I wrote an essay which is about similarity of countries. I am waiting for your feedback and estimated Band Score

Hi everyone! I am waiting for your feedback and estimated band score. @Torsten @Sumejja @tim_m @Anglophile

Nations are increasingly looking like each other because the same products are bought by people all over the world. In my opinion, this is a negative development because traditional costumes can disappear and local employers can lose their jobs.

First of all, it can clearly seen that globalization causes to be produced same products in the world and this situation gives reason to be sold identical goods almost in every country. In other words, people who live in different countries can reach these items and purchase them at the same time. For instance, they have worn same clothes such as jeans, t-shirt and jacket instead of their traditional costumes recent years. According to me, this is a harmful development because diversity in the world encounter to danger of disappear.

When it comes to local employers, they may close their workplace because of demand for the international products. People want to buy these produces because these are more popular than others which are manifactured in local businesses. Therefore, domestic employers may not earn money. Moreover, they can encounter to be jobless. For example, someone who produces hand-made shoes may not make much sales because costumers tend to buy famous brands of shoes such as Nike, Adidas and the like.

In conclusion, countries began to much similar because of be sold same products in the world. As far as I am concerned, this is a jeopardous progress because conventional clothes might not be worn anymore and employers who work in their own territory can be unemployed.

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This topic is no longer relevant so why bother wasting time on it? When exactly are you planning to finally obtain your IELTS certificate and what do you want to study?

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I am planning to take the IELTS exam in three months. I’ve just seen this topic in the Cambridge book. So, this topic can come in the exam. I want to study on Financial Crime Prevention.

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As far as I remember you are planning to study in Germany, is this correct?

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Yeah. Actually, Germany is my first preference but then I changed my opinion. Now, I am planning to study in Poland because of the money issues.

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I think the sooner you get the IELTS question out of the way the better because then you can concentrate on more productive things. IELTS is a big waste of time. If you continue reading articles of interest and start engaging in real conversations you will have no trouble passing the IELTS exam.

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Thank you. I am carrying on reading articles and listening different people who have different accent. When it comes to my essay, can you tell me my mistakes or wrong usage of words?

Most of what you write is easy to understand and there are just a few things you might want to change such as using ‘products’ instead of ‘produces’. Overall, I don’t think correcting your essays is a very effective method of helping you make most of your intellectual potential.

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To be honest, I realised that I used an awful lot the word “product” and I wanted to change some of them. Which word I can use instead of the word “product”? By the way, when you said to me my mistakes, this could be beneficial for me.

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Well, instead of using synonyms of the ‘product’ you can rephrase your idea for example by writing that customers want more variety or choice.

As for me telling your mistakes I don’t think this method is very efficient because the entire education system is going to change rapidly. For example, if you want to study in Poland the professors at your university along with your fellow students will also judge you by your interest in and command of the Polish language. As a matter of fact, they won’t pay much attention to your IELTS bands or scores.

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Torsten, your advice is apt and adequate. But Memo34 would also need to mind his grammar, especially while passivizing sentences.

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Thank you very much. I also want to know the band score. @Anglophile

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I think your essay may deserve a score of only four, which means you have to score much higher in other skills.

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How did you calculate this score? Can you explain according to ielts rubric?

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As I understand, the IELTS Band Score results are graded from 1 to 9 with all the skills (Listening, Speaking, Reading and Writing) being given an individual score. Then, each score of these four skills is totalled and averaged. That’s the system, which, I think, is very simple.

While considering your essay, grammar, syntax, collocation, coherence, cogency and content were taken into account. That is to say that you need to pay attention to all these aspects so as to get a good score of 7 to 8.5!

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Thank you for your response. Well, can you show me my mistakes in the essay? I don’t make these mistakes anymore.

(Let me make a small attempt without upsetting your ideas)

Nations are increasingly looking like each other (meaning not clear) because the same products are bought by people all over the world. In my opinion, this is a negative development because traditional costumes can disappear and local employers can lose their jobs. (meaning not clear)

First of all, (it can clearly seen) (it can clearly be seen) that globalization causes (to be produced) (the same products to be produced) in the world and this situation gives reason to be sold identical goods (for identical goods to be sold) almost in every country. In other words, people who live in different countries can reach these items and purchase them at the same time. For instance, they have worn (the) same clothes (such) as jeans, t-shirts and jackets instead of their traditional costumes in recent years. According to me (In my opinion), this is a harmful development because diversity in the world encounter to danger of disappear (encounters the danger of disappearance).

When it comes to local employers, they may close their workplace because of demand for the international products. People want to buy these produces because these are more popular than others which are manifactured in (manufactured by) local businesses. Therefore, domestic employers may not earn money (profit). Moreover, they can encounter to be (they may be rendered) jobless. For example, someone who produces hand-made shoes may not make much sales (much business) because costumers tend to buy famous brands of shoes such as Nike, Adidas and the like.

In conclusion, countries began to much similar because of be sold same products in the world. (meaning not clear) As far as I am concerned, this is a jeopardous progress (jeopardizing situation) because conventional clothes might not be worn anymore and employers who work in their own territory can be (can become) unemployed.

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I like your thoughts in the written essay. I am very interested in the topic of globalization, but not so much in terms of the goods we consume, but more in terms of culture and traditions. The Western lifestyle is spreading more and more in the world, we are celebrating Halloween more and more each year, but we forget about our traditional holidays and rituals. We eat burgers and pizza every day, and our own recipes are dusty and gradually forgotten.
I have found many short articles on diversity, not only about culture but also about race and ethnicity.
As I promised, I want to share Diversity in Society Essay Examples 📚 Free Samples & Topics Ideas on WritingBros with you, there are many interesting papers about diversity and not only it. Recommend you to look for a while at least, you will definitely find something exciting, and then there will be something to discuss with your friends and family.

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