I wrote an essay for IELTS writing task 1. Can you give me feedback and estimated band score please?

[Memo34]

**Hi everyone. I hope you are fine. I am waiting for your valuable comments. @Torsten @Sumejja @tim_m **

The bar chart gives information about the quantity of leisure time in an average week enjoyed by people of employed full-time, employed part-time, unemployed, retired and housewives between 1998 and 1999. Units are measured in hours.

Overall, the most leisure time was enjoyed by males, who unemployed and retired in a typical week, while the least leisure time was enjoyed by females, who employed full-time.

Leisure time was enjoyed by employed full-time males was about 50 hours, whereas females had just under 40 hours. Furthermore, unemployed men had more free time than that of women, respectively about 85 and slightly under 80 hours. In addition, spare time was enjoyed by retired men was approximately 80 hours, while retired females enjoyed free time about 75 hours.

When it comes to people who are housewives and employed part-time, housewives had more leisure times than females of employed part-time, sequentially about 50 and 40 hours. Eventually, there is no data about men regarding the employed part-time.

[Torsten]

The question is if categorizations such as ‘employed’, ‘unemployed’ and ‘housewives’ are still useful. Also, how exactly do you define ‘leisure time’? Can anyone fully concentrate for several hours non-stop every day? Maybe in the late 1990 people were still trying to get full employment. By now, many have come to realize that a large part of the so called regular jobs are what Dr Graeber describes in his book as ‘bullshit jobs’. IELTS is an integral part of the bullshit job system that is trying to force us to contribute to the juggernaut. More on this here:

Are we living in a bullshit society?

I would argue that a lot of our societal values, rules and institutions are completely outdated and have not been able to keep up with the fast advancements in technology resulting in bullshit jobs. So my question is this: if a growing number of jobs are bullshit jobs, aren’t we turning into a bullshit society pursuing bullshit goals and living bullshit lives? Is the mantra ‘Nobody bullshits the bullshitter’ becoming the core principle of our being? Has capitalism come to an end being replaced …

[Memo34]

Thank you sir for your answer and comments which provide to think about this topic. By the way, what is your estimated score for this writing?

[Torsten]

Don’t worry too much about your score or band, you will be doing fine. I’m sure you will score at least band 6 to 7 if you keep on practising until the exam.

[Memo34]

I understand sir. I just want to know whether my writing skill improves or not. Thank you very much.

[Torsten]

We don’t usually say ‘writing skill’ but ‘writing skills’. As Sumejja has said before, it’s important to develop a feeling for the language. For example, calling somebody a housewife nowadays can be downright sexist and rather primitive. Also, why should you try to learn how to write reports of university lecturers? Who do you want to become? Their servant? The future belongs to people who are capable of thinking and making decisions for themselves.