Essay test trial - Hi, please grade my essay

Topics: If you could invent something new, what product would you develop? Use specific details to explain why this invention is needed.

If I have a talent to invent something, I want to invent the system to help a continue education to everybody from childhood until the time we all retired in the old age. We are living in the world that things are constantly changing and we can even say that the change is only way to keep sustainable life. However a lot of people think the education is done after they get a degree from college or high school and they resist the idea of a continuous learning rest of lives. Unfortunately those people tend to get behind of technologies and ends up to be out of job. I’d like to help this will happen less and less with my invention.
I’ve noticed this problem first time was about 10 years ago when my mother-in-law got laid off from her work where she had worked 15 year. She was a hard worker and didn’t miss one day during the time and therefore she held job such a long time however when her company installed new machine, she was not able to keep up and she was not able to stay in company anymore. Tragically she couldn’t find a new job for a long time because she didn’t have high school diploma. She was a high school drop-out. In 70s or 80s, the degree didn’t matter; as long as she is a hard and honest worker, there was a lot of places she was able to work. And she found this good job but with the change of time, she was not ready to move forward to next step. If there is a system to continue her education, she didn’t fall into this trap.
Her situation is not rare. This happens all the time now-a-days. We could read this in the statistics in the news. We have more job openings yet they cannot be filled due to lack of qualified people. Those jobs are good and high paying job. If we continued our educations in adulthood, a lot more people had a chance to get those jobs.
However some people are resisting to the new technologies and wish everything would stay as it is. They tend to think the change is happening because of the technology and human society but that is not necessarily true. We see this happens in the nature too. In Japan we have a famous poem - The stream of river looks always same but the water of the river keeps moving and it’s never been same"
When you think about any river you see every day, the scenery of it looks always same but when you think about it, water drop of river is constantly moving and water you saw yesterday in the river is no longer there and different water is consisting of the river you see today.
This is an example of the change sustains the eternity of thing and we can say that applies to human’s life.
Hence, I believe the importance of the lifetime education and I want to invent some system to support it.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between two students (1)

Hi, I think your writing is pretty good, but I didn’t really like the organization of your essay. I couldn’t really tell the main points of your essay, it seemed a bit scattered. I am not sure exactly what your lifetime education system would look like - on the whole your ideas seemed a bit vague. This is a good webpage that gives an effective format for a 5 paragraph essay - it might be helpful: Your sentences themselves are not too bad, though you do have some grammatical errors and some odd sounding phrases. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5, but based on your writing quality alone it might rate a 4.