Getting advice from people who are older that you is more valuable than from peop

[Asmatjan]

Dear sir/ madam

Recently, I am preparing for a TOEFL test, and I am planning to take the test on April 26th, and I was wondering if you could help me out with my essais, because I am kinda worried about my writting,

really appreciate it.

sincerely yours

With the development of society, there are an increasing number of people who are concerned over whether getting advices from people, who are older that we are, is more valuable. Some people hold the opinion that we should get advices from people of our age, since people who are older might solve the problems the old fashioned inefficient way. This is where the controversy arises, however, that people, who are strongly opposed to this idea, state that we really should get advices from older people because they are more experienced and we can make the right decisions by their help. As far as I am concerned, I have to agree with the latter one for the following reasons.

The first essential reason that I have to put forward at the beginning is that, one of the best ways to avoid making the wrong and terrible decisions is to get advices from older people, due to the simple fact that they are more experienced and might even have faced the same problems before so that they can get us through the difficult situations easily. The more experienced you are, the more likely you are to make the right decisions. Without any doubts, there are some life-changing decisions that we have to make in our lives that we have to try our best to make sure to make the right decisions. Let’s take a simple example. When I was graduating from high school, I was having extremely difficult time to choose the university that suits me the best for my interests, and I was really desperate for help from people who can help me out, who can give me the useful information to make me informed, and my brother stood out and informed me with all the information, since he was already in college at that time and, obviously, he had faced the same problem before. As a result, I was able to choose the university that can meet my demands. If there were not my brother, who is older and experienced, I would not be able to make the right decision.

The second important reason that we have to consider is that, when we are getting advices from the older people, not only can they prevent us from making the unfavorable decisions, but also they can help us to learn the things that cannot be taught in schools and increase our knowledge, which will enable us to make career preparations for our future career. Undoubtedly, by interacting and communicating with older people about the difficult problems and issues will definitely help us to gain more knowledge and acquire helpful social skills, for, as we have talked above, they tend to have seen even more difficult situations, thus, tend to have more experiences comparing to the people of our age. I can take my brother as an example again. I spend a lot of time with my brother when he is on his summer or winter vacation, and we talk about his life in college and the things that I have been doing and the problems that are bothering me, and by just communicating and talking, I can learn how to handle and balance difficult situations, because, apparently, he have taught me a lot through those conversations.

However, we cannot deny the fact that by getting advices from people of our age also has some advantages; they can see the problems from the same perspective; they can understand exactly why and how those problems are bothering us, which might be a little difficult for people who are older than us since they tend to see problems from different perspectives. But, by comparison, it goes without saying that getting advices from more experienced older people has more advantages and is much enormously valuable.

From what we have discussed above, we can safely come to the conclusion that the advantages of getting advices from older people obviously outweigh the advantages of getting advices from the people of our age, due to the fact that we can avoid making the horrible and wrong decisions, and we can also acquire more tremendously useful social skills and gain more knowledge by interacting with people who are older and more experienced.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the lecturer mention Leonardo da Vinci?

[Luschen]

Hi, welcome back to the forum. I think your essay is pretty good, with a lot of supporting evidence and detailed examples. Your writing is clear and understandable, but you have a lot of rambling sentences that seem to go on and on with many “ands” and repetitive words and phrases. Try splitting them up or using more creative transition phrases. You also have some incorrect word usages, most notably “advices”, which is incorrect. Still, a good job though; I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

@Asmatjan

With the development of society, there are an increasing number of people who are concerned over whether getting advices{“advice” is non-countable singular} from people, who are older that we are, is more valuable.{more valuable than what? without looking at the prompt, this is a little unclear} Some people hold the opinion that we should get advices [advice] from people of our [own] age, {“of our age” would be in the same historical period} since people who are older might solve the problems the {I would use “an” as, there are many old fashioned and inefficient ways} old fashioned inefficient way. This is where the controversy arises, however, that people, who are strongly opposed to this idea, state that we really should get advices[advice] from older people because they are more experienced and we can make the right decisions by[with] their help.{this sentence sounded awkward and ungainly to me} As far as I am concerned, I have to agree with the latter one for the following reasons. {this thesis statement is not very strong - I think a thesis statement should be able to stand on its own}

The first essential reason that I have to put forward at the beginning is that,{no comma} one of the best ways to avoid making the wrong and terrible decisions is to get advices[advice] from older people, due to the simple fact that they are more experienced and might even have faced the same problems before so that they can get us through the difficult situations easily. {this sentence is a little unorganized and rambling} The more experienced you are, the more likely you are to make the right decisions. Without any doubts,{“without a doubt” is the common expression} there are some life-changing decisions that we have to make in our lives that [in which] we have to try our best to make sure to make the right decisions. {this sentence is a little awkward with some repetitive words and phrases} Let’s take a simple example. When I was graduating from high school, I was having [an] extremely difficult time to choose [choosing] the university that suit[ed] me the best for my interests, and I was really desperate for help from people who c[ould]help me out, who c[ould] give me the useful information to make me informed, and my brother stood out and informed me with all the information, since he was already in college at that time and, obviously, he had faced the same problem before. {wow, this is very long and rambling with a lot of repetition} As a result, I was able to choose the university that c[ould] meet my demands. If there were not my [it were not for my] brother, who is older and experienced, I would not [have] be[en] able to make the right decision.

The second important reason that we have to consider is that,{no comma} when we are getting advices[advice] from the older people, not only can they prevent us from making the unfavorable decisions, but also they can [also] help us to learn the things that cannot be taught in schools and increase our knowledge, which will enable us to make career preparations for our future career. Undoubtedly, by interacting and communicating with older people about the difficult problems and issues will definitely help us to gain more knowledge and acquire helpful social skills, for, as we{are you writing this with a partner? I think you need “I”} have talked[mentioned] above, they tend to have seen even more difficult situations, thus, tend to have more experiences compar[ed] to the people of our [own] age. {this sentence seems a little too long and rambling} I can take my brother as an example again. I spend a lot of time with my brother when he is on his summer or winter vacation, and we talk about his life in college and the things that I have been doing and the problems that are bothering me, and {start a new sentence here beginning with a transition like “therefore”} by just communicating and talking, I can learn how to handle and balance difficult situations, because, apparently, {“apparently” sounds odd here, as if you are not sure of this} he ha[s ] taught me a lot through those conversations.

However, we cannot deny the fact that by getting advices[advice] from people of our [own] age also has some advantages; they can see the problems from the same perspective; they can understand exactly why and how those problems are bothering us, which might be a little difficult for people who are older than us[,] since they tend to see problems from different perspectives. But,{avoid beginning sentences with “and” or “but”} by comparison, it goes without saying that getting advices[advice] from more experienced older people has more advantages and is much enormously valuable.

From what we {once again, the “royal we” sounds odd} have discussed above, we can safely come to the conclusion that the advantages of getting advices[advice] from older people obviously outweigh the advantages of getting advices[advice] from [our contemporaries] the people of our age, due to the fact that we can avoid making the horrible and wrong decisions, and we can also acquire more {the more sounds odd here} tremendously useful social skills and gain more knowledge by interacting with people who are older and more experienced.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why does the lecturer mention Leonardo da Vinci?