Essay: Students should study art or science?

[Farshad.l.1988]

Hi.
This is my first essay written here. I would be grateful If you can evaluate and correct my essay.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important for students to study history and literature than it is for them to study science and mathematics. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

My essay:
The issue of superiority of science over art or vice versa has always been a heated controversy among people. Some believe that students should allocate most of their time to study science, but the other have the opposite view. From my vantage point, however, both sides of art and science have their unique influence on our life about which we should ponder to arrive a conclusion.
Firstly, the advocate of science and technology state some rational reasons. They argue that science and technology deal with the indispensable aspects of our life, while history and art are just a luxury. For instance, without the development of science we definitely encountered a wide variety of problems in health care and providing food for our huge population. In addition, science provide convenience for us which is superior to art. For instance, consider a society that don’t have the technology of manufacturing car but many students are studying in art discipline. It goes without saying that in this country the students are wasting their time and budget.
On the flip side, as the English proverb goes “a coin has two sides”, those who take the opposite view are partially reasonable. They point out that it’s art that keep a society delighted and without scholars that create funny films or entertaining and training books the society don’t have adequate impetus to deal with scientific matters. What’s more, regarding to history fields, they mention that it’s the background of a country that forms their identity and the identity of a country should be placed in the first priority to study.
Taking into account all factors, I personally hold the opinion that it’s the balanced improvement of science and art that lead to the prosperity of a country. In this way, science can deal with the material needs of humankind and art can help the individuals to be satisfied mentally. If I were the president of my country, I would pay equal attention to both fields.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why do Birds of Paradise have amazing plumages?

[Luschen]

Hi Farshad, welcome to the forum. I think you did a pretty good job here. Your arguments are clear and relevant, though not always convincing to me - see my notes below. You also have quite a few singular/plural conjugation errors and some awkward sounding sentences. If this is for the TOEFL, I would rate it a 3.5 out of 5.

@Farshad.l.1988

Hi.
This is my first essay written here. I would be grateful If you can evaluate and correct my essay.

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more important for students to study history and literature than it is for them to study science and mathematics. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

My essay:
The issue of superiority of science over art or vice versa has always been a heated controversy among people. Some believe that students should allocate most of their time to stud[ying] science, but the other[s ] have the opposite view. From my vantage point, however, both sides of art and science {both sides of art and science sounds like you are saying both art and science have two sides} have their unique influence on our life about which we should ponder to arrive a conclusion.{this last phrase sounds a little awkward}
Firstly, the advocate of science and technology state some rational reasons. They argue that science and technology deal with the indispensable aspects of our li[ves],{or “of life”} while history and art are just a luxury. For instance, without the development of science we [would] definitely encountered a wide variety of problems in health care and providing food for our huge population. {this is a little unclear, especially since even with science, we still have these problems} In addition, science provide[s ] convenience for us[,] which is superior to art. For instance, consider a society that don’t [does not] {avoid contractions, especially incorrect ones }have the technology of manufacturing car[s ] {“technology to manufacture cars” is better} but many students are studying in [the discipline of] art discipline. It goes without saying that in this country the students are wasting their time and budget[s ].{why is this true? surely they can do their art in any society, but those studying manufacturing will not be able to find a job in their own country if there are no factories}
On the flip side, as the English proverb goes “a coin has two sides”{“every coin has two sides” is the more common saying}, those who take the opposite view are partially reasonable.{“partially reasonable” sounds a little odd to me} They point out that it’s [it is] art that keep[s ] a society delighted and without scholars that create funny films {“scholars” are not usually the ones who make funny films} or entertaining and training books{“entertaining and training books” sounds odd - what exactly do you mean?} the society don’t [does not] have adequate impetus to deal with scientific matters. What’s more, regarding to history fields, they {who is “they” here?} mention that it’s[it is] the background of a country that forms their[its] identity and the identity of a country should be placed in the first priority to study.
Taking into account all factors, I personally hold the opinion that it’s[it is] the balanced improvement of science and art that lead[s ] to the prosperity of a country. In this way, science can deal with the material needs of humankind and art can help the individuals to be satisfied mentally.{“emotionally” or “psychologically” might be better} If I were the president of my country, I would pay equal attention to both fields.

TOEFL listening lectures: Why do Birds of Paradise have amazing plumages?

[Farshad.l.1988]

Thank you so much for your meticulous editing. I have several question about your comments.

1. In line 2, why “allocate most of their time to study science” is incorrect?
2. In line 6, I did not get your point. You mean that I should use definite as follows?
   without the development of science we would definite encounter a wide variety of problems

Also, I have a generic question:
In the cases that the question ask the advantages of both sides, must we talk about both side? I have seen sample essays in the “answer to all TOEFL essay” with 6 score that despite their complete grade, they have not discussed both sides

[Luschen]

@Farshad.l.1988

Thank you so much for your meticulous editing. I have several question about your comments.

1. In line 2, why “allocate most of their time to study science” is incorrect?

“To” here is a preposition so you need a noun as an object. So either “studying science” or “the study of science” would work.
2. In line 6, I did not get your point. You mean that I should use definite as follows?
without the development of science we would definite encounter a wide variety of problems

For the past tense it would have to be “we would definitely have encountered”. But this doesn’t work since we have encountered these things. I would prefer the future tense. “We will definitely encounter” though I guess the present is ok too “we definitely encounter”. Have to go will answer your last question later. Could you give me a link to the essays?

Also, I have a generic question:
In the cases that the question ask the advantages of both sides, must we talk about both side? I have seen sample essays in the “answer to all TOEFL essay” with 6 score that despite their complete grade, they have not discussed both sides