Hi leaders, please help me check this essay. Thank you so much

[thaodang119]

In developing countries, children in rural communities have less access to education. Some people believe that the problem can be solved by providing more schools and teachers, while others think that the problem can be solved by providing computers and Internet access.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Finding a viable approach to reduce illiteracy for children coming from rural areas has been one of the top priorities in certain developing countries. Although the provision of internet-connected computers can partly address the problem, I would argue that the best measure to this issue is to construct new schools and to employ more teachers.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why expanding the internet network and supplying computers can give students an opportunity to approach education. Firstly, it is true that online courses and classes are widely available and accessible, which makes geographic adversities become irrelevant. This is because such courses allow virtually all students, regardless of their backgrounds and locations to enroll in a class of their preference. Secondly, by studying through internet platforms, learners can save a large amount of money. In fact, they can access to the huge storage of information by a few touches of a button, most of which is either free of charge, or require small fees.

On the other hand, I believe that allocating national budgets to building additional schools and hiring more teachers will be a permanent remedy to the problem. By having new schools and teachers, students would have equal chances to enter formal education and proper academic environment. Not only do students use basic amenities such as libraries, classrooms, or laboratory rooms but they are also received instructions from their accredited teachers. Moreover, the interaction among students creates healthy competitions in scholastic performance, which promote them to work harder to achieve the good results in their academic career.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the best solution for bringing education in remote areas is to construct new schools and employ more teachers instead of depending on technology.

[Luschen]

Hi Nancy, you have some great ideas here and your writing is very clear and understandable.
Still, I think the format you used in your previous essay was more effective for this type of prompt.
As you did in that essay, I would provide a more objective thesis statement and then follow that up by having two objective body paragraphs, each stating the case for one side of the argument.
Then in your conclusion paragraph, I would introduce your personal opinion and restate those specific reasons that cause you to hold your opinion. As it is written, this whole essay sounds like one answering a “which side of the argument do you support” prompt. Also, make sure to always reinforce that you are addressing students from rural areas. Sometimes it sounded like you were just talking about students in general, which is not what the prompt is asking. Overall, your grammar and vocabulary were pretty good, but you did have some mistakes here and there. Here are some specifics:

@thaodang119

Finding a viable approach to reduce illiteracy for children coming from rural areas has been one of the top priorities in certain developing countries. Although the provision of internet-connected computers can partly address the problem, I would argue that the best measure to [tackling] this issue is to construct new schools and to employ more teachers. {I think it is better to state more clearly that there are two different viewpoints - this whole thesis sort of reads as your specific opinion, so it does not really address the prompt as effectively as it could.}

On the one hand, there are several reasons why expanding the internet network and supplying computers can give students [outside of metropolitan areas] {remember that the prompt is specifically talking about rural children} an opportunity to approach education. Firstly, it is true that online courses and classes are widely available and accessible, which makes geographic adversities {I like this term} become irrelevant. This is because such courses allow virtually all students, regardless of their backgrounds and locations[,] to enroll in a class of their preference. Secondly, by studying through internet platforms, learners can save a large amount of money. In fact, they can access to the huge storage of information by a few touches of a button, most of which {this “which” sounds a little bit like you are describing the button. To prevent this, don’t put the clause right after “button”, or say “… button, information that is either…” } is either free of charge, or require [only] small fees. {maybe compare this to the cost of expensive textbooks}

On the other hand, I believe that allocating national budgets to building additional schools [in the countryside] {once again, make sure each topic sentence addresses the prompt specifically} and hiring more teachers [to staff them] will be a permanent remedy to the problem. By having new schools and teachers, students [outside of cities] would have equal chances to [pursue] formal education [in a] proper academic environment. Not [would] students [be able to] use basic amenities such as libraries, classrooms, or laboratory rooms but they [could also receive] instructions from their accredited teachers. Moreover, the interaction among students creates {I think you are still in the hypothetical situation established earlier by “by having new schools and teachers, students would have …” so here I would stick to “… students would create …”} healthy competitions in scholastic performance, [promoting] them to work harder to achieve the good results in their academic career.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the best solution for bringing education in remote areas is to construct new schools and employ more teachers instead of depending on technology.