[Essay] People are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon.

Topic: In general, people are living longer now. Discuss the causes of this phenomenon. Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

This is my essay. Please help me to check it.

Many researches have shown that people now have longer life expectancy. There are some reasons that can explain this phenomenon.

First of all, thanks to the development of health science, people are able to live longer. In the past, there were many diseases which could not be cured, caused the death of thousands of adults and children all over the world. For example, before finding the best ways of treatments, tuberculosis had killed a lot of people. Nowadays, many health studies have been researched, and numerous of experiments have been conducted. Therefore, the scientists have found the best methodology to treat a large number of diseases. Moreover, with the help of advance devices and machines, the doctors are able to diagnose the illness at a very early stage. This makes them easily have effective therapies, and the patients can recover quickly.

Furthermore, people are having more nutritionally balanced food. Along with the development of our society, the material lives of humans have reached higher standards than ever before. A few of decades ago, in many countries, people were not provided with enough food; however, today, they not only escaped from the starvation, but they also have high-quality meals. Additionally, many universities and institutes have published their studies which suggest people what to eat that ensures our body will be supplied with sufficient vitamins and minerals. A lot of people have followed their advice; and they are having better health conditions that help them enjoy their lives longer.

Finally, people are taking part in many healthy activities. In early morning, they do exercise and other physical activities, like jogging or running. Moreover, they often go to beach for swimming in the summer, or enjoy many interesting games, such as skiing, in the winter. These help them burn the excessive energy in their bodies; and also are able to prevent some dangerous diseases, such as obese, and make people feel healthier.

All in all, because of the achievements in science, balanced meals and useful activities that people enjoy, they now are living longer than in the past.


Thank you very much.

TOEFL listening lectures: A university lecture by a professor of Social History

Htt,

Nice work - really nice. Your essay is logical and is written in good, easy-to-understand language. Now, a few corrections and a piece of advice:

Many researches have shown that people now have longer life expectancy. There are some reasons that can explain this phenomenon.

First of all, thanks to the development of health science, people are able to live longer. In the past, there were many diseases which could not be cured, caused the death of thousands of adults and children all over the world. For example, before finding the best ways of treatment were found, tuberculosis had killed a lot of people. Nowadays, many health studies have been researched and numerous of experiments have been conducted. Therefore, the Scientists have found the best methodology to treat a large number of diseases. Moreover, with the help of advanced devices and machines, the doctors are able to diagnose the illness at a very early stage. This makes them (who - doctors?) easily have effective therapies, and the patients can recover quickly.

Furthermore, people are having eat more nutritionally balanced food. Along with the development of our society, the material lives of humans have reached higher standards than ever before. A few of decades ago, in many countries, people were not provided with enough food; however, today, they not only have escaped from the starvation, but they also have high-quality meals. Additionally, many universities and institutes have published their studies which suggest people what to eat that ensures our that their bodies will be supplied with sufficient vitamins and minerals. A lot of people have followed their advice, and they are having now have better health conditions that helps them enjoy their lives longer.

Finally, people are taking take part in many healthy activities. In the early morning, they do exercise and other physical activities, like jogging or running. Moreover, they often go to the beach for swimming in the summer, or enjoy many interesting games, such as skiing (activity - not a game, I think), in the winter. These help them burn the excessive energy in their bodies; and also are able to prevent some dangerous diseases, such as obesity, and make people feel healthier.

All in all, because of the achievements in science, balanced meals and useful activities that people enjoy, they now are living longer than in the past.

Now, some advice:

Your opening paragraph should contain the entire thesis statement. For example:

“Nowadays, people expect to live longer because of modern health science, better informed eating habits, and a higher awareness for the need to exercise.” - This should be your thesis statement, not just conclusion.

Again, good work.

Phil

Many thanks Phil. You are helping students very much! I appreciate it! Is there any punctuation error? “In the past, there were many diseases which could not be cured, caused the death of thousands of adults and children all over the world” should be
In the past, there were many diseases which could not be cured, causing/resulting inthe death of thousands of adults and children all over the world ???

“Additionally, many universities and institutes have published their studies which suggest people what to eat that ensures our that their bodies will be supplied with sufficient vitamins and minerals” should be
Additionally, many universities and institutes have published their studies suggesting people what to eat to ensure that their bodies will be supplied with sufficient vitamins and minerals.

“A lot of people have followed their advice, and they are having now have better health conditions that helps them enjoy their lives longer” should be
A lot of people have followed their advice, and they are now have better health conditions, helping them enjoy their lives longer.
energy -> calories
These help them burn the excessive energy in their bodies; and also are able to prevent some dangerous diseases, such as obesity, and make people feel healthier.
Not clear at all.
@Kitos and Phil: A lot of confused sentences and ideas are still existed in this essay. Am I right?
CA.

I agree with u CA.
I suggest Mr.Kitos should stop rating every essay and revise more carefully instead!
It seems to me that your grade doesn’t fair and exact. Many essays that are very simple and written in a easy-to-understand way are preferable than logical and well-developed ones. It doesn’t sound fair at all. Kitos: 9/10 or 10/10 essays. It’s too boring. I think this time should be used to revise these essays carefully!
Best regards,
NGU.

NGU, I don’t think I actually revised this essay, so what are you talking about?
Essays are scored at the request of students. It was never my idea to do so, but I agreed to do it.
Scores are not based solely on the written work, but on the progress and improvement that the student is showing.
If you think my contribution is unfair and boring, then I shall avoid reading your work in future, and concentrate on the work of those who appreciate my efforts.