I’ve written a new IELTS essay.
Could you help me to revise it?
Thank you a lot
Topic: At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
In some countries, young people currently outnumber the older. Although I recognize some drawbacks of this trend, I believe there are far more benefits.
There are several disadvantages associated with the trend of increasing youth population. The first issue is the growing pressure on housing and public services which need to be upgraded and maintained more frequently to satisfy the high demand of young people. For example, many under-thirty adults who may commute daily among a variety of positions in the city would definitely require much more superior buses or underground metro system. Another problem is that an oversupply of labor force may lead to higher competition in job market. It would be impossible for youngsters who may be not well-equipped or not hold an academic certificate to land their desired careers, resulting in the rise of unemployment rate.
However, the escalating number of young people has significant advantages. Firstly, with creativity skills, a young and vibrant workforce usually has a plethora of new ideas which can be implemented to not only bring profit to the companies but transform the whole society. For instance, Facebook or AirBnB which are among different tech start-ups that were founded by young entrepreneurs have completely changed the ways people communicate or travel, respectively. Secondly, young adults have the great potential to adopt new technologies, which enable them to increase productivity on daily duties. Finally, the more people engage in the job market, the more money we can get from taxes to invest in infrastructure.
In conclusion, the rising young population may pose some problems to our society, but I am of the opinion that there are a lot more social and economic benefits.
Hi Lemin, I thought you did a really good job with this essay. It is very well written,
with only a few errors that I could spot. I might question your overall format though.
Your thesis states that the advantages far outnumber the disadvantages,
but you have not really demonstrated this in your actual essay. I suppose you did list 2 disadvantages and 3 advantages, but I would have expected the hear how the disadvantages are relatively minor when compared to the advantages.
Even in your conclusion, you don’t really explain or summarize what supports your opinion, you just restate the opinion. Also, a lot of the disadvantages in your first paragraph seem to involve increasing population rather than a shifting of ages in a stable population. So for instance there won’t necessarily need to be more houses, but maybe a larger proportion of smaller, cheaper houses that young people just starting out can afford, plus more nursing homes and retirement communities that can address the needs of older people.
