IELTS Essay about music 🎼 Can you give me feedback and estimated Band Score according to current rating system please?

[Memo34]

Hi everyone. I wonder your feedback and estimated band score.

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the traditional music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Today, every kind of music is listened to all over the world. Because people need to listening to music for relaxing and explaining their thoughts. Also, I believe that traditional music is more important than other nations music, international music as well.
First of all, people need to listening to music. There are many reasons about that. Firstly, most humans work very hard nowadays and many times they feel tired and hopeless. At that times, music helps them. People are relaxed when they listened to song which is about love. Majority of people, do not think that world which does not involved any songs. Music is considered red to be a saver for them. Also, an important artist said that "Music is good for soul." thousands year ago. Secondly, music is a beautiful way in order to explain our thoughts. Some people, who are shy, use the music for introducing themselves and telling their thoughts and feelings. For instance, people who have speaking difficulty, sing a song for telling their thinking about something.
Regarding to the importance of traditional music, in my opinion that is the more necessary than international music. However, we hear international music almost every place. I think, culture is one of the important things in the world. Nations have to protect their culture from everything, other nations’ music as well. Because music is the easiest way to carry culture from one country to another. If people’s own culture disappear, they would lost bond with their older. Consequently, they would not know who they are. So, they would be confused and unhappy. Humans should listen to their traditional music rather than international music in order to not losing their identity.
In conclusion, music is the most significant requirement for people. Because people can explain their thoughts and feelings by music. In addition, they feel comfortable when they listened to music. As I said before, although international music is most popular in the world, people should listen to their own traditional music. Because, that is key for protecting their own culture and identity.

[Torsten]

Hi Memo, it’s difficult to say what band you might score because the British Council and all the other bureaucratic and hierarchical systems will have to change eventually. So, it’s safe to say you will score 4 out of 9 on a good. What you write makes sense and is easy to read but the British Council pays attention to a lot of other things. For example, in the two sentences below you make two rather basic grammar mistakes so you maybe you should read and edit your essays before you post them.

@Memo34

First of all, people need to listening to music. There are many reasons about that.

[Memo34]

Thank you sir for your fast response. Can I learn your marks separatly for each 4 section? You know, task achievement, cohesion and coherense, lexical resource and grammatical range&accuracy?

[bestmytest]

Today, every kind of music is listened to all over the world. Because people need to listening to music for relaxing and explaining their thoughts. Also, I believe that traditional music is more important than other nations music, international music as well.

First of all, people need to listening listen to music. There are many reasons about that why. Firstly, most humans work very hard nowadays and many times they feel tired and hopeless. At that times, music helps them. People are relaxed when they listenedare listening to a song which is about love. Majority of people, do not think that world which does not involved any songs. Music is considered red to be a saver for them. (redundant and extremely confusing sentences. Remove them.) Also, an important artist said that “Music is good for the soul.” thousands of year ago. Secondly, music is a beautiful way in order to explain our thoughts. Some people, who are shy, use the music for introducing themselves and telling their thoughts and feelings. For instance, people who have speaking difficulty, sing a song for telling their thinking about something.

Regarding to the importance of traditional music, in my opinion that is the more necessary than international music. However, we hear international music almost every place. I think, culture is one of the important things in the world. Nations have to protect their culture from everything, other nations’ music as well. Because music is the easiest way to carry culture from one country to another. If people’s own culture disappear, they would lost bond with their older. Consequently, they would not know who they are. So, they would be confused and unhappy. Humans should listen to their traditional music rather than international music in order to not losing their identity.

In conclusion, music is the most significant requirement for people. Because people can explain their thoughts and feelings by music. In addition, they feel comfortable when they listened to music. As I said before, although international music is most popular in the world, people should listen to their own traditional music. Because, that is key for protecting their own culture and identity.

First, I have highlighted some mistakes from your first body paragraph and added in corrections. Overall, you are consistently making the same grammar mistakes, using ‘ing’ Present participles incorrectly. eg. “First of all, people need to listening to music.” This should be “First of all, people need to listen to music”. Also adding or fogerting articles like “the” and “a/an”. I recommend you focus on learning how to use tenses, plural vs singular, and articles to start. You also need to remove redundancy. Some sentences are incoherent and do not offer anything to the essay, so remove those. With those improved, your score could be closer to 5-6. I agree that it is around 4-4.5 currently.

The above feedback was created by a BestMyTest professional IELTS reviewer. I recommend practicing with new content daily.
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[Memo34]

Thank you very much. This is the most beautiful feedback I have ever taken in this site.