As promissed, I writed a new essay. Please help me to review this. Thanks in advance
Question:
The following appeared in a memo to the Saluda town council from the town’s business manager.
“Research indicates that those who exercise regularly are hospitalized less than half as often as those who don’t exercise. By providing a well-equipped gym for Saluda’s municipal employees, we should be able to reduce the cost of our group health insurance coverage by approximately 50% and thereby achieve a balanced town budget.”
Answer:
Saluda’s business manager gave the conclusion that they will get a balanced town budget and reduce the cost of group health insurance about 50% just by accommodate well-equipped gym for the town employee. The argument seems reasonable but still suffers some critical flaws.
First of all, the author conclusion lies on the assumption that a modern gym will encourage people to join it for exercising. But in fact, while doing exercise will make people healthier and help they hospitalized less, they still find their own reason for not doing do. Moreover, a well-equipped gym can not guarantee that the town’s citizen will join the gym regularly and exercise more. That the gym’s fee maybe too high or the gym’s location maybe to far the town center will make the modern facility in the gym not attractive enough for town’s communities to participate in the gym’s activities.
Second of all, even if the gym will actually pull people out of their home to do exercise, there is no specific evidence to prove that this will help reduce the town health insurance coverage’s cost. The expense for health insurance is calculated from the cost the town has to spend on the health’s problem. There are so many outside factors influencing on people health such as food, living condition or environment. People can not stay in good health if the air is polluted, the food is bad and the living condition is low. Disease and disaster also effect on people health. This makes the author’s belief that the cost of health insurance coverage will reduced respectively to the time people getting in hospital unwarranted.
In general, the author’s argument still somewhere find its convincingness. To strengthen the conclusion, the author should provide more evidence demonstrating that the modern gym will make the town’s inhabitant exercise more and this will lead a correspondingly drop in health insurance cost
TOEFL listening lectures: When was Angkor Wat constructed?
As promissed, I writed a new essay. Please help me to review this. Thanks in advance
Question:
The following appeared in a memo to the Saluda town council from the town’s business manager.
“Research indicates that those who exercise regularly are hospitalized less than half as often as those who don’t exercise. By providing a well-equipped gym for Saluda’s municipal employees, we should be able to reduce the cost of our group health insurance coverage by approximately 50% and thereby achieve a balanced town budget.”
Answer:
Saluda’s business manager gave the conclusion that they will get a balanced town budget and reduce the cost of group health insurance BY about 50% just by accommodatING A well-equipped gym for the town employeeS. The argument seems reasonable but still suffers some critical flaws.
First of all, the author conclusion lies on the assumption that a modern gym will encourage people to join it for exercising(,) but in fact, while doing exercise will make people healthier and help theM TO BE hospitalized less, they still find their own reason for not doing do. Moreover, a well-equipped gym (cannot) guarantee that the town’s citizenS will VISIT the gym regularly and exercise more. That the gym’s fee may be too high or the gym’s location maybe toO far FROM the town center will make the modern facility in the gym not attractive enough for town’s communities to participate in the gym’s activities.
Second of all, even if the gym will actually pull people out of their home to do exercise, there is no specific evidence to prove that this will help reduce the town health insurance coverage cost. The expense for health insurance is calculated from the cost the town has to spend on the health’s problem. There are so many ADDITIONAL outside factors influencing on people’S health such as food, living conditionS or THE environment. People (cannot) stay in good health if the air is polluted, the food is bad and the living conditionS ARE POOR. Disease and disaster also HAVE ADVERSE effectS on people’S health. This makes the author’s belief that the cost of health insurance coverage will reduce respectively to the time people getting in hospital unwarranted.
In general, the author’s argument still FAILS somewhAT IN findING its convincingness. To strengthen the conclusion, the author should provide more evidence demonstrating that the modern gym will make the town’s inhabitant exercise more and this will lead TO a corresponding drop in health insurance costS.
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Not too bad BS. Your sentence construction is certainly a lot better nowadays.
Kitos. 8/10