IELTS Essay: About Fashion

[Deepak_Suresh_Tibhe]

Hi Luschen,

Could you please rate my essay IELTS band 0-9.Please help me out to improve my essay quality.

Topic:The tendency of human being to copy from one another is shown in the popularity of fashion cloths and consumer goods.To what extent do you agree.

Most people follows the latest fashion trends.Our choice of clothing is influenced by what celebrities wear.This is clear sign that humans like to imitate others.Thus,I completely agree wit the statement.

At the onset, today’s young generation mostly concerned about their better look and feel and due to this, following recent trend in daily items is a phenomena.For example, In last week one of my friend purchased Italian perfume and my another friend likes that perfume’s smell too much . As a result, next day she purchased same perfume.Additionally, many females are more attracted towards jewelry and it is common especially, in Indian society a number of the females prefer to purchase same jewelry that purchased by their female friends.

Unequivocally, brand and quality always matters.For instance, I purchased Iphone8 in last month.Undoubtedly, phone has excellent features and best sound quality. My some of friends tested the quality of phone and at the end of day they are attracted towards features.Although, it costs arm and legs they ordered the same mobile phone.If I could not introduced the quality and durability of phone then I guess they may not have ordered this product.

Last but not least, cost effectiveness is usually a factor that encourages some people to copy from one another. If one person in family or in society started to use such kind of product then usually others can also follow the same.

To conclude,humans are social animals that crave appreciation and acceptance.To get better product, quality and appearances many among us try to adapt same style from one another.

Regards,
Deepak

[Luschen]

Hi Deepak, welcome to the forum. I think you understood the prompt and this essay has the correct format for this type of question, but your writing has some problems. Your first body paragraph is not too bad, but the ones that followed that were not as strong. Your second body paragraph focused on features and quality.
To me, this works against your thesis. You are saying people buy the same products because they want to copy each other, but this paragraph is saying that instead people gravitate to the same products because those particular products have the highest quality and the most features. And then your third body paragraph implies that those products are also the least expensive. It would be more convincing to focus on people who buy overpriced goods of marginal quality just because their friends or a celebrity they see on tv has the same item.
Your sentences are clear for the most part, but you have some ambiguous words and quite a lot of small grammar and usage errors. Also, please be sure to put a space after each period and comma in your writing. I think because of all these issues, this essay would score fairly low - maybe band 5.
Here are some specific suggestions:

@Deepak_Suresh_Tibhe

Topic:The tendency of [people] to copy from one another is shown in the popularity of fashion [clothes] and consumer goods.To what extent do you agree?

Most people [follow] the latest fashion trends.Our choice of clothing is influenced by what celebrities wear.This is clear sign that humans like to imitate others.Thus, I completely agree [with] the statement. {these sentences are all quite short and choppy. Also, some transitions would help it flow more smoothly}

At the onset, {this transition is a little ambiguous - do you mean at the onset of your essay, or at the onset of a young person’s life, or at the onset of some time period?} today’s young generation [are] mostly concerned about [looking and feeling better] their better look and feel and due to this, following recent [trends] in [consumer goods] daily items is a [common phenomenon].For example, In last week one of my [friends] purchased [some] Italian perfume and my [other] friend [liked] {best to keep the whole example in the past tense} that perfume’s smell [very] much . As a result, [the] next day she purchased [the] same perfume.Additionally, many females [women] {“females” sounds too clinical} are more {why more? more than to something else? more than they used to be?} attracted towards jewelry and it is common especially, in Indian society[, for] a number of [ladies to] prefer to purchase [the] same jewelry that [was] purchased by their [girlfriends].

Unequivocally, brand and quality always [matter].For instance, I purchased [an] Iphone8 in last month.Undoubtedly, [this] phone has excellent features and [the] best sound quality. My some of [my] friends tested the quality of [the] phone and at the end of day they [were] attracted [by its] features.Although,{no comma here} it costs [an arm and la leg,] they ordered the same mobile phone.If I [had] not introduced [them to] the quality and durability of [the] phone then I guess they [might] not have ordered this product.

Last but not least, cost effectiveness is usually a factor that encourages some people to copy from one another. If one person in [a ]family or in society started to use such kind of product then usually others can also follow the same. {this paragraph is very weak. I can see your paragraphs are getting shorter and shorter, so I assume you were running out of time. This paragraph feels rushed though and doesn’t make much sense to me. How is buying something that your friend has cost effective? Maybe you can share the same accessories or the same software or apps somehow? I don’t know, because you did not really explain it here}

To conclude,humans are social animals that crave appreciation and acceptance. {these are good concepts, but you did not really focus on these concepts at all in your body paragraphs. You cannot introduce new ideas in your conclusion, it should be a summary of your previous ideas with perhaps a call to action added at the very end.} To get [ products with better] quality and [appearance,] many among us try to adapt [the] same style from one another.

[Deepak_Suresh_Tibhe]

Thanks

[Luschen]

Hi Leesa, welcome to the forum! One thing to keep in mind is that the IELTS essays are extemporaneous; that is, the essay writer has no advance warning about the topic of the essay - it could be about almost any topic. Still you are correct in that if the person taking the IELTS is well-read and somewhat knowledgable about a broad range of topics, it will be easier for her to apply that background to the topic at hand.

One additional note, if I may be so forward. If you are trying to generate business as an English tutor, it is important that your posts be grammatically correct and that they sound natural. You won’t really inspire much confidence in possible students/customers if your English sounds awkward and stilted.