Hi Sir, could you please feed back my essay.
Q - ) You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice.
A - )
In order to have high standarts of living, people have been trying to work hard. All they want is to have a house in order to have happy life and to grow up their children in the prosperity. On the other hand, they have to earn so much money to reach their goals. As you can see, purchasing a house is the people’s goal, and working in a business is their way how they can achieve their goal. I strongly believe that if you are not wealthy, you should purchase a business before buying a house.
The most important reason why I prefer a business to a house is that we can earn enough money in our business. On the other hand, if we pay our money to a house we can not have any income to survive. For example, my uncle was a poor person before he did not take his current business, contributing vending machine. After he had decided to take a job, he received credit from a bank. He found very innovative idea, his current business, and then he paid all money to this work. Nowadays, he and his wife have been on holiday in Rome. He has three luxurous houses and two cars. I think he achieved his aim thanks to his intelligent choice.
The most important reason why I do not prefer a house is that we can loan a room, and live there. In my opinion it is not important to survive in cramped room. I know that by having good business I will have been rich in five years may be in immediate future.
On the other hand, some people against my claim, because they think that taking a business is risky and unsafe, and people can loose their money. I know taking a business is so risky that we can loose all our money, however I also know that people can not be rich in business life unless they take risks.
Finally, before we purchase a house we should take a business. Thanks to the business, we can have one or more houses in immidate future. In addition, it is worth to deal with its unsafe and risky sides.
A - )
In order to have high standarDs of living, people have been trying to work hard. All they want is to have a house in order to have A happy life and to grow up RAISE their children in the prosperity. On the other hand, they have to earn so much money to reach their goals. As you can see, purchasing a house is the people’s goal, and working in a business is their way how they can OF achievING their goal. I strongly believe that if you are not wealthy, you should purchase a business before buying a house.
The most important reason why I prefer a business to a house is that we can earn enough money in our business. On the other hand, if we pay our money FOR a house we /(cannot)/MAY NOT/ have ENOUGH income to survive.
For example, my uncle was a poor person before he did not take STARTED his current business WITH A contributing vending machine. After he had decided to take a job, he received credit from a bank. He found A very innovative idea(.) His current business, and then he paid all money to this work.
Nowadays, he and his wife have been on holiday in Rome. He has three luxurIous houses and two cars. I think he achieved his aim thanks to his intelligent choice.
The most important reason why I do not prefer a house is that we can RENT a room, and live there. In my opinion it is not important to survive in A cramped room. I know that by having A good business I will have been COULD BE rich in five years(,) OR maybe in THE immediate future.
On the other hand, some people ARGUE against my claim, because they think that taking a business is risky and unsafe, and people can LOSE their money. I know taking a business is so risky that we can LOSE all our money, however I also know that people cannot beCOME rich in business life unless they take risks.
Finally, before we purchase a house we should take a business. Thanks to the business, we can have one or more houses in THE IMMEDIATE future. In addition, it is worth to deal with its unsafe and risky sides.
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Not too good Can. At times it was difficult to follow your train of thought. Your overall work is quite good though.