Writing Task 2- Education

[Th_Bui]

Please give me some comments . Thanks a lot
Topic: Some people think the main purpose of education is to make individuals useful to society, other say that education helps them to achieve personal ambitions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
My essay:
Nowadays, the role of education has been an increasingly widespread concern. While some people believe that many students, who are given education can fulfill their individual targets, I think that schooling for students is more beneficial to society.

On the one hand, there are two underlying reasons why education is an effective method for students to achieve desirable goals. Firstly, it is common knowledge that with the access to education, youngsters can not only broaden their theoretical knowledge but also nurture soft skills such as problem-solving, communication and teamwork skills, which could help them to have countless opportunities to get many jobs with higher incomes. That leads to a considerable improvement in their living standard. Moreover, when completing many courses and training at school, these students could have more qualifications rather than those not having passed the courses, in turn stand a higher chance of moving up the ladder and earn the feelings of being highly esteemed, which would satisfy their personal ambitions

On the other hand, I content that education should be given to students for the sake of society. To begin with, being well-educated by many good teachers and professors at school is of great advantage to the development of students’ moral foundation. As a result, these students gradually become many good citizens. In addition, educations would help students discover their potential abilities together with pushing out the horizon of their knowledge. Consequently, these students would make breakthroughs in this particular fields, which would an important impetus for the development of their countries. For example, after pursuing tertiary education at Chicago University, Ngo Bao Chau has made many staggering achievements in mathematics like the fundamental lemma for automorphic forms and considerable contributions to Vietnamese educational programs.

In conclusion, although education is advantageous to both individuals and society, it seems to me that education plays a more important role in making society better rather than helping individuals attain their objectives.

[Luschen]

Hi Th Bui, this seems like a pretty tough topic, and I think you handled it pretty well.
Your first paragraph seemed to focus exclusively on students’ going to school so they can do well in business. The prompt says “personal ambitions” - I don’t know if you can assume that everyone’s ambition is to be a big boss and make a lot of money. Maybe some want to be artists, or musicians, or some other job that may seem “useful to society”. So I read the prompt as asking whether we should let students study whatever they have an interest in, learning for the sake of learning, or should the focus of education be to create a workforce for the future, so science and business courses should be stressed, so that the main motivation of going to school is to get a job, and the love of knowledge is clearly secondary. I guess from my description you can see where my biases lie! Anyway, sorry for the sidetrack. Your writing was clear and understandable for the most part, but you did have some grammar mistakes and other small errors in usage. Here are some comments:

@Th_Bui

Nowadays, the role of education has been an increasingly widespread concern. While some people believe that many students, who are given education can fulfill their individual targets, I think that schooling for students is more beneficial to society. {This sentence is very confusing to me. The end part sounds like you are saying that schooling is more beneficial to society than not going to school. And “fulfill individual targets” is too vague to be clear here. Maybe “… concern. The public has widely divergent views, with some seeing education as a means for students to pursue their individual dreams. Others argue that schools should focus more on creating useful citizens who can make their nation stronger. Both viewpoints have their strengths, but I think schooling that concentrates on the collective good of society is better than simply fulfilling individual students’ goals.”}

On the one hand, there are two underlying reasons why education is an effective method for students to achieve desirable goals. Firstly, it is common knowledge that with the access to education, youngsters can not only broaden their theoretical knowledge but also nurture soft skills such as problem-solving, communication and teamwork skills, which could help them to have countless opportunities to get many [high paying] jobs with higher incomes. {it was ok, but this sounds more natural} That [would lead] to a considerable improvement in their living [standards]. Moreover, when completing many courses and [undergoing extensive] training {there was a problem with your sentence, because “many courses” is fine but “many training” is not. By adding this, it makes it clear the “many” applies only to “courses”} at school, these students could have more qualifications rather than [compared to] those not having passed the courses[. In turn, these highly education graduates] stand a higher chance of moving up the ladder and [earning] the feelings of being highly esteemed, {or they could skip all that moving up the ladder and just decide to feel good about themselves no matter how outwardly successful they appear! Sorry, had to insert that little comment! } which would satisfy their personal ambitions

On the other hand, I [contend] that education should be given to students for the sake of society. To begin with, being well-educated by many good teachers and professors at school is of great advantage to the development of students’ moral foundation. As a result, these students gradually become many good citizens. In addition, [education] would help students discover their potential abilities together with pushing out the horizon of their knowledge. Consequently, these students would {“may” seems better} make breakthroughs in [their] particular fields, which would [form] an important impetus for the development of their countries. For example, after pursuing tertiary education at Chicago University, [the famous mathematician] {you might want to introduce people the reader may not be familiar with} Ngo Bao Chau has made many staggering achievements in mathematics[,] like the fundamental lemma for automorphic forms and considerable contributions to Vietnamese educational programs.

In conclusion, although education is advantageous to both individuals and society, it seems to me that education plays a more important role in making society better rather than [simply] helping individuals attain their objectives.