Essay topics: Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and give your opinion

[Rosie]

I’m gonna take the IELTS exam in the next December, so I want to post one of my essays in here, hoping you will give me your feedback. Thank you very much!

The exorbitant salary of athletes has sparked major controversy in some countries. While some people agree that this phenomenon is fully fair, others reject this notion, believing that the extravagant earnings of sportsmen are inequitable compared to other professionals. This essay will try to discuss both sides of the argument as provide my opinion.

On the one hand, there are various reasons why sports professionals deserve a high salary. Since sports require a lot of physical strengths, they have to endure rigorous practice to make sure they can be in the peak of condition all the time. For example, a soccer player needs to be trained at least 5 years before becoming a real athlete. Besides, in some extreme sports like ice-skating or wrestling, the athletes have a high probability of injury, even sustained life-threatening injuries all too often. Another feasible explanation is that though sportsmen spend all their childhood and adolescence to practice, they only have 10 years to shine in their career. Last but not least, should sports-persons winning an international competition, it will bring reputation and honor to its countries and people.

On the other hand, in terms of other occupations such as the teacher, doctor, fire worker, their roles in the society are incontrovertible. For instance, America is always considered as a top-level country regarded to techno-scientific, thanks to the significant invents of its inventors. Other examples include construction workers and doctors, who make home to protect us and save our lives. Yet all their contribution and non-stop efforts are being neglected by the public, and their payment is far behind from sports celebrities.

In conclusion, after all the aforementioned arguments are discussed, I believe that every single job has its own importance, and we should pay them the respect they deserve. And the government should make sure those who contribute equally to society gain better monetary prizes.

[Luschen]

Hi Ha Ph ngg, welcome to the forum! I think your writing is very good and you have obviously been practicing a lot. Your format is good, and I think your essay started off very strong, but the quality diminished a little towards the end - maybe you were running out of time and had to rush a bit? Your second body paragraph sounded a little bit disjointed with various statements that were not adequately connected into a cohesive whole. Also, I think you could have spent a little more time and space discussing your opinion and the specific reasons why you believe the way you do. I liked how you tried to use as many synonyms as possible in order to avoid repetition, but some of your choices did not actually sound very natural in this context. You could use some more specific words in various places, like “football player” or “olympian” or “professional skier” to avoid having to come up for more synonyms for athlete or sports celebrity. Once again though, a very good effort - here are some specific suggestions.

@Rosie

The exorbitant salary of athletes has sparked major controversy in some countries. While some people agree that this phenomenon is [entirely] fair, others reject this notion, believing that the extravagant earnings of sportsmen {“sportsmen” is not really a synonym of athletes. A sportsman implies someone who likes hunting or fishing and other similar outdoor activities.} are inequitable compared to other professionals. This essay will try to discuss both sides of the argument as [well as] provide my opinion. {I think it is more effective to actually give your opinion in the thesis statement}

On the one hand, there are various reasons why sports professionals deserve high [salaries]. {it is best to make sure the object matches the subject} Since sports require a lot of physical strengths, {“strengths” is a bit ambiguous here - do you mean being physical strong or having physical skills or talents? Best to be more clear} they have to endure rigorous practice to make sure {“to ensure” sounds a bit more polished here} they can be [at] the peak of condition {we would use in with “in peak condition”} all the time. For example, a soccer player needs to [train] {“be trained” sounds too much like a dog or other animal} at least [five] {write out numbers smaller than 20} years before becoming a real athlete. Besides, in some extreme sports like ice-skating or wrestling, the athletes have a high probability of injury, even [sustaining] life-threatening injuries all too often. Another feasible explanation [for generous compensation] is that though sportsmen spend all their childhood and adolescence to practice,{“in practice” or better, “practicing”} they only have [ten] years to shine in their career. Last but not least, should sports-persons {sports-persons sounds odd} [win] an international competition, it will bring reputation {“bring reputation” is incorrect - maybe “bring respect” or “increase the reputation of”} and honor to [their] countries and people.

On the other hand, in terms of {“in terms of” sounds odd in this context - maybe “in the case of”} other occupations such as [teachers, doctors, and firefighters,] their roles in the society are incontrovertible. For instance, America is always considered as a top-level country [in regards] to techno-scientific [aspects], thanks to the significant [inventions] of its inventors. {this sounds awkward} Other examples include construction workers and doctors, who [build houses] {make sure to know the difference between house and home - a builder can construct a house, but only a family can create a home - or something like that! } to protect us and save our lives[, respectively.] Yet all their [contributions] and non-stop efforts are being neglected by the public, and their payment {“payment” sounds odd here - maybe “earnings are far”} is far behind [those of] sports celebrities.

In conclusion, after all the aforementioned arguments [have been] discussed, I believe that every single job has its own importance, and we should pay [each one] the respect [it deserves]. {once again, do not switch from singular to plural} [Therefore] {avoid beginning sentences with conjunctions like “and” and “but”} the government should make sure those who contribute equally to society gain better monetary prizes. {“prizes” is not really correct in this context}

[Rosie]

Wow, I didn’t realize my essay have that much mistakes. Your feedback means a lot to me! Again, thank you so much, Luschen By the way, I have just started learning how to write an essay for a half month, and this is my second essay. Therefore your compliment make me feel really really happy Have a good day

[Torsten]

@Rosie

Wow, I didn’t realize my essay have that much mistakes.

Please note that ‘mistakes’ is countable.

[Rosie]

Oh Thank you so much