hi~~ please help me,,

hi~ i tried to write essay, but i dont know whether the grammar is correct or not,
so please point out wrong grammar…and let me know whether this essay makes sense or not,

-parents should pay children according to the grades in school.

children should not gain a reward from parents at the mercy of their grade in school because it is dangerous for students suffering from lots of schoolworks and tight school curriculum to require them to do well in school in order to reward from parents. in other words, as the competition has become fiercer than in the past, and it makes students stressed out and depressed. what I mean here is that students are pushed by this society to go to prestigious college and get good grades, and this phenomenon has made students have not only psychological problems but also physical problems.

it is unfair for children who are not able to perform academically iwell to reward them according to how well they do in school, and this is why it can be problematic for parents to pay children when they get better grades. putting it differently, people have different background and interest. For example, a person who is interested in arts can be skillful in his or her fields but he or she cannot get good grades in school. what I mean here is that most people have distinctive ability and concern, and the society needs to understand people’s difference and specialty. therefore, it can be said that parents should not reward children according to the grades when people have different capacity and interest.

TOEFL listening lectures: In October of which year did Vaudeville officially appear?

James, I will check your essay. But first, write an introduction paragraph. Stating the topic and your point of view. 2-3 lines maximum.
Then write down first reason, example and explaination IN SECOND PARAGRAPH.
Third paragraph:- reason+ explaination + example.
Then 2-3 lines worth of conclusion.
That is the format of Toefl Essay Writing.