Hi Luschen, please rate and correct my essay, thank you.

[Ackapuck]

#4 (permalink) Wed May 08, 2013 14:55 pm Luschen, please check and rate my essay)
Here is another one

People in my community tell a lot about necessary of a new high school neighborhood. I look at this point in another way and I oppose with such idea. Despite on all benefits of this facility, there are a lot of disadvantages as well. The most serious problems are the lack of teenagers and difficulties with empty place my area.

First of all, the place where I live is full of buildings. There is not an empty space and let us not forget about sports ground. Another disadvantage of this location is the lack of parking place. This issue will bring a great amount of troubles either to students and people who own cars. Motorists (is it appropriate word?) can face with problem of narrow roads too. To state problem in different way there are huge traffic jams. So students will be stressed before arrival at school what influences negatively. I would like to tell that for many people is hard to orientate in my area because of many buildings. That is why finding school will be quite interesting challenge, won’t it?( Is it correctly to end paragraph with question?)

Secondly, there is a small amount of teenagers, living near me. So it is not necessary to build high school there. To my mind it is silly to build high school where nobody will study. Moreover, it is waste of money which can be spent on other needs. Nevertheless there are many kids in my community and no kinder garden. The issue of the lack of kinder gardens is essential in my country; therefore it will be good investigation.

Summing up my essay, I strongly believe that there is no necessity to build high school in my community. To my mind, it is better to spend money for improving the older ones or for education.

Here is another one:

You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which
would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

It would be great if one day kind wizard had given me money. So I had to make choose to purchase a house or a business. I would risk and would investigate a huge amount of money to increase my finance.

First of all, I would like to begin by saying that my own business gives me enormous opportunities and abilities. Unfortunately, the risk of fail is still high and I can easily loose all money. But do you really think that buying a house once will get away all your troubles and worries? Let’s not forget about paying taxes and rent, who gives money to me? Having own business, on the other hand, will give stability and self-confidence on a future life. It does not secret that many successful entrepreneurs started the first step by raising money and investigating them on assets. For example, well-known businessman, writer Robert Kioysaki in his best-seller book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” told about the same way of creating capital.

Secondly, organizing business is a challenge. You would face with various problems such as searching for a property, salaries for workers. In addition, you have to compete with other companies to survive. To illustrate this point in different way, I give an example of two entrepreneurs who decided to set up a business on the same branch. It is clear that one of them will fail while another one will gain success. Moreover, it is invaluable experience to purchase a business. Even if you make a mistake, you will learn something new and know ho to avoid this problem. To my mind, employees with such experience are highly appreciated.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that starting up own business is unique experience. As for me, it is better to work on myself and get accordingly salary than on somebody else.

As usual there is wariety of mistakes which waiting for correction)
P.S. If you are planning to learn russian language, just tell me, I will corect your essays too

TOEFL listening lectures: How do botanists define a seed?

[Luschen]

Hi, I thought these were pretty good. You have lots of specific examples, although some of your arguments were not that convincing to me. You have quite a few odd sounding phrases and some usage errors, but generally I was able to understand all of your ideas. Overall, I would rate both of these a 3.5 out of 5.

@Ackapuck

#4 (permalink) Wed May 08, 2013 14:55 pm Luschen, please check and rate my essay)
Here is another one

People in my community tell[talk] a lot about [the] necess[ity] of a new high school neighborhood.{“a high school neighborhood” is unclear - do you mean a new high school campus?} I look at this point in another way and I oppose with such [an] idea. Despite on all [the] benefits of this facility, there are a lot of disadvantages as well. The most serious problems are the lack of teenagers and difficulties with empty place[s in] my area.

First of all, the place where I live is full of buildings. There is not an empty space and let us not forget about sports ground[fields]. Another disadvantage of this location is the lack of parking place[s ]. This issue will bring a great amount of troubles either[both] to students and people who own cars. Motorists (is it appropriate word?){yes, it is fine} can face with problem of narrow roads too. To state [the] problem in [a] different way[,] there are huge traffic jams. So students will be stressed before [their] arrival at school what [, which will] influence[ them] negatively. I would like to tell[say] that for many people [it] is hard to [get] orientate[d ] {or “to orient oneself”} in my area because of [the] many buildings. That is why finding school will be quite [an] interesting challenge, won’t{avoid contractions} it?( Is it correctly to end paragraph with question?) {I think it is fine - variety in sentence types is good. But surely after the first couple days the students and teachers will have no problem find the school? And maybe an existing building can be repurposed into a school - I tutor at a college that used to be a shopping mall! }

Secondly, there is a small amount[number - use amount only for non-countable nouns] of teenagers, living near me. So it is not necessary to build [a] high school there. To my mind it is silly to build [a] high school where nobody will study.{“which nobody will attend” seems more natural to me} Moreover, it is [a] waste of money which c[ould] be spent on other needs. Nevertheless{“On the other hand” is a better transition here to show contrast} there are many kids in my community and no kinder garden.[kindergarten] The issue of the lack of kinder gardens is essential in my country; therefore it will be good investigation.{“it would be a much better investment” is better here}

Summing up my essay,{try not to refer to your essay, I would say, summing up my arguments} I strongly believe that there is no necessity to build [a] high school in my community. To my mind, it is better to spend money for improving the older[existing] ones or for [elementary] education.

Here is another one:

You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which
would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.

It would be great if one day [a] kind wizard had given me money. So I had to make ch[oice] to purchase a house or a business. I would risk and would investigate[invest] a huge amount of money to increase my finance. {make it clear that you would buy a business - invest could mean anything}

First of all, I would like to begin by saying that my own business gives me enormous opportunities and abilities.{only say this if you already own a business - otherwise say “would give”} Unfortunately, the risk of fail[ure] is still high and I can easily lo[se] all money. But do you really think that buying a house once will get away[remove] {or “eliminate”} all your troubles and worries? Let’s{avoid contractions} not forget about paying taxes and rent, who gives money to me? {this is unclear - if you own the house you would receive the rent, from your tenant} Having [one’s] own business, on the other hand, will give stability and self-confidence on a future life. It does not [is no] secret that many successful entrepreneurs started the [took their] first step by raising money and investigating[investing] them [ i]n assets. {assets is pretty vague here - a house is an asset, so you might be talking about buying a house too} For example, well-known businessman, writer Robert Kioysaki in his best-seller book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” told about the same way of creating capital.

Secondly, organizing [a] business is a challenge. You would face with various problems such as searching for a property, salaries for workers. In addition, you have to compete with other companies to survive. {hmm, so far this sounds like a good reason to buy a house instead!} To illustrate this point in different way, I give an example of two entrepreneurs who decided to set up a business on the same branch.{“on the same branch” is unclear - do you mean “in the same line of business?” or “selling the same product”?} It is clear that one of them will fail while [the] other one will gain success. {hmm, so you have a 50/50 chance of losing all your money? not convincing to me!} Moreover, it is invaluable experience to purchase a business. Even if you make a mistake, you will learn something new and know ho[w ] to avoid this problem [in the future]. To my mind, employees with such experience are highly appreciated.

In conclusion, I strongly believe that starting up [one’s] own business is [a] unique experience. As for me, it is better to work on[for] myself and get [the] accordingly salary than [be employed by] on somebody else.

As usual there is wariety of mistakes which waiting for correction)
P.S. If you are planning to learn russian language, just tell me, I will corect your essays too

TOEFL listening lectures: How do botanists define a seed?

[Ackapuck]

Thank you very much, I even haven’t thought that my arguements so unconvincing.