Hi 1119. I think your writing is clear, but this essay could have been formatted better. Even with such a short essay, it is best to have a clear thesis statement. Your essay does not really have a thesis statement, so the reader is sort of left wondering what the main point you are trying to prove is. I think your main idea is that media has a big influence over people, both good and bad. So make sure you include something like that early in the essay to guide the reader through your idea. Here are some other specific suggestions:
1119:
[it is] {avoid contractions in formal essays} common that nowadays almost everyone watches TV programs or movies as [a form of] entertainment. {or “… movies for entertainment”} The introduction of such media ushers in the modern era {I think you have this backwards - the modern era ushered in this media - the media did not cause the modern era} [so] that people [can no longer] {or “can hardly live”} live without them. Not only can we keep abreast of [the] latest news, but we can also view [mass media] as a bridge that [connects] us with the world. [What is] more, we can gain relief from the hustle and bustle, and let out of [be set free from] our negative [emotions] by watching a funny comedy or talk show. In addition, we can learn to be more vigilant and cautious after enjoying an outrageous thriller. Movies or TV shows [provide] a brief depiction of [life] [and] have a multitude of [influences] on modern people.of the fact that movies or TV can serve as a beneficial tool that illuminate our lives of darkness[, it] does pose some threats to our health. My major concern is its chronic impact on our optical problem [faculty]. [It is] suggested that those who [watche] movies or TV programs tend to have a higher chance [of being] nearsighted. [Thus], with the [prevalence] of such media, the percentage of people with poor [eyesight] is [rising at an increasing rate]. Last but not least, I believe [it is] also a reason [an aspect of life] that [tears] people apart, leading [affecting] people to an extent that many diminish [reduce their opportunities] to interact. [I am] convinced that we modern people should make the most of the media yet [use it] appropriately. In this way, we can [safely] indulge ourselves in the beauty of movie art and the excitement of TV programs.
4 Likes