Games are as imporatnt for adults as they are for children

[PhuongDu]

Would you mind helping me correct the essay about the topic below? Thank you very much.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Games are as important for adults as they are for children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As we all know, games are forms of structured play which are comprised of goals, challenge and interaction to stimulate enjoyment and entertainment among the players. Generally, games are designed to exercise the physical, psychomotor and mental faculties of those who are involved. The significance of games is further defined depending on one’s culture, environment, educational orientation, gender and age. The importance of games may appear differently from the viewpoint of a child as compared to that of an adult.

First of all, games are necessary for the growth and development of growing children as this is also a form of systematic exercise for the young ones. Also, a child’s social skills are developed through active participation in games. They first learn how to be good sports through structured play. The value of teamwork and cooperation are also being inculcated in children through games. For adults, games supplicate the type of activities which are integral in physical fitness and in further improvement of their physical well-being. Games also play a significant role in their social lives as it enhances effective communication and cooperation.

On the other hand, adults take games more seriously in comparison to children. As most children would see games as an interactive form of play conducted for them to enjoy; for adults, games may as well be considered as imagined possibilities. Adults regard games as lucrative sources of income. There are those who become athletes and those who are avid fans of these athletes. Adults tend to exert more effort to achieve their goals in whatever type of game they have engaged themselves with.

To sum up briefly, there are many advantages in playing games for working adults. While many adults today are finding it difficult to include games in their leisure, it is important to realize the benefits that are accompanied by activities such as playing games. Playing games not only helps relieves stress accumulated from an individual’s demanding work life but are also fun to indulge in. It fosters good social relations amongst friends and family members and thus a reason why games are indispensable and should be included in one’s lifestyle.

[Luschen]

Hi Phuong, your writing is so good in this essay, but I am afraid it might not get a high score because you did not directly address the prompt. The prompt is asking whether games are as important for adults as they are for kids. You never really answer this question.
You say that games are important for kids and that games are important for adults, but to me, that is not really answering the question. Maybe the grader would think differently, but why take the risk? I think you need to be more explicit and directly address the question with a yes or no answer. Besides that, your other main issue is your lack of transitions. Your sentences are fantastic, but they do not really flow well together and the relationship between one statement and the next is not always evident. Is this additional information? Is this an example? Is this a similar situation?
Transitions are what make these relationships clear to the reader.
Here are some specific comments:

@PhuongDu

As we all know, games are forms of structured play which are comprised of {I am sort of a stickler for this one - the correct term is “composed of” - the goals, challenge and interaction comprise the play. Everybody seems to use comprised of, but really I think it is still incorrect. Can You Use Comprised Of? Comprised Of vs Composed Of | Merriam-Webster } goals, challenge and interaction to stimulate enjoyment and entertainment among the players. Generally, games are designed to exercise the physical, psychomotor {psychomotor seems too close to physical - why not “social faculties” or “interpersonal faculties”? That seems the true third aspect} and mental faculties of those who are involved. The significance of games is further defined depending on one’s culture, environment, educational orientation, gender and age. The importance of games may appear differently from the viewpoint of a child as compared to that of an adult. {wow, what a great introduction, but you missed the thesis. For this type of prompt, your thesis should answer the question given in the prompt; you must give your personal opinion}

First of all, games are necessary for the growth and development of growing children as this is also a form {I would suggest “… children, as they serve as a form of …” your “also” sounds odd to me - also in addition to what?} of systematic exercise for the young ones. Also, a child’s social skills are developed through active participation in games. They first learn how to be good sports through structured play. The value of teamwork and cooperation are also being inculcated in children through games. For adults, games supplicate {“supplicate” is incorrect here - I think you mean “supplement”} the type of activities which are integral in physical fitness and in further improvement of their physical well-being. Games also play a significant role in their social lives as it enhances effective communication and cooperation. {you have some great ideas and sentences here, but you are in dire need of some more creative transitions - it sounds like “also … also … also”. Let me try to add some:

“First of all, games are necessary for the growth and development of growing children as they serve as a form systematic exercise for the young ones. Furthermore, a child’s social skills are developed through active participation in games. To be specific, they first learn how to be good sports through structured play. Moreover, the value of teamwork and cooperation are also being inculcated in children through games. Similarly, for adults, games supplement the type of activities which are integral in physical fitness and in doing so, provide further improvement of their physical well-being. On a related note, games play a significant role in their social lives as well, as they enhance effective communication and cooperation.”

See how just a few well-placed transition words and phrases help tie the ideas together in improve your development? Here is a list of some transitions I posted a while ago: Toefl study group - #32 by Luschen }

On the other hand, adults take games more seriously in comparison to children. As most children would see games as an interactive form of play conducted for them to enjoy; {use a comma here - the “as” makes this a dependent clause} for adults, games may as well be considered as imagined possibilities. [For instance,] Adults regard games as lucrative sources of income. There are those who become athletes and those who are avid fans of these athletes. Adults tend to exert more effort to achieve their goals in whatever type of game they have engaged themselves with. {once again, transitions would be helpful to avoid this sounding so choppy}

To sum up briefly, there are many advantages in playing games for working adults. While many adults today are finding it difficult to include games in their leisure, it is important to realize the benefits that are accompanied by activities such as playing games. Playing games not only helps [relieve] stress accumulated from an individual’s demanding work life but are also fun to indulge in. It fosters good social relations amongst friends and family members and thus a reason why games are indispensable and should be included in one’s lifestyle.