Writing Task 2 - Topic: Education

Hi Mr. Luschen, my name is Noa Uy which means Norway in English. I would like to express myself grateful from the bottom of my heart towards your helps. I made a lot of mistakes especially meeting topic’s prompt. In the following essay, I tried to answer directly the topic’s question and avoid oddities. Please evaluate my essay and give me advice. Thank you so much!:hugs::hugs:
Topic: Children who grow up in families which are short of money are better prepared with the problems of adult life than children who are brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

As the saying goes “child is the father of the man”; therefore, many people are of belief that children growing up in penurious families can equip themselves with a variety of crucial life skills such as solving problems, high adaptation and flexibility for adulthood compared to those living in luxury. In my opinion, I disagree that children nourished by the have-nots are better prepared for their future than those raising with the haves.

On the one hand, children growing up in poverty often encounter with numerous serious social issues such as chemical dependency, diseases or financial stress owing to the lack of parental protection. In the absence of fundamental practical life skills, they may fail to adapt to the complexity of modern life. For this reason, they have to explore and accumulate experience so that they can make sense of the world and be more rounded as a person. Such exposure is somewhat considered as a great stepping-stone to prepare for maturity age.

On the other hand, children nourished by the wealthy families have better opportunities to access higher education and develop their inborn merits that the have-nots cannot afford. For example, impoverished people may have difficulties with the entry of prestigious colleges due to the high tuition fees while the wealthy are likely to study in an excellent academic environment with professionalism of teachers and high quality of facilities. Obviously, they can also acquire various soft skills via extracurricular activities and field trips from schools. As a result, they can broaden their horizons and brighten their future career prospects that can be regarded as a contributing factor for the next generations.

In conclusion, both schools of thoughts are reasonable and acceptable. Nevertheless, raising up with fully financial supports seems to be more advantageous than those facing with monetary problems as mentioned above.

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Hi Noa Uy, thank you so much for your kind words. I am afraid you have not quite written the correct format of essay for this type of prompt. This is a “to what extent to you agree/disagree”. Your thesis is fine, as you state that you disagree that poor children are better prepared for life.
But your first body paragraph, at least the end of it, seems to contradict this thesis.
You should pick one side or the other and only support that side. So here, your first paragraph should give the disadvantages of being poor and the second paragraph should give the advantages of being rich. Maybe that is what you were trying to do - at least your second body paragraph was very effective. But your first body paragraph and the first sentence of your conclusion confused me. Here are some other suggestions:

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Thank you for your advice.
I wonder if I turn the sentence “Such exposure is somewhat considered as a great stepping-stone to prepare for maturity age.” into “Such exposure is somewhat considered as a barrier to prepare for maturity age.”, my essay will be more stronger?

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Yes, that would be an improvement. The problem is this sentence:

It seems too positive. I made some changes to make it sound like this positive outcome will be more of a challenge for them:

but the best change would be to make this sentence negative instead. Instead of poor people becoming well-rounded adults, you want to say that it is more likely they will end up in jail or unemployed or otherwise be unsuccessful and a drain on society.

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Also, I forgot to say that “maturity age” is incorrect - it should just be “to prepare for maturity”. “The age of maturity” means age 18 or age 21 - when you are officially an adult.

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