Essay: Young people enjoy life more than older people do

[Oybeka98]

Hi everyone. I’m a new user here. I noticed that there is a strong community.
Can you please check my essay? Any comment will be appreciated. @Sumejja @Torsten

Young people enjoy life more than older people do.

All people should enjoy life as best as they can. This enjoyment differs for everyone, especially for young individuals. While some people believe that young people enjoy life more than older ones, others strongly disagree. Personally, I believe that young people get more pleasures from life than older people do.

First, older people usually have more responsibilities in their life compared to younger generations. Admittedly, they have to care about their family welfare, workloads and overall civil responsibilities. They tend to provide all necessary conditions for their children’s happiness and prosperity. In contrast, young people have a more burden-free life. They can play video games, travel with friends across the country and concentrate on their hobbies without any concerns.

Second, young people are more energetic and healthier. This allows them to accomplish a lot of tasks during a day and not to be overwhelmed. However, elderly people mostly struggle with fatigue and various illnesses which themselves do not constitute happiness. For example, whenever an old man breaks his leg or arm, he would face more severe consequences than a young kid whose bones a more elastic and quickly recoverable.

Third, young generations are inexorable to learn and explore new things. Even learning of a basic thing could make them happy and satisfied. On the contrary, this is not the case for old people who are difficult to impress and excite because they have broader experience and everything for them seems as usual.

Finally, young people actively challenge older generations by setting audacious goals and plans. Since they have a better comprehension of technologies, it helps them to find ways of solving problems more easily by using available solutions.

To sum up, I think that young people enjoy life more than older people because the former have fewer responsibilities, better health and enthusiasm. In my opinion, older people also enjoy their life but it differs from young generations’ perception of enjoyment.

[Torsten]

Hi Oybeka, welcome to our forum and many thanks for sharing your essay which I enjoyed reading very much. You have a solid grasp of the English language and are able to analyze a topic and express your opinion in a structured and logical way. I’m sure you will have no problems scoring on the TOEFL test. When are you planning to take the test and why? What do you want to achieve this year?

[Oybeka98]

Thank you very much for your attention @Torsten! I have my TOEFL exam on the 4th of July.
This year is a kind of tough year for me because on the 28th of September I’ve my GRE test. I’d like to apply for graduate school.

[Sumejja]

Hello Oybek and welcome to our forum! Just like @Torsten said, your essay is very good. However, I will still go ahead and point out some mistakes. Just keep in mind these are not the usual mistakes that people make – most of these seem to stem from a lack of experience with the English language.

I’ve mentioned this to @Memo34 before, but I think it bears repeating, especially at your skill level: listening to music or watching movies in English (especially if you add English subtitles as well, so you can read while you listen) can help you understand the language and its rules more intuitively. That way, it tends to make more sense, especially compared to studying rules by heart. With your vocabulary and general grasp on the language, I would recommend watching science documentaries (if you’re interested in those), because your normal Hollywood movies won’t pose a challenge.

Regarding the essay:

Admittedly, they have to care about their family welfare…

I wouldn’t use “admittedly” here. This word is usually used when you’re admitting something that may be a little against your will, or conceding a point. For example, if you’re arguing with someone and they say that all pitbulls are aggressive, you would reply with something like, “Admittedly, pitbulls tend to have more behavioral issues than other breeds, but those can be offset with proper training.”

Keeping with the meaning of the sentence, I’d replace it with “usually” or “very often.” If you have another idea, let me know! We can figure out whether it fits or not and why that’s the case.

This allows them to accomplish a lot of tasks during a day and not to be overwhelmed.

The second “to” is redundant. You’ve already said “this allows them to accomplish a lot of tasks…” and the other part of the sentence is only a continuation of that, as evidenced by your usage of “and.” Try saying it out loud – you’ll notice that it rolls of the tongue much better without the second “to.”

However, elderly people mostly struggle with fatigue

Again, “however” is not the word I’d use here. Yes, you usually use this word to contrast a statement you’ve made previously, but in this case, your previous statement was about young people, not old people. If you were still talking about the same topic (young people) you could use “however.” In this case, you’re introducing a new topic, but contrasting it to the previous one, so you could begin with “On the other hand…” Let me know if this is confusing and we can find a different way to explain it.

which themselves do not constitute happiness

Again, not the word I’d use here. Maybe “which themselves do not help with happiness”? If needed, I’ll get back to this a bit more. This is one of those cases in which you need to listen to the language often, in as many circumstances as you can, to get a good feeling for what sounds right and what doesn’t.

Third, young generations are inexorable to learn and explore new things.

Another word that doesn’t fit. “Inexorable” is something “not to be persuaded, moved, or stopped,” according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. (It’s also much more often used for inanimate things, rather than people.) I’d go with “young generations are eager to learn and explore new things.”

Even learning of a basic thing

Two possible ways: either “even the learning of a basic thing” or, more elegantly said, “even learning a basic thing.” It’s your choice.

everything for them seems as usual.

“As usual” isn’t incorrect, but “ordinary” would sound better.

Other than that, I really liked your last two paragraphs! Also, I tend to agree with you Happiness and enjoyment can be found in different ways, but yes, it’s easier to be happy when you don’t carry the weight of the world on your shoulders

I won’t be estimating your band score or anything similar, but I will say that you’re well above average, and that most of your mistakes aren’t things that are usually taught in textbooks. You’re now wandering into uncharted territory and acquiring a mind for the language. For me, that’s the best part of learning a foreign language! Good luck, and don’t forget to ask if you have any questions!

[Oybeka98]

@Sumejja Thank you very much for such a detailed review of the essay and valuable advice you gave me.

I greatly appreciate all your effort.

I’m currently reading a lot of science articles from different resources in order to increase my academic vocab, and improve reading comprehension.

Here is the list of them:

• Mental Floss - Science Section
• Smithsonian Magazine - Science
• TIME USA - Science
• Science News

Regarding the essay:

I previously thought that Admittedly linker means something like ‘a well-known fact’ or ‘commonly admitted fact by everyone’, but now I’ve got a clear idea of its usage!

I always refer to the book called “Practise your conjunction and Linkers” by Donald Adamson, when I use linkers.

Here are two rules from this book:

But now, I’m really confused because I was always applying these two rules in my writings.
Can you please explain more specifically your suggestion on ‘however’?

Again, thank you very much!

[Sumejja]

Huh, now I’m pretty confused myself. But thank you for uploading these images, this is very informative!

Honestly, even in this Haydn vs Beethoven example, the usage of “however” sounds a bit odd to me, and I’d rather use “on the other hand.” How old is the book? However (no pun intended), I’m not a native speaker. Maybe someone else from the forum can shed some light on this issue? @Tamar, @Sean-C, @tim_m, and @Claire are all native speakers. I’m very interested in learning more about this too!

[Claire]

Hi there! I haven’t looked into this topic in-depth, but personally I would use “on the other hand” before “however” in the Haydn vs. Beethoven example.
It seems to me that when “however” is used to contrast two statements it can generally be replaced by “on the other hand.”