society is more important - your thesis did not really capture this contrast effectively}

To begin with, many [universities] are focusing on their [graduates’ job] placements and due to this, they [have introduced] a job related syllabus in their curriculum. Especially, {“especially” does not really work here together with “mainly” - you have to choose one or the other} today’s young generation is mainly concerned about employment opportunities and because of this, they can choose job oriented courses. Moreover, those courses are very expensive and if universities are unable to place their students with better jobs then it would [have] a detrimental effect for their future. {this sentence is confusing - what do the expensive courses have to do with having a bad future?} On the top of this, [a u]niversity’s reputation is also [dependent] on their students who [gained] {"grabbed is a little too informal} better job opportunities in an industry.

On the other side, there are clear benefits for both individual and society. {this transition is a little odd, since your previous paragraph did not really discuss the disadvantages for individuals and society} For instance, students who can stay in hostels, they can [dormitories are] able to make good friends. Because of [the] self-dependency [involved in living on one’s own], [these kinds] of students can perform their entire tasks {“entire tasks” is confusing - what do you mean?} individually. As a result, their maturity and confidence will grow and that can be helpful for them in their future. {this section is not very convincing to me - won’t young people who immediately go to work instead of college and live on their own also learn self-dependence? And probably to an even greater state, since they cannot rely on their university or dorm-mates to help them} Secondly, society will [improved by the graduates that contribute to] contributed from individuals that graduates can make the economy. In today’s world of cutthroat competition, we need educated people to compete and prosper. {I am not sure why the competition is important - I guess you mean between different countries, so that the country with the best-educated workers will prosper, but that is not clear from your sentence}

To conclude, I believe, although, {no comma here} focus of university [should be] to get better jobs for their students, there are clearly other benefits. If we can continue to promote university attendance that can be useful for both individual and society.