cloud you please correct my essay(job choise similar to parents' jobs)

Topic : children should choose their job similar to their parent’s jobs than to choose the jobs that are very different from their parents’ job.

My essay:

Actually, I believe that children should not have the jobs that are similar to their parents' job. I have a couple of reasons for holding this opinion which are listed as follows.

The first aspect to point out is that the career choice should be based on the interest and talents of the children not their parents’ job, in order to become successful in their occupation. Maybe the job their parents’ have is not the case of children aptitude and interest; if they choose the jobs of their parents they might not be as successful as their parents were and if this happen, they will become disappointment and they even go bankrupt and leave their job and become out of work.

Another reason why I have this view point is that, today many things have changed; the development of technology has altered the job opportunities and the style of business. Maybe the jobs our parents had in the past do not have the prosperity had last, so the children should choose their career based on the today’s job opportunities and also choose the job that are prevailing depend on today’s business so that they have more money maker job and more improvement in their career.

In a word, by taking account all reasons I mentioned above, we may draw conclusion that it is better for the children not to choose the job similar to their parents’ ones.

TOEFL listening discussions: Why may Martha need money?

Hi Ariana, I thought you did a pretty good job with this essay. I thought your introduction could be a little better - this webpage has some good ideas on structuring an introduction as well as the rest of an essay: You addressed the prompt well and included some good support, but you have a lot of odd sounding phrases and quite a few errors in grammar and usage. Overall, I would rate this a 3.5 out of 5.