Financial education should be a mandatory component of the school program.Agree?

[Sabchang13]

Pleas edit and rate this essay .

Financial education should be a mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Education about money in a school has raised many eyebrows. Some people oppose it saying money is a root cause of an evil and should not be introduced in a school, plus children are not matured enough to learn such a complex subject. On other hand, there are people who passionately advocate the importance of financial education in a school as they believe people are poor because they have no knowledge about finance.

Some people do not want their children to learn about money, fearing it can disregard the importance of simple living and high thinking. Rather the children are encouraged to show-off later in their life. In addition to that, the parents may fear that their children would be demanding if the school teaches children about financial education. For example, many parents in developing countries teach their children to look for within rather than material value. So, they prefer to keep their children away from such program at school.

However, there are people who wanted their children to be taught importance of money matters in a school. Those parents also try to teach their children about money by giving them a small pocket money and teaching them how to use that money. Most of these parents are enjoying a decent life with a house, a car, and they spend their money on holidays. And they wanted their children to follow their footsteps to become financially independent. Such attitude is mostly prevalent in western countries wherein becoming a financial independent is most talked about topic in social media.

Having stated about both views, some parents opted out financial education in a school as it’s important to look within than chasing for money whereas other side parents advocate compulsory financial education in schools. I believe, it’s important to teach children about money at school because children learn the value of money and how to use it wisely.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a life sciences class (3)

[Luschen]

Hi Sabchang, I thought your writing was pretty good, but your first body paragraph was not that convincing to me. Maybe I just don’t buy that teaching kids how to manage money would make them greedy. I thought you addressed the topic pretty well, but maybe you should use a little more space to state your personal opinion and your reasons with a little more detail. Your writing was generally clear, but you did have some errors in sentence structure and a couple of odd sounding phrases. Overall, I would rate this a band 6.

@Sabchang13

Pleas edit and rate this essay .

Financial education should be a mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Education about money in a[high] {or “elementary” or whatever you think the prompt means - “a school” implies this is being done in just one school} school has raised many eyebrows. Some people oppose it[,] saying money is a root cause of an evil and should not be introduced in a school, plus children are not matured [mature] enough to learn such a complex subject. On other hand, there are people who passionately advocate the importance of financial education in a school as they believe people are poor because they have no knowledge about finance.

Some people do not want their children to learn about money, fearing it can disregard{“diminish” is better here} the importance of simple living and high thinking. Rather the children are encouraged to show-off later in their life. {this is a bit confusing - I thought you meant that rather than learning about money, the children should be encouraged to show off} In addition to that, the parents may fear that their children would be demanding {“demanding” is a bit unclear here - “demanding children” means unruly children} if the school teaches children about financial education. For example, many parents in developing countries teach their children to look for [happiness] within rather than material value. So, they prefer to keep their children away from such [a ] program at school.

However, there are people who wanted their children to be taught [the] importance of money matters in a school. Those parents also try to teach their children about money by giving them a small [amount of] pocket money and teaching them how to use that money. Most of these parents are enjoying a decent life with a house, a car, and they spend their money on holidays. {this sounds like they only spend their money on holidays, as they already own a house and a car} And {avoid beginning sentences with “and” or “but”} they wanted their children to follow their footsteps to become financially independent. Such [an] attitude is mostly prevalent in western countries wherein becoming a financial[ly] independent is [the] most talked about topic in social media.

Having stated about{“stated about” is wrong - maybe “having explored”} both views, some parents opted out [of] financial education in a school as it’s [more] important to look within [rather] than chasing for money whereas [on the] other side parents advocate compulsory financial education in schools. I believe, it’s {avoid contractions} important to teach children about money at school because children learn the value of money and how to use it wisely.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture from a life sciences class (3)

[Sabchang13]

Sir Luschen,
Thank you so much for editing my essay. I learnt a lot from you.
I am sitting for IELTS on 17th of January 2015. The band score 6 will be too low for my further study. I am little worried about writing part because I need to score 7 band out of 9, as per application requirement for a college. I also try to use variety of sentence structure to strike for better grade , but that seems not working. Please I need your advise on this topic. I will appreciate your help. Have a wonderful day there.