Hi Luschen,Please check and grade my essay

[M_Yazdani89]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Advertising influences people’s behavior in negative way.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
Many hours of TV programs show advertisements that some company tell people about their product. They say their product is the best and you should buy it. These advertisement can change people manner in a bad way.
In advertising we see a young man or woman that encourage people to use their product, and try to convince people to spent money for this product. So it cause to increase the rat of consumption. Because of advertising people always waste their money and time. For example every day we see advertisement about using some product to have smooth, soft and bright skins or some kind of advertisement about use their instrument to be in good shape. When people see these advertisement, they persuade to use these stuff. They waste more money and time to have better look instead of using these money to created future for their children or spent time to teach them.
Also these advertisement always exaggerate about their product. It seems they try to deceive people to sell their product. Many people trust to these advertisement and buy them. But when they see real product, they become angry. In fact these advertisements abuse of honesty of people.
To sum up, I think advertising have negative effect on human behavior because they encourage people to consumption also they deceive them.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social science class (2)

[Luschen]

Hi Yazdani - I coach my son’s soccer team and the other coach’s name is Yazdian - almost the same! I thought your essay was pretty good. Your first reason was good, but your second seemed a bit weaker. Your writing was clear overall, but you had a lot of small errors in singular/plural matching and verb conjugation that make a lot of your writing sound unnatural. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.

@M_Yazdani89

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Advertising influences people’s behavior in negative way.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
Many hours of TV programs show advertisements that[in which] some company tell[s ] people about their product. They say their product is the best and you should buy it. These advertisement can change people[s ] manner{“manner” is not the best word here - character or behavior are better} in a bad way.
{add a transition} In advertising we [often] see a young man or woman that encourage[s ] people to use their product, and tr[ies] to convince people to spen[d ] money for this product. {this topic sentence does not really include a reason supporting your thesis - make sure every topic sentence directly refers to the prompt} So it cause[s ] to[an] increase [in] the rat[e ] of consumption. Because of advertising people always waste their money and time. For example every day we see advertisement[s ] about using some product to have smooth, soft and bright skins[skin] or some kind of advertisement about [urging consumers to] use their instrument to be in good shape. When people see these advertisement[s ], they [are] persuade[d ] to use these [unnecessary products] stuff. They waste more money and time to have better look instead of using th[is ]money to created[create a] future for their children or spen[d ] time to teach them.

Also these advertisement[s ] always exaggerate about their product[s ]. It seems they try to deceive people to sell their product. Many people trust to these advertisement[s ] and buy them.{“them” sounds like you are talking about the advertisements} But when they see real product, they become angry. In fact these advertisements abuse of honesty of people. {this point didn’t seem to address the prompt directly enough - I guess you are saying advertisements end up making people behave in a more angry manner, but you didn’t make the connection as clear as you might have.}
To sum up, I think advertising ha[s a] negative effect on human behavior because [is] they encourage[s ] people to [over-]consum[e] also they deceive them.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a social science class (2)

[M_Yazdani89]

In persian, Yazdani means theist, but yazdian means somebody from Yazd (a beautiful city in Iran )
Your answer was very helpful for me.
Thank you, Luschen.