Essay: teenagers have jobs while they are still students

English as a Second Language Preparation for and help with the TOEFL® Test and
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Please check and give rate to my essay

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students.
Do u thinks this is a good idea? Support ur opinion by using specific reasons and details.

Although many people think that student who works during their school may not able to get good grades but in my opinion, work and study together makes student more organized and planned person. In this essay I will enumerates some points which support my point of view.

First, earn money while getting education makes student more confident and independent. For instance, one of my friend was doing part time job with his graduation and because of that she was having strong belief in herself that she will definitely get good job after completion of her graduation but on the other hand my another friend who was not working was not sure to get a job and even she does not know what to do next after graduation.

Furthermore, jobs are not only provide independency but it also prepare and build a strong personality so that students will be successful in all their upcoming endeavors. For eg, during work teenagers face many problems and challenges but at the same time they learn how to overcome from them. Moreover Work place provides an opportunity to meet with different people, which improves their personality, communication skills , analytical skills, work ethics and people management.

Finally, throughout the work student can discovers their internal capabilities and field of interest. For example, if they are doing part time job at restaurant then this work elaborate their managerial and marketing skills and they found that they can start their own restaurant business. In the same way if students are working as a tutor in library then their teaching skills may encourage them to become a teacher. Additionally while working student can take their important decisions of their life.

To conclude, I always support to work during education to expand and improve my skills and to find the correct path and perfect carrier after completion of my education.

TOEFL listening discussions: How long has the young man been drinking alcohol?

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Although many people think that studentS who works during their school YEAR may not BE able to get good grades, but in my opinion, workING and studyING together AT THE SAME TIME makes studentS more organized and planned EFFICIENT persons. In this essay I will enumerates some points which support my point of view.

First, earnING money while getting AN education makes studentS more confident and independent. For instance, one of my friendS was doing A part-time job with UNTIL his HER graduation and because of that she was having A strong belief in herself that she will WOULD definitely get A good job after completion of her graduation. but On the other hand, my another friend OF MINE, who was not working, was not sure to THAT WOULD get a job and even she does DID not know what WAS GOING to do next after graduation.

Furthermore, jobs are DO not only provide independency, but it THEY also prepare and build a strong personality so that students will be successful in all their upcoming endeavors. For eg EXAMPLE, during work teenagers face many problems and challenges, but at the same time they learn how to overcome from them. Moreover, A workplace provides an opportunity to meet with different people, which improves their STUDENTS’ personalitIES, communication skills, analytical skills, work ethics and people management SKILLS.

Finally, throughout the work studentS can MAY discovers their internal capabilities NATURAL ABILITIES and fieldS of interest. For example, if they are doing A part-time job at A restaurant, then this work MIGHT elaborate ENHANCE their managerial and marketing skills and they MAY found DECIDE TO that they can start their own restaurant business. In the same way, if students are working as a tutorS in A library, then their teaching skills may encourage them to become a teacherS. Additionally, while working student can take their important decisions of their life.

(To conclude, I always support to work during education to expand and improve my skills and to find the correct path and perfect carrier after completion of my education.)

To conclude, I support THE IDEA OF STUDENTS HAVING A PART-TIME JOB WHILE COMPLETING THEIR STUDIES: THIS NOT ONLY PREPARES THEM FOR THE DEMANDS ASSOCIATED WITH HAVING A FULL-TIME JOB, BUT ALSO HELPS THEM DEVELOP THEIR skills and FINALLY FIND THE BEST CAREER FOR THEMSELVES.

Oh, I am exhausted!
Don’t panic, Avinash, my comment was not meant to be critical. It just looks like I bit off more than I can chew. :slight_smile:

I didn’t quite know how to fix your conclusion so I ended up rewriting it almost entirely.

Pay more attention to articles (get a good job, getting an education etc). I noticed that you used ‘overcome from’ in your other essay as well – ‘overcome from something’ is incorrect. I asked about that here: overcome from?
Again, if you ask me to grade your essay, I’d say 8/10.

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Just one small point that kind of sticks out: a person in plural usually becomes “people”, not “persons” (see the end of the first sentence).
That is not to say that “persons” is wrong. It’s correct, albeit it’s commonly used in writs, such as a police report, which I assume this is not supposed to be.

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In this sentence

“earnING money while getting AN education makes studentS more confident and independent”

Why makes and students can come together?
When we use singular STUDENT then we will use singular verb MAKE and vice versa so is this correct

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Yes Tort, I remember reading about that in Alan’s essay, here: english-test.net/stories/84/index.htm

I thought of changing ‘persons’ to ‘people’, but I try keeping as close as possible to the original when I make any of my ‘‘corrections’’, so in the end I decided against changing it.

Avinash, I think there the verb agrees with the action of earning money (one single action, singular); it is not supposed to agree with the plural noun ‘students’.

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Please, let me participate: Colored parts!

Avinash, isn’t there any side effect from doing two hard things together?
I think this is a good essay. Still we can improve it.

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The other ideas are like these:

  1. Because of their family state - No parents, taking care of siblings.
  2. To buy extra books, and learning materials.

For side effects:
It might cost them low scores and it would prevent them to go to a good university.

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I did not think about this, these are good points.
thanks

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Heyyy

Thank you so much for all those correction. Because I never checked my essay with such details which you guys are doing.
I will remember your important points in my next essay.

One question I want to ask that its necessary that we should write every para in essay with conclusion like using words So, Thus, Therefor, like this???
sometime I did not find any conclusive sentence which can connect through that paragraph.

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I am very far from being an expert on this kind of essays but it seems to me that he was not supposed to list here the advantages and disadvantages of having a job while studying, nor the reasons why the student might need a job.

Also, he was not asked to write about the ‘‘side effects’’ (perhaps ‘negative effects’?) of working while studying. It is not about the negative effects on students’ academic achievements or about the negative impact on students’ health and such.

The writer is required to write whether they think it is a good idea or not to work while studying and then support their opinion.

Ah well, I don’t really know, Pasban… Just saying… :slight_smile:

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Hi Cristina.
You are right, dear.

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Ah, that’s just music to my ear, Pasban! ;-D

Yes Avinash, I think those kinds of words help your ideas flow and make your essay look well-organized.

Here are a few:

  • first/firstly (second/secondly, third/thirdly).
  • in like manner, in the same way, likewise, similarly
  • at the same time, but, conversely, even though, however, in contrast, nevertheless, nonetheless, on the other hand, still
  • for example, for instance, in other words, namely, specifically, to illustrate
  • accordingly, as a result, consequently, so, thereby, therefore, thus, furthermore, also, moreover, in addition,
  • finally, hence, in brief, in conclusion, in short, in summary, to sum up

Take your pick, one of them words or phrases must fit! :slight_smile:

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