Everyone should become vegetarian

[Lemin1991]

Hi Luschen,
I write a new essay about vegetarian life style.
Could you help me revise it?
This time I spent more time on finding ideas and related vocabulary around the Internet. Hope you enjoy it.

Thank you in advance.

Topic: Everyone should become vegetarian because they do not
need to eat meat to have a healthy diet. Do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

    It is true that vegetables and fruits are indispensable in our daily diet. Although many people adopt vegetarian life style due to ethical concerns, religious belief and health considerations, I myself partly agree with this viewpoint.

On the one hand, people should choose to become vegetarian for a plethora of reasons. Firstly, individuals who are opposed to eating meat argue that their action may help reduce the slaughter of animals and protect animal welfare. For them, eating meat is as cruel as killing animal. Secondly, some religions such as Buddhism forbid their followers to consume any kind of meat, which may enable them to manage their anger or negative emotions more straightforwardly in their point of view. Finally, eating a diet rich in vegetables and fruits, to some extent, could reduce the risk for heart disease or even cancer. In a certain circumstance, some cancer patients could recover their healthy life if they ate only nutrient rich vegetables and fruits.

On the other hand, adopting vegetarian life style does not guarantee a healthier life completely. In addition to ingredients, the way we process food has a similar or greater impact on our health. For example, many vegetarians cook their food with a huge amount of oil to make the dish delicious, which in turn increases the bad cholesterol level in their blood vessels. Also, eating vegetables and fruits only sometimes cannot produce enough energy for a long working day. Most vegetarian people feel tired or sleepy during their daily jobs compared with their meat-eating counterparts.

In conclusion, it is obvious that we need to maintain a well-balanced diet with sufficient fruits and vegetables for the betterment of life. However, I think people should make the choice of which kind of food to eat in term of their conditions and life style.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university professor and a student in the professor’s office

[Luschen]

Hi Lemin, I think that you did a better job with vocabulary in this one.
Your structure is good and your ideas are clear. Still a few errors in usage and a couple clarifying phrases I would add, but this is getting close to the band 7 level.

@Lemin1991

Hi Luschen,
I write a new essay about vegetarian life style.
Could you help me revise it?
This time I spent more time on finding ideas and related vocabulary around the Internet. Hope you enjoy it.

Thank you in advance.

Topic: Everyone should become vegetarian because they do not
need to eat meat to have a healthy diet. Do you agree or disagree?

Essay:

    It is true that vegetables and fruits are indispensable {good word choice here} in our daily diet[, but there is a question as to whether meat is likewise essential.] {the focus of the prompt is on whether eating meat is indispensable, not whether eating vegetables is necessary, so adding this phrase would help tie your introduction into the prompt better} Although many people adopt [a ]vegetarian life style due to ethical concerns, religious belief and {I think "or" is more appropriate here} health considerations, I myself partly agree with this viewpoint. {this sentence doesn't work with the "although" - you use although when you disagree with the previous clause - "Although many people are vegetarians, I think it is a silly idea"  or you could disagree partly - "Although many ... I myself only partly agree ..." or "Although many ... I myself partly disagree"

On the one hand, people should {"may" seems better, as you are describing rather than prescribing} choose to become vegetarian for a plethora {  :)  }of reasons. Firstly, individuals who are opposed to eating meat argue that their action may help reduce the slaughter of animals and protect animal welfare. For them, eating meat is as cruel as killing [an] animal. Secondly, some religions such as Buddhism forbid their followers to consume {"from consuming" is better with "forbid".  "to consume" would be used with "command" - "I command you to consume vegetables"} any kind of meat, which may enable them to manage their anger or negative emotions more straightforwardly in their point of view. {I don't really see how this second clause, "which ...view" is connected to being a vegetarian - maybe explain it better or don't use it at all} Finally, eating a diet rich in vegetables and fruits, to some extent, could reduce the risk for heart disease or even cancer. In a certain circumstance, some cancer patients could recover their healthy life if they ate only nutrient[-]rich vegetables and fruits.

On the other hand, adopting [a ]vegetarian [lifestyle] does not guarantee a healthier life completely. In addition to ingredients, the way we process food has a similar or greater impact on our health. For example, many vegetarians cook their food with a huge amount of oil to make the dish delicious, which in turn increases the bad cholesterol level in their blood vessels. Also, [only] eating vegetables and fruits [s]only[/s] sometimes cannot produce enough energy for a long working day. Most vegetarian people feel tired or sleepy during their daily jobs compared with their meat-eating counterparts.

In conclusion, it is obvious that we need to maintain a well-balanced diet with sufficient fruits and vegetables for the betterment of life. However, I think people should make the choice of which kind of food to eat in term[s ] of their conditions {"conditions" seems pretty vague - what exactly do you mean?}  and [lifestyle].

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a university professor and a student in the professor’s office

[Lemin1991]

Hi Luschen, thank for your revision. Do you think my essay is off topic? Because in the question, only a healthy diet is mentioned, but in my answer, I included religion and ethical concerns.

[Luschen]

@Lemin1991

Hi Luschen, thank for your revision. Do you think my essay is off topic? Because in the question, only a healthy diet is mentioned, but in my answer, I included religion and ethical concerns.

Hi, that is a good catch. Rereading the prompt, I think you may be correct. The prompt focuses on health, so it may be best to focus on the health aspects of vegetarianism.