Hi Luschen, another essay, please give me your suggessions

Todat · September 8, 2012, 3:30pm

[size=150][color=red]It is better to be a member of a group than the leader of a group. Do you agree or disagree?[/size]

Since the dawn of our modern civilization, people in any advanced society have all needed a prominent person who is capable of handling the leadership position for their community. On a smaller scale, we often pick up a leader when forming a new group in order to guide the group toward its common goals. Many people think that it is better to be a member of a group as their work responsibilities would be greatly alleviated, but it is not always the case. In my view, being the leader of a group is more preferable because I want to be a wise decision-maker, to earn more money, and to be a more influential person.

To begin with, leadership qualities help us become an excellent decision-maker. Decision-making is one of the most important skills we must possess to own a better life and avoid many unwanted matters. Leadership positions, in my view, are the best place to horn this skill. For instance, while a worker just needs to fulfill his task in a timely manner and with good enough quality, his supervisor has to manage to find the best way to get the project well done, take care of countless supplemental factors that influence the project in both positive and negative manner to accelerate the work. Researches have shown that only people who have an overarching vision could become a successful leader; these people often find it less struggling in life as they are versed in allocating their own resources and foreseeing many challenges ahead.

Another reason why I want to be a leader is that being a leader can flourish me with a lot of money. Truly, the duties of the group leader often outnumber compared to those of a group member. The group leader is often loaded with work responsibilities and commitments, so their salary should definitely be in accordant with their contributions. For example, in my company, my boss prefers to promote and encourage young employees who are erudite and highly productive at work to leadership positions. He says that these people deserve a higher salary due to their high pressure working environment and their high profitability, as well as productivity.

Finally, a leader often has a wide circle of acquaintances. A leader has to be in contact with every member of his group to well connect all the works of them. He is also in charge of appropriately assigning tasks to each proper group member to make the most of their strength. Moreover, in any company or organization, the leader of a specific group also has to cooperate with other leaders and his traditional customers. As a result, his circle of relationships is constantly expanding as he directs many different projects. Having many friends and partners in life is truly the greatest pleasure.

Certainly, many people want to be a member of a group rather than the leader of a group as they are simply unwilling to be or they just think that being a leader is too challenging and stressful. However, as a person who has the affinity for challenges in life, I still want to be the leader of a group because I want to live and enjoy a more prosperous life with rich camaraderie.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student visit the adviser’s office?

Todat · September 12, 2012, 8:07am

Please quickly revise it for me

Luschen · September 12, 2012, 1:24pm

Hi, sorry I missed this essay earlier. I thought this was an excellent job. You didn’t really have any grammatical errors at all. You did have a few phrases that could be improved and some suboptimal word choices. Still, your overall structure was excellent with good idea development, relevant examples, and some excellent vocabulary (didn’t I suggest camaraderie? it is always a good idea to butter up the grader ). I would rate this a 4.5 out of 5.

Todat:

[size=150][color=red]It is better to be a member of a group than the leader of a group. Do you agree or disagree?[/size]

Since the dawn of our modern civilization, people in any advanced society have all {ok, but “always” sounds better here to me} needed a prominent person who is capable of handling the leadership position for their community. On a smaller scale, we often pick up a leader when forming a new group in order to guide the group toward its common goals. Many people think that it is better to be a[n ordinary] member {it sounded like your choice was to be a member of a group or not be a member of a group} of a group as their work responsibilities would be greatly alleviated, but it is not always the case. In my view, being the leader of a group is more {“more” is redundant here} preferable because I want to be a wise decision-maker, to earn more money, and to be a more influential person.

To begin with, leadership qualities help us become an excellent decision-maker. Decision-making is one of the most important skills we must possess to own{“own” sounds a bit odd - maybe “seek” or “pursue”} a better life and avoid many unwanted matters.{“unwanted matters” sounds vague to me - be a bit more specific} Leadership positions, in my view, are the best place to horn[hone] this skill. For instance, while a worker just needs to fulfill his task in a timely manner and with good enough quality, his supervisor has to manage to find the best way to get the project well done[done well], [therefore] tak[ing] {always try to use transitions instead of just putting two clauses together} care of countless supplemental factors that influence the project in both positive and negative manner[s ] to accelerate the work. Researches ha[s ] {research is always singular} shown that only people who have an overarching vision could{“can” is better here} become a successful leader; these people often find it less struggling{“find it less struggling in life” sounds awkward - maybe “find life less of a struggle”} in life as they are versed in allocating their own resources and foreseeing many challenges ahead.

Another reason why I want to be a leader is that being a leader can flourish{you don’t flourish something, something just flourishes (if that makes any sense ) “the leader flourishes” but the leader does not flourish himself - here I would say "reward’} me with a lot of money. Truly, the duties of the group leader often outnumber compared to those of a group member. The group leader is often loaded with work responsibilities and commitments, so their salary should definitely be in accordan[ce] with their contributions. For example, in my company, my boss prefers to promote and encourage young employees who are erudite and highly productive at work to leadership positions. He says that these people deserve a higher salary due to their high pressure working environment and their high profitability,{saying a person has a “high profitability” is not really correct - their work leads to high profits} as well as productivity.

Finally, a leader often has a wide circle of acquaintances. A leader has to be in contact with every member of his group to well connect all the works of them.{“well connect” sounds odd - well needs to go at the end - and work is usually singular except for works of art - maybe “to coordinate all of their work well”} He is also in charge of appropriately assigning tasks to each proper{“proper” is unclear here -what would be an “unproper” group member?} group member to make the most of their strength. Moreover, in any company or organization, the leader of a specific group also has to cooperate with other leaders and his traditional customers. As a result, his circle of relationships is constantly expanding as he directs many different projects. Having many friends and partners in life is truly the greatest pleasure.

Certainly, many people want to be a member of a group rather than the leader of a group as they are simply unwilling to be{“unwilling to be” sounds unclear here - unwilling to be what? I think you mean leader, but it still sounds strange} or they just think that being a leader is too challenging and stressful. However, as a person who has the [an] affinity for challenges in life, I still want to be the leader of a group because I want to live and enjoy a more prosperous life with rich camaraderie.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why does the student visit the adviser’s office?

Todat · September 12, 2012, 6:38pm

Hi, thanks you Luschen, I am so impressed by your correction, especially this one

because it is really hard for me to realize it.
By the way, could my sentence “Certainly, many people want to be a member of a group rather than the leader of a group as they are simply unwilling to be or they just think that being a leader is too challenging and stressful” be corrected like this:
[color=red]Certainly, many people do not want to be the leader of a group due to their unwillingness or their thought that being a leader is too challenging and stressful.
And this one

I meant that “unwanted matters” refers to challenges that a person could across in life and overarching vision could help him in foreseeing them, which I mentioned in the last sentence. I don’t know how to make it be more specific. Could you please help me with this circumstance

Cheer!

Luschen · September 12, 2012, 7:34pm

Torsten · February 10, 2022, 8:19am

Since the beginning of our modern civilization, people in every advanced society have needed a prominent person who is able to provide leadership for their community. On a smaller scale, we often choose a leader when we start a new group to lead the group toward its common goals. Many people think that it is better to be a member of a group because it relieves them of their job responsibilities, but that is not always the case. In my opinion, it is better to be a leader of a group because I want to be a wise decision maker, earn more money and be more influential.

First of all, leadership skills help us to become an excellent decision maker. Decision-making is one of the most important skills we need to possess in order to live a better life and avoid many undesirable things. Leadership positions, in my opinion, are the best place to practice this skill. For example, while a worker just needs to complete his task on time and with sufficient quality, his supervisor needs to find the best way to complete the project well and take care of countless additional factors that affect the project both positively and negatively to speed up the work. Research has shown that only people who have an overarching vision can become a successful leader; these people often have a less difficult time in life because they know how to allocate their own resources and anticipate many challenges.

Another reason why I want to become a leader is that I can flourish as a leader with a lot of money. In fact, the responsibilities of a group leader are often greater than those of a group member. The group leader is often burdened with work duties and obligations, so his salary should definitely be in line with his contributions. For example, in my company, my boss prefers to promote and promote young employees who are learned and very productive to leadership positions. He believes that these people deserve a higher salary because of their high-pressure work environment and their high profitability and productivity.

Finally, a leader often has a large circle of acquaintances. A leader must be in contact with every member of his group to keep all work well connected. He is also responsible for assigning the right tasks to each group member to make the most of their strengths. In addition, the leader of a particular group in any company or organization must also work with other leaders and his traditional customers. Consequently, his circle of relationships is constantly expanding as he manages many different projects. Having many friends and partners in life is really the greatest pleasure.

Certainly, many people would rather be a member of a group than a leader of a group because they just don’t want to be or because they think being a leader is too demanding and stressful. However, as someone who loves challenges in life, I still want to lead a group because I want to live and enjoy a successful life with lots of camaraderie.