[color=blue]Hi Luschen,
Could you please check my IELTS essay and rate it on a scale of 0-9?
Thank you very much.
Topic:
Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?
In this modern era, ever mounting number of overweight adults as well as children is a serious health concern in the every country of the world. It has been observed that many diseases, which predominantly detected at old age, are found more common in the young generation. Obesity is one of such diseases. There are a number of reasons involved, but junk food and changing lifestyle are the most alarming ones.
For one, easily and readily available junk food is very popular among teenagers. Even school-age children often found partying at restaurants such as McDonalds and Dominos. The main motive behind this situation is that children neither like to cook at home nor their parents have enough time to cook. Apparently, parents often buy ready-to-eat food, which is always calorie and fat rich, for their children. Such unhealthy diet is making children obese. The only viable solution is to replace pizzas and burgers with healthy alternatives such as eggs, milk and fresh fruits. Also, parents should be educated to prevent their children from buying junk food.
Furthermore, due to technological advancement human lifestyle has dramatically changed. Instead of playing ground sports and working in the gymnasium, children prefer to spend more and more time on computer games and Internet as well. Thus, reduction in physical activities is a major contributor in teenage obesity. This can be resolved not only by encouraging traditional sports such as cricket, hockey and soccer, but also by introducing physical fitness in the curriculum.
In a nutshell, the vital reasons behind obesity in children are unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise. This infirmity can be cured and prevented by healthy food and enough physical activities.
Hi Jt, I though you did a very good job with this essay. Your content is very relevant to the topic and your arguments are convincing and well-supported. Your writing sounds fairly natural, though you do have some minor mistakes in grammar and word choice. Overall, I would rate this a band 7.
What other kind of lifestyle is there besides the one specific to mankind? The chimpanzee lifestyle? But seriously - if you say “modern lifestyle” or “today’s lifestyle” it will be better.