Hi Luschen, Could you please evaluate my essay on a scale of 0-9.Many thanks!

[Zachray23]

In contemporary society, there is still no unanimous consensus on what is the idealest age to retire. Whether elderly people who are aged 55 or more should retire has triggered widespread concerns. Some one maintain that companies need to take steps to encourage old employees to retire early. Therefore more opportunities will be offered to the next generation. While from my perspective, I think their conclusion amounts to oversimplification.

On the one hand, high level employees who are experienced should be encouraged to work for a few more years. To begin with, employees, no matter how old he or she is, necessitates respect. Although their age may seem to be a drawback to some extent, we should never forget the contribution they made in their early time. Furthermore, many old employees possess special aptitude which should be cherished and utilized by the employers. Obviously, after a few years work in the front line or in the management post, those experienced workers have obtained a considerable amount of practicable skills and knowledge. If companies can take advantage of this priceless workers, more earnings and less cost will be promised. Last but not last the new generation will also profit from their elder counterparts. Without suitable guidance from the skillful old staff, these adolescents may slack off at work or even be misleaded.

On the other hand, others argue that early retirement will provide more employable opportunities to the young generation. This consideration can be attributed to the ever-increasing stifle competition in the labor-force market. Apparently, as the urbanization process is increasingly widespread and rapid, fresh recruits can be found easily. As a consequence, countless graduates have to compete for the limited amount of job, which may generate horrible outcomes. Even so, we should not put this practice into reality. If these new recruits cannot manage the stress for the job competition, they will not adapt to the future career successfully.

On the basis of above arguments, my conclusion is it is wrong-headed to urge the elderly high level employees to retire early against their own will. Yong generation need to throw themselves to the labor-force market rather than wait for somebody to rescue

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TOEFL listening discussions: What will the student try to do with his next essay?

[Luschen]

Hi Zachray, I think your ideas and content are excellent in this essay. You did sort of falter in the execution though. You have quite a few minor usage errors, poor word choices, and other mistakes that keep your essay from flowing smoothly and sounding natural. Due to this, I would rate this a band 6.5

@Zachray23

In contemporary society, there is still no unanimous consensus on what is the idealest [most ideal] {adjectives two syllables and more that do not end in a y cannot use “er” or “est”} age to retire. Whether {this sentence is better with the a subject - “The issue of whether …”} elderly people who are aged 55 or more should retire has triggered widespread concerns. Some one maintain that companies need to take steps to encourage old employees to retire early. Therefore[,] more opportunities will be offered to the next generation. While from my perspective, I think their conclusion amounts to oversimplification.

On the one hand, high level employees who are experienced should be encouraged to work for a few more years. To begin with, employees, no matter how old he or she is, {you switched from plural to singular here - maybe “each employee”} necessitates respect. Although their age may seem to be a drawback to some extent, we should never forget the contribution they made in their early time.{“previous years” is better} Furthermore, many old employees possess special aptitude[s ] which should be cherished and utilized by the employers. Obviously, after a few years work[ing] {or “a few years of work …”} in the front line or in the [a] management post, those experienced workers have obtained a considerable amount of practicable skills and knowledge. If companies can take advantage of th[ese] priceless workers, more earnings and less cost will be promised. {this sounds pretty awkward, will be promised in passive voice sounds odd to me} Last but not l[east,] the new generation will also profit from their elder counterparts. Without suitable guidance from the skillful old[er] {“veteran” is a more appropriate word here} staff, these adolescents may slack off at work or even be misleaded.{“misled” - but this is a little unclear to me misled in what way?}

On the other hand, others argue that early retirement will provide more employ[ment] opportunities to the young generation. This consideration can be attributed to the ever-increasing stifle{“stifle” means to reduce or quash - why do you use it here? - oh, you meant “stiff”} competition in the labor-force market. Apparently, as the urbanization process is increasingly widespread and rapid, fresh recruits can be found easily. As a consequence, countless graduates have to compete for the limited amount [number] of job[s ], which may generate horrible outcomes. Even so, we should not put this practice {what practice? the competition? if you are talking about early retirement I think you need to explicitly state it again} into reality. If these new recruits cannot manage the stress for[of] the job competition, they will not adapt to the[ir] future career[s ] successfully.

On the basis of [the] above arguments, my conclusion is [that] it is {“arguments, I conclude it is wrong-headed” is more concise and sounds better} wrong-headed to urge the elderly high level employees to retire early against their own will. {“own” seems redundant here} Yong [The young] generation need[s ] to throw themselves [in]to the labor-force market rather than wait for somebody to rescue [them].

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TOEFL listening discussions: What will the student try to do with his next essay?