Help me to correct this essay ! Thank you !
Topic:
Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives.
Do you agree? To what extent is this the price they pay for being famous ?
Answer:
It is undeniable that nowadays there are more and more famous singers and movie stars who can earn a very high income, and they have a comfortable, expensive life around the world. But I think that just some of them lead unhappy lives because of they do not know how to spend their money, they have high pressure in their lives. Besides, there are many famous stars have meaningful and happy lives.
In my opinion, some movie stars and singers are not happy because they do not know to control themselves. They can earn much money, but they do not know how to spend their money more usefully. It is obvious that magazine and newspaper are full of stories about famous and rich actors, actresses as well as singers. They stand high pressure in their work and lives because of their activities, behaviors to everyone around them. This might make them end up drinking too much, smoking a lots even taking drugs. Take the case of Britney Jean Spear for example, she has been in clinic many times. In addition, divorce rate is also rising alarming among celebrities. Their marriages often last only a short period of time and they re-marry quickly, but the same thing happens again. For instance, the action Elisabeth Taylor divorced 8 times.
On the other hand, we have witnessed so many wealthy and well-known stars do manage a happy family as well. Although they work hard, they work in high pressure, they still have time to give to their family or even for themselves. They did many meaningful things to help poor people, or to give scholarships to help good students who have not enough conditions to study in the developing countries. For example, Victoria - David Beckam and Angelia Jolies – Brad Pitt are two of happy couples.
From what has been discussed above, I may draw the conclusion that having unhappy lives are not for consequence of being rich and famous. But it is my belief that many of them are not strong enough to deal with when having a lot of money, causing a misleading life.
TOEFL listening discussions: How does Dr Beech characterize the assistantship?
Help me to correct this essay ! Thank you !
Topic:
Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives.
Do you agree? To what extent is this the price they pay for being famous ?
Answer:
It is undeniable that nowadays there are more and more famous singers and movie stars who can earn a very high income, and they have a comfortable, expensive life around the world. But I think that just some of them lead unhappy lives because of they do not know how to spend their money, they have high pressure in their lives. Besides, there are many famous stars WHO DO have meaningful and happy lives.
In my opinion, some movie stars and singers are not happy because they do not know to control themselves. They can earn much money, but they do not know how to spend their money more usefully. It is obvious that magazine and newspaper are full of stories about famous and rich actors, actresses as well as singers. They stand high pressure in their work and lives because of their activities, AND THEIR behavior toWARD everyone around them. This might make them end up drinking too much, smoking a lot OR even taking drugs. Take the case of Britney Jean SpearS for example, she has been in A clinic many times. In addition, divorce rate is also rising alarmingLY among celebrities. Their marriages often last only a short period of time and they re-marry quickly, but the same thing happens again. For instance, the ACTRESS Elisabeth Taylor divorced 8 times.
On the other hand, we have witnessed so many wealthy and well-known stars do manage TO HAVE a happy family as well. Although they work hard, they work UNDER high pressure, they still have time to give to their family or even for themselves. They DO many meaningful things to help poor people, or to give scholarships to help good students who have not enough conditions to study in the developing countries. For example, Victoria - David Beckam and Angelia Jolie – Brad Pitt are two of THE happy couples.
From what has been discussed above, I may draw the conclusion that having unhappy lives are not THE consequence of being rich and famous, but it is my belief that many of them are not strong enough to deal with life when having a lot of money, causing a misleading life.
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Not too bad Teresa. Your sentence structure sometimes lets you down. Do more reading.
Kitos. 8/10