Could you please rate my essay? Thank you in advance :)

[Createdbay]

[color=darkred]In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

Some people do not want the student to have job because they think that children should pay attention in their studying. But from my point of view, I agree with the idea that allows students have jobs while they are studying. I believe this for several reasons. First, Children can get good experience from their job. Second, Part time job does not affect children’s study.

There are many experiences that children cannot learn it from classroom. They can get it from working. For example, when I was third year university student. I got a chance to do one project to a tire company. They want me to find the root causes of the product problem. I have learn a lot in my class room about the tools to help me find where problem came from but my problem is I don’t know how to get the information from the operators. Finally, I got the advice from my mentor that I need to have more relation with them to get the information. Sometime the information come out after work during their soccer time or dinner. He suggested me to spend more time after work with operators. Then, I got the information I need. My experience during my project showed me that the knowledge in the classroom is not enough to achieve the task from the real world.

Second, I don’t think that have a job while study will affect children’s school grade. From my experience, my sister, Na, was working part-time job at Japanese restaurant during her high school years. But she also got the good GPA every semester. Moreover, she also got a high score for entrance examination, the university admission exam. Refers to my sister experience, I think the part-time job for student is acceptable.

In summary, I agree with students who have a part-time job during their studying. Because it won’t affect their study and they will got benefits from their job too.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture by a professor of Art

[Luschen]

Hi Createdbay. I though you did a good job with this essay. You have addressed the prompt correctly and your vivid and personal examples are very convincing. Your writing sounds fluent and natural, apart from some errors here and there. You have some trouble with your articles and prepositions, and some of your sentences are not structured correctly. Overall, I would rate this a 4 out of 5.

@Createdbay

[color=darkred]In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support your opinion by using specific reasons and details.

Some people do not want the student[s ] to have job because they think that children should pay attention in[to] their studying{“studies” is better}. But from my point of view, I agree with the idea that allows [to allow] students [to] have jobs while they are studying.{“while they are in school” is more clear} I believe this for several reasons. First, [because c]hildren can get good experience from their job. Second, [and a p]art time job does not affect children’s study. {it is better to combine this summary into one sentence}

There are many experiences that children cannot learn it from [in a] classroom. They can [only] get it from working. For example, when I was [a] third year university student[, ] I got a chance to do one project to{“at” or “for”} a tire company. They want[ed] me to find the root causes of the product['s] problem. I ha[d ] learn[ed] a lot in my class room about the tools to help me find where [the] problem came from but my problem is I don’t [but the trouble was, I did not] {avoid saying problem again, because you are talking about two different problems here} know how to get the information from the operators. Finally, I got the advice from my mentor that I need[ed] to have more relation [a closer relationship] with them to get the information. Sometime[s ] the information come[s ] out after work during their soccer time or dinner. He suggested me to [I] spend more time after work with [the] operators. Then, I got {better: “I followed his advice and soon got”} the information I need[ed] . My experience during my project showed me that the knowledge in the classroom is not enough to achieve the task from [in] the real world.

Second, I don’t{avoid contractions} think that hav[ing] a job while study[ing] will affect children’s school grade[s ]. From my experience, my sister, Na, was working [a] part-time job at [a] Japanese restaurant during her high school years. But she also got the [a] good GPA every semester. Moreover, she also got a high score for [her] entrance examination, the university admission exam. Refer[ing] to my sister['s] experience, I think the[a] part-time job for student[s ] is acceptable.

In summary, I agree with students who hav[ing] a part-time job during their studying[,] Because it won’t affect their study and they will got[get] benefits from their job too.

TOEFL listening lectures: A lecture by a professor of Art