Hi there, please help check my writing as I am preparing for the ielts test. Thanks so much

[Ha_Le]

Some people think that good health is a basic human need and that medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private heath care outweigh the disadvantages?

Whether health care services run by the state or private companies are a debated topic since good health is of paramount importance to everyone. Personally, I would advocate the idea that private firms should be encouraged to operate the health care system because this has more positives than negatives.

One of the disadvantages of private health is that it might cost patients a great deal of money for their health treatment, which put high financial pressure on them, especially the poor. This is particular the case when poor people from rural areas have to sell their valuable properties and farming land to have enough money for their cure at private hospitals.

However, it is my belief that the merits private health companies bring to people are more significant because they provide better services than state-owned health organizations. For instance, a sick person does not have to wait for a long time to be treated at private clinics and hospitals, which help them save a lot of time. This is largely beneficial, particularly for working people who are busy working as they can book their appointment with doctors in advance. Meanwhile, they may take a day off work to queue in a long line at state hospitals since early morning to see doctors.

In addition to that, private health organizations are often well-equipped with top-notch facilities such as more rooms and cutting edge medical equipment. This really helps patients ease their pain and sufferings as they feel more comfortable when they have to spend several days there. While, it is common to see that public hospitals are overloaded where patients do not have enough rooms and medical tools for treatment.

In conclusion, although there are the downsides of private health, I believe that they are outweighed by the upsides. Private health provides better services and medical facilities which are hugely beneficial for patients.

[Luschen]

Hi Ha Le, welcome to the forum! I enjoyed reading your essay and I think that your extensive use of relevant examples and illustrations went a long way in making your arguments persuasive. Your format was effective and you answered the prompt directly and correctly. I think you might have tempered your first paragraph by stating that this apparent disadvantage could be corrected by providing assistance to those extremely poor patients for whom private health care would be an incredible burden. Your writing was generally clear, but you did have quite a few minor grammar mistakes that taken together make your writing sound pretty unnatural. Here are some other suggestions:

@Ha_Le

Whether health care services [should be] run by the state or private companies [is] a [hotly] debated topic[,] since good health is of paramount importance to everyone. Personally, I would advocate the idea that private firms should be encouraged to operate the health care system because this has more positives than negatives. {I would prefer if you gave a short summary of the benefits in the thesis}

One of the disadvantages of private health [care] is that it might cost patients a great deal of money for their health treatment, which [puts] high financial pressure on them, especially the poor. This is [particularly] the case when poor people from rural areas have to sell their valuable properties and farming land to have enough money for their cure {“for their cure” sounds odd - maybe “to be cured” or better, “for their life-threatening conditions to be cured”} at private hospitals.

However, it is my belief that the merits private health companies bring to [patients] {or “society”, just try to be a bit more specific than “people”} are more significant because they provide better services than state-owned health organizations. For instance, a sick person does not have to wait for a long time to be treated at private clinics and hospitals, which [helps] them save a lot of time. {this would be more persuasive if you said instead “which could mean the difference between life and death in those cases where time is of the essence.”} This is largely beneficial, {“this is a huge benefit” is better - “this is largely beneficial” means it is mostly beneficial, though there are some drawbacks to prompt care - I don’t know what drawbacks there could be} particularly for working people who are busy [at their jobs] {to avoid repetition} as they can book their appointment with doctors in advance. Meanwhile, they [must] take a day off work to queue in a long line at state hospitals [starting in the] early morning to see doctors. {ok, I now see that your main point is convenience, which is ok, but it seems like catching problems early is also a related big benefit that you don’t really mention}

In addition to that, private health organizations are often well-equipped with top-notch facilities such as [luxurious / adequate / single occupancy] rooms and cutting edge medical equipment. This really helps patients ease their pain and [suffering] as they feel more comfortable when they have to spend several days [recuperating]. [In sharp contrast], {while is not the best transition when starting off a sentence} it is common to see that public hospitals [that] are overloaded[,] where patients do not have enough rooms and medical tools [are inadequate] for treatment.

In conclusion, although there are the downsides of private health [facilities], I believe that they are outweighed by the upsides. Private [hospitals and clinics] provide better services and medical facilities which are hugely beneficial for patients.

[Ha_Le]

@Luschen

Whether health care services [should be] run by the state or private companies [is] a [hotly] debated topic[,] since good health is of paramount importance to everyone. Personally, I would advocate the idea that private firms should be encouraged to operate the health care system because this has more positives than negatives. {I would prefer if you gave a short summary of the benefits in the thesis}

One of the disadvantages of private health [care] is that it might cost patients a great deal of money for their health treatment, which [puts] high financial pressure on them, especially the poor. This is [particularly] the case when poor people from rural areas have to sell their valuable properties and farming land to have enough money for their cure {“for their cure” sounds odd - maybe “to be cured” or better, “for their life-threatening conditions to be cured”} at private hospitals.

However, it is my belief that the merits private health companies bring to [patients] {or “society”, just try to be a bit more specific than “people”} are more significant because they provide better services than state-owned health organizations. For instance, a sick person does not have to wait for a long time to be treated at private clinics and hospitals, which [helps] them save a lot of time. {this would be more persuasive if you said instead “which could mean the difference between life and death in those cases where time is of the essence.”} This is largely beneficial, {“this is a huge benefit” is better - “this is largely beneficial” means it is mostly beneficial, though there are some drawbacks to prompt care - I don’t know what drawbacks there could be} particularly for working people who are busy [at their jobs] {to avoid repetition} as they can book their appointment with doctors in advance. Meanwhile, they [must] take a day off work to queue in a long line at state hospitals [starting in the] early morning to see doctors. {ok, I now see that your main point is convenience, which is ok, but it seems like catching problems early is also a related big benefit that you don’t really mention}

In addition to that, private health organizations are often well-equipped with top-notch facilities such as [luxurious / adequate / single occupancy] rooms and cutting edge medical equipment. This really helps patients ease their pain and [suffering] as they feel more comfortable when they have to spend several days [recuperating]. [In sharp contrast], {while is not the best transition when starting off a sentence} it is common to see that public hospitals [that] are overloaded[,] where patients do not have enough rooms and medical tools [are inadequate] for treatment.

In conclusion, although there are the downsides of private health [facilities], I believe that they are outweighed by the upsides. Private [hospitals and clinics] provide better services and medical facilities which are hugely beneficial for patients.

Hi Luschen,

I feel grateful for your valuable feedback and suggestions. This was my first join in this forum and I was surprised since I did not have any hope of receiving detailed and thorough feedback. You have helped me to recognize the weaknesses of my writing so that I can work more on it.

I really appreciate your prompt reply as well.

Best regards,
Ha Le

[Ha_Le]

Hi Luschen,

I’d like to pose my re-writing. It would be great if you could help check. Many thanks.

Whether health care services should be run by the state or private companies is a hotly debated topic since good health is of paramount importance to everyone. Personally, I would advocate the idea that private firms should be encouraged to involve in health care system because this has more positives than negatives.

One of the disadvantages of private health care is that it might cost patients a great deal of money for their health treatment, which puts high financial pressure on them, especially the poor. This is particularly the case when poor people from rural areas have to sell their valuable properties and farming land to have enough money for their life-threatening conditions to be cured at private hospitals.

However, it is my belief that the merits private clinics and hospitals bring to patients are more significant because they provide better services than state-owned hospitals. Patients can choose their own doctors, own rooms and enjoy a more pleasant environment. Also, waiting times for elective surgery are usually shorter in a private hospital.

In addition to that, private health organizations are often well-equipped with top-notch facilities such as a number of single-occupancy rooms and cutting-edge medical equipment. This really helps patients ease their pain and suffering as they feel more comfortable when they have to spend several days recuperating. In contrast, it is common to see that public hospitals are usually overloaded, where patients do not have enough rooms and medical tools are inadequate for treatment.

In conclusion, although there are downsides of private health facilities, I believe that they are outweighed by the upsides. Private hospitals and clinics provide better services and medical amenities which are hugely beneficial for patients.

[Luschen]

Wow, very few errors in this revision!

@Ha_Le

Whether health care services should be run by the state or private companies is a hotly debated topic since good health is of paramount importance to everyone. Personally, I would advocate the idea that private firms should be encouraged to involve {either “to remain involved” or “to become involved”} in [the] health care system because this has more positives than negatives.

[To begin,] One of the disadvantages of private health care [that critics cite] {if you state it this way, you can separate yourself from the critics - “they think this, but I think a different way”} is that it might cost patients a great deal of money for their health treatment, which puts high financial pressure on them, especially the poor. This is particularly the case when poor people from rural areas have to sell their valuable properties and [farm] land to have enough money for their life-threatening conditions to be cured at private hospitals.

However, it is my belief that the merits private clinics and hospitals bring to patients are more significant because they provide better services than state-owned hospitals. Patients can choose their own doctors, [their] own rooms and enjoy a more pleasant environment. Also, waiting times for elective surgery are usually shorter in a private hospital.

In addition to that, private health organizations are often well-equipped with top-notch facilities such as a number of single-occupancy rooms and cutting-edge medical equipment. This really helps patients ease their pain and suffering as they feel more comfortable when they have to spend several days recuperating. In contrast, it is common to see that public hospitals are usually overloaded, where patients do not have enough rooms and medical tools are inadequate for treatment.

In conclusion, although there are downsides of private health facilities, I believe that they are outweighed by the upsides. Private hospitals and clinics provide better services and medical amenities which are hugely beneficial for patients.