A joke of computer nerds

Ahmadov · January 27, 2006, 11:43am

Dear friends on this web site, I am posting a joke which a friend of mine sent to me a couple of days ago. I like it very much, and hope you will also enjoy it. I call this “a joke of computer nerds”.

"Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0
installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and
Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain
about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and
Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife
1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files
from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because
Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your
Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work
on improving the situation. I suggest installing the
background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate
software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the
command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will
have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be
very high maintenance.

Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs,
such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills >4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper use will cause the system to
launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0
is to purchase additional software. I recommend
Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances,
install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is > not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support"

Conchita · February 6, 2006, 12:02pm

I was going to answer with a single phrase such as ‘no comment’. But it is a joke after all and we must have a sense of humour, mustn’t we? Besides, I found the exact feminist counterpart of this sexist jest and couldn’t resist sending it. Enjoy it!

Dear Tech Support:

Help!! Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the
accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and
jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No
mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In
addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
Dinner dancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0,
Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs,
and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run
DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix Husband 1.0, but this general purpose utility is of limited
effectiveness.

Can you help, please!!! Signed, Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due
to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by
its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0
because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files
within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so
nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed
once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error
messages are common and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to
play some of their “old time” favourite applications, or to get new
applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or
Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than
encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under “Warnings: Divorce/Child Support”. You will
notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with
Hearbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0 and just learn the
quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must
assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of
root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:/I
THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously
while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications
Apologise 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create
additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a
C:/I APOLOGISE command before the system will return to normal
operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to
GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad
program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring
Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run
all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program,
but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications
quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used
in conjunction, these utilities can really keep Husband 1.0 running
smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you
will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1,
Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install
Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the
coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely, Tech Support

Ahmadov · February 6, 2006, 5:39pm

Great!!!
Now we have a gender balanced joke here.
Actually, I saw this joke just as a joke of computer nerds. For me this has aspects of professional addiction, rather than sexist nature. However, you have done this safe for readers of different world outlook. Thanks for this Conchita, you are very helpful as always.

Zahir

Sidle_Jinks · February 8, 2006, 1:42am

There is an “extended” version of this joke, it is located at azcompuguy.com/polyparadise/techsupport.htm and is quite long to be quoted here. Hope you will enjoy!

Sidle_Jinks · February 8, 2006, 1:46am

And there are several other ones “for balance”:

dr1.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16058

Ceicil · February 13, 2006, 2:07pm

great