I would be thankful if you could read my essay about teleworking and let me know about my mistakes.
Nowadays many people work from home. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this situation in particular and of technologically advanced society in general.
Nowadays we are benefiting from so many advantages of recent advancement is science and technology. Researches has opened new horizons to people to live a better and easier life. Telecommunications and to be more precise IT is one of the majors in which we had a dramatic explosion of advancement. Teleworking is one of the new ways of working in which employees are not obliges to work at a specific place, so then they can freely work from any place around the globe without any limitation. In this essay I will attempt to elaborate on my viewpoints and explain my opinion with some relevant examples.
Firstly, as an environmentalist I think this is an effective proven way to reduce pollution in big cities such as Tehran, New York and Shanghai which are suffering from air pollution. There is no cast of doubt on the fact that commuting of employees to their work place demands a high volume of fossil fuel, and it is clear that car emission of such a large number of vehicles comprises a big portion of air pollution in big cities. On one hand we have a steep positive trend of immigration of work force to big cities, and on the other hand a gentle rate in construction of infrastructure of transportation such as new roads, bridges and means of travel inside cities in general, so then we can conclude that the only proven way to control air pollution in such cities is teleworking.
Moreover, this way of working can support mothers who have to leave their job due to pregnancy, and other motherhood duties. In most parts of the world mother can enjoy an official 90 days leave of absence from their work during their pregnancy, and after giving birth of their child, but the true story is that in most cases their position will be occupied by a new one, and that is why in women consider pregnancy, equal to losing their jobs. I personally think that by this new method of working mothers can work without stress of losing their careers.
Finally, remote working can lead to more production and wealth by cutting some costs such as costs of the building, power and water bills, and the commodities required for an office, in addition to this longer hours of working can definitely bring about more income, and hopefully this additional income lead into more jobs and less crimes.
Taking everything into consideration, I would say that teleworking is a new way of working, and because its known drawback are less than benefits, I strongly suggest it to people who can try it, more over as I mentioned above it not only is beneficial for individuals but also it has some benefits for the whole society.
To begin with a fly in the ointment, you were expected to “discuss the advantages and disadvantages” of working from home. For the essay to be balanced, I’d think of disadvantages too.
The places I would correct are follows:
Nowadays we benefit
Telecommunications are
‘one of the majors’—I’d suggest ’fields\areas’ instead
employees are not obliged
The idiom is ‘to cast doubt on something’ (to cause uncertainty about something). Perhaps ‘there’s no doubt about the fact that’
‘Fossil fuel‘ as it is, can’t be used in cars and therefore can’t be blamed for air pollution…
On the one hand, we have a steep rise in work force migrating towards big cities’ possibly.
‘The only proven way to control air pollution in such cities is teleworking’ –‘one of the possible solutions to control…’ would be better to me.
due to pregnancy [no comma] and other
In most parts of the world a mother
during their pregnancy[no comma] and after giving birth to
occupied by a new worker [not new mother]
and that is why if women consider pregnancy, it almost equals to
Personally, I think that with this new method
required for an office;
this additional income could lead to more jobs
its known drawbacks are
moreover, as I mentioned above,
But for some errors, essay is well-written and your arguments sound persuasive.
It’s much easier to read and follow your ideas this time.
It’s too late now that Eugene has answered you. I see you posted in the Essays forum, but you used someone else’s topic instead of starting a topic of your own.
Thank you so much indeed for your valuable comments.
The expression you used at the beginning of your post, fly in the ointment, was completely new for me, thanks for this new expression.
I would be thankful if you could answer the following questions.
Do you mean
Telecommunications and to be more precise IT are? but I think IT is a singular noun.
Why do you think that I do not need a comma in the following sentences?
due to pregnancy [no comma] and other.
during their pregnancy[no comma] and after giving birth to.
Could you kindly give another sentence instead of dramatic explosion of advancement?
I think 90 days is wrong and the correct form is 90-day. Do you agree with me?
Nowadays many people work from home. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this situation in particular and of technologically advanced society in general.
Nowadays we benefit from so many advantages of recent advancement in science and technology. Researches have opened new horizons to people to live a better and easier life. Telecommunications, and to be more precise IT, are is one of the fields/areas in which we had a dramatic explosion of advancement. Teleworking is one of the new ways of working in which employees are not obliged to work at a specific place, so then they can freely work from any place around the globe without any limitation. In this essay I will attempt to elaborate on my viewpoints and explain my opinion with some relevant examples.
Firstly, as an environmentalist I think this is an effective proven way to reduce pollution in big cities such as Tehran, New York and Shanghai which are suffering from air pollution. There is no doubt about the fact that commuting of employees to their work place demands a high volume of fossil fuel, and it is clear that car emissions of such a large number of vehicles comprise a big portion of air pollution in big cities. On the one hand, we have a steep rise in workforce migrating towards big cities, and on the other hand a gentle rate in construction of infrastructure of transportation such as new roads, bridges and means of travel inside cities in general, so then we can conclude that one of the possible solutions to control air pollution in such cities is teleworking.
Moreover, this way of working can support mothers who have to leave their job due to pregnancy, and other motherhood duties. In most parts of the world a mother can enjoy an official 90 days leave of absence from their work during their pregnancy, and after giving birth to their child, but the true story is that in most cases their position will be occupied by a new worker, and that is why women consider pregnancy, equal to losing their jobs. Personally, I think that with this new method of working, mothers can work without the stress of losing their careers.
Finally, remote working can lead to more production and wealth by cutting some costs such as costs of the building, power and water bills, and the commodities required for an office;, in addition to this longer hours of working can definitely bring about more income, and hopefully this additional income could lead to into more jobs and lower crime rates less crimes.
Taking everything into consideration, I would say that teleworking/telecommute is a new way of working, and because its known drawbacks are less than the benefits, I strongly suggest it to people who can try it., Moreover, as I mentioned above, not only is it beneficial for individuals, but also it has some benefits for the whole society.
Hi Amir,
Reading your essay on the hoof, I could quite easily overlook something, sorry.
I was reading it like, “Telecommunications and to be more precise, IT [= the two fields together] are”. Now I think you were correct using ‘is’(“Telecommunications and to be more precise, IT” = ‘Telecommunications, or rather IT,…”
Look at: “…this way of working can support mothers who have to leave their job due to pregnancy and other motherhood duties.” It reads ‘mothers who have to leave…due to [one thing] and [another thing].’ Similar to: He had to leave his job due to bad working conditions and (also) low wage. (‘due to’ covers both things). No comma.
I would end the sentence with ‘…in which a substantial breakthrough has been achieved’.
A couple of touches. (Punctuation is a different story and it takes time to master it).
Firstly, as an environmentalist[comma]
demands a high volume of fossil fuel = requires a great amount of fuel–I wouldn’t use ‘fossil fuel’ here.
[and] on the other hand[comma] a gentle rate/modest rate
I’d insist on: “ and that is why if women consider pregnancy, it almost equals to…” (=the situation is an equivalent to)