Hello, I'm new here. Could you guys check my essay and give a correct band for the ielts writing task 2 please?

English as a Second Language English Vocabulary, Grammar and Idioms
1

University should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject. Do you agree or disagree?

There is a general controversy on whether university should have the equality of gender in the number of students in each major. While I accept that this idea could bring the several benefits for students, I believe that it is not necessary to recruit equal quantity of boys and girls in a class.

On the one hand, the same figure of men and women in each subject may built a comfortable and convenient environment of study for students. In deed, people are usually under pressure when they are staying with the large number of peers who have the opposite gender. For example, if a student is the only boy in a class, he would be paid attention a lot from others, especially from the teacher, which is probably the most annoying and worrying thing for anyone in the university. Also, he could be regarded as a weird person because he select the subject that is tendentiously not preferred by boys. Furthermore, he may find it difficult to choose a friend for chatting or a partner for doing project.

On the other hand, it is not always easy and essential to have the balance number of male and female students in every major. It might be due to the fact that the natural interests and overall academic performances of both sexes are not often identical to each other. For instance, most of girls are not interested and good at science, so it is really difficult for them to compete against boys in the math class. Also, the major they study in the University has a significant impact on their future jobs and obviously, certain jobs are gender-specific. One example of this is that it is unrealistic for a woman to become a plumber or a construction worker. Therefore, students should be given the freedom of what they enjoy studying.

In conclusion, while I support the idea that university should recruit equal number of boys and girls in each class in order to create the comfortable study environment, the same figure of male and female students is by no means vital in every subject because of the differences in their interests and academic abilities.

2

Hi, welcome to the forum! I think your writing is very good in this one, apart from a lot of errors in article usage, but to me your essay is not very convincing. First, look at your thesis:
“it is not necessary to recruit and equal number of boys and girls in a class” - then your conclusion: “I support the idea that the university should recruit an equal number of boys and girls in each class.” These seem to contradict each other. One problem is that in a university, “class” can mean a particular course, like “Economics 101”, or it can mean a whole grade of students, “the sophomore class”. Then I guess your “facts” were not convincing to me - are people really uncomfortable around people of the opposite sex? Would students be more uncomfortable in a 25% to 75% gender split vs a 50-50 split? And are women inherently worse at some subjects? There are a lot of exceptional female scientists and mathematicians, so this doesn’t seem like a valid argument. Here are some other suggestions:

University should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject. Do you agree or disagree?

There is a general controversy on whether [universities] should have [an] equality of gender in the number of students in each major. While I accept that this idea could bring [] several benefits for students, I believe that it is not necessary to recruit [an] equal quantity {“quantity” is generally used for non-countable nouns} of boys and girls [for each] class.
On the one hand, [having] the same figure {“figure” sounds odd here} of men and women in each subject may [build] a comfortable and convenient environment of study for students. [Indeed,] people are usually under pressure when they are staying {“staying” sounds odd here - do you mean “studying with”?} with [a] large number of peers who have the opposite gender. For example, if a student is the only boy in a class, he would be paid [a lot of] attention from others, especially from the teacher, which is probably the most annoying and worrying thing for anyone in the university. Also, he could be regarded as a weird person because he [selected] the subject that is tendentiously {this word does not really work in this context] is not preferred by boys. Furthermore, he may find it difficult to choose a friend for chatting or a partner for doing project.

On the other hand, it is not always easy and essential to have [a balanced] number of male and female students in every major. It might be due to the fact that the natural interests and overall academic performances of both sexes are not often identical to each other. For instance, most [] girls are not interested and good at science, so it is really difficult for them to compete against boys in the math class. {you start the sentence talking about science, but end with math - this doesn’t make sense to me} Also, the major they study in the [university] has a significant impact on their future jobs and obviously, certain jobs are gender-specific. One example of this is that it is unrealistic for a woman to become a plumber or a construction worker. Therefore, students should be given the freedom of what they enjoy studying. {this last sentence does not fit in with the rest of your paragraph at all. It sounds like you are arguing that women should not have the freedom to take classes in male-dominated fields, but then you finish by saying students should be free to take whatever they like - surely some women like plumbing and construction?}

In conclusion, while I support the idea that university should recruit [an] equal number of boys and girls in each class in order to create [a] comfortable study environment, the same figure of male and female students is by no means vital in every subject because of the differences in their interests and academic abilities.

1 Like
3

hi Luschen,
Thank you so so much. Your comment is so much helpful. You are such a good and great person. I’m really appreciate that. Again, thank you very much for helping me.

4

You are welcome. Sorry I messed up my introductory comments a little - I edited my post so it should make more sense now.