Young adults' independence from their parents

Please help me correct the essay. Thank you very much.

Topic: Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

There has been a heated debate concerning the living of young adult. In fact, there is a growing sentiment that put more emphasis on the importance of an independence of some young adults from their parents as soon as possible. At the same time, there is a solid body of opinion that dislike that idea instead they prefer to live with their families for a longer time. In my opinion, I concur with the former for two primary reasons.

First of all, there can sometimes be drawbacks, but the situation can also bring out the best in young adults. It’s a perfect opportunity to learn how to cook your favorite dishes. Finding good recipes online for, say, couldn’t be easier. A still remains an epitome of the argument set forth therein.

Secondly, it means nobody is there to nag you or tell you what to do, which is great even though you may forget one or two little things. Then, not having parents around is a chance to prove that you can be independent and even deal with difficult situations occasionally. For instance, when my parents are out for work, I stay at home alone that means I have to do everything by myself such as washing the dishes after eating meals, sweeping the floors… but I don’t find it boring instead giving me more experiences.

Some may argue that it may be dangerous if you live on your own, providing evidence that without your parents, you need to cope with any domestic emergencies yourself. For example, if the bathroom floods, you need to sort it out. However, we cannot reach the conclusion without considering concrete examples.

To sum up, I think the independence in young adults from their parents outweigh their living with families for a longer time. Despite the risk of problems it’s an important part of growing up.

TOEFL listening discussions: A conversation between a student and an HR interviewer

Hi, for the most part, your writing in this essay was pretty clear and understandable.
You did have that really weird sentence though that I couldn’t make heads or tails of.
But I don’t think your arguments were very convincing in this one.
Please see my detailed comments below.