This is one of the funniest podcast segments I have ever heard. If you want a real test of your listening ability, you can follow along. They talk pretty quickly! Go to this link thebuglepodcast.com/?p=466 and begin at 26:50. Perhaps not for the easily offended or for the French:
Britain invading you news now. And look, wherever you live in the world, Britain has probably tried to invade you at some point; that is a historic fact, because new research claims that Britain in our long, colorful, magnificent, slightly shameful and occasionally cross-dressing history, we have invaded all but 22 countries in the world. This new study found out that at various times, the British have invaded almost 90 percent of the countries around the planet. Those are pretty good numbers as invaders go, Andy, that is imperialism hall of fame form. This analysis is contained in a new book All The Countries We’ve Ever Invaded And A Few We’ve Never Got Round To. And I even like that title Andy, “the few we’ve never got round to”. It’s not that we’ve failed to invade those other 22, it’s just that we basically forgot. On that list of the 22 countries that have escaped our glorious form of benevolent justice, Sweden, how the f#$@ did we miss Sweden John! That’s ridiculous. Everything the Vikings did on our shores? I reckon, I reckon it’s worth taking a pop at them now. If you land between 7AM and 9PM they’ll be in the sauna anyway, we’ll just walk straight in. There are good excuses for a number of the countries that we haven’t bothered invading - Central African Republic, Republic of Congo, just left it to the French, nothing much happening there. Tajikistan, transport nightmare. Guatemala, forgot. Marshall Islands, never heard of ‘em, what are they anyway? Luxembourg, come on, we like a challenge. Chad, oh the queen already had a sand pit at Windsor Castle, didn’t need a massive new one in Africa. Vatican City, why spoil a good day out in Rome? Kyrgyzstan, can’t spell it. Mali, never been drawn away from home to play them in a football tournament. And Paraguay, silly name. So basically, we’ve invaded almost every relevant country in the world John. In the world. It’s amazing we didn’t just accidentally invade Luxembourg on the way to invading somewhere else. The book analyzed the histories of almost 200 countries in the world and found only 22 that never ever experienced an invasion by the British. And look, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it, you 22. If you haven’t been invaded by the British, you’ve never lived. It’s an elite club with a membership of almost everyone. The author explains, his desire to do this thing, “Other countries could write similar books, but they would be much shorter. I don’t think anyone could match this, although the Americans had a later start and have been working hard on it in the 20th century.” Oooh, cat-ty! I mean, that’s technically true but they’re not going to get close Andy. In fact, the only other nation which has achieved anything approaching the British total is apparently France, which is amazing because you mostly think of them capitulating in wars rather than starting them. Do you lose one for every time you’ve been invaded by another country? They might have lost the title with that. Interestingly, the French also hold the unfortunate record and the dubious honor of having endured the most British invasions. But it’s just so hard to resist. It’s like goal difference in football, invasion difference. It’s just so hard to resist invading the French, they’re right there and their food smells so good as it wafts across The Channel. And they’ve got those curvy “come invade us” coastlines. They’re practically begging for it. Including incursions by British pirates, privateers, or armed explorers, in working out the number of countries that have been invaded, provided these people were operating with approval of their government. This is how it used to work John, official government-sponsored pirates, those were the days. Wouldn’t have to tart these things up with some kind of trade mission or inward investment, just straight up, honest to goodness British stealing and acquisitiveness. And it just goes to show John, as the old adage says, it’s amazing what you can get away with if you have a very smart uniform, a well-polished stick, and a hat that means business. The author said, “This book is not intended as any kind of moral judgement on our history of empire, it is meant as a lighthearted bit of fun.” Which ironically, is also what the British empire was meant as. Yes, it’s <can’t decipher> Andy! The British empire was just supposed to be a lighthearted bit of fun. And everyone took it so seriously.