[Writing Task 2]CITIES

[Th_Bui]

Please give me some comments, Thanks a lot
Some people think that it is best to live in a horizontal city while others think of a vertical city. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

My topic: Settling down in a city with whether skyscrapers or lower-rise constructions has stirred up considerable controversy. While there are merits to people living in high-rise buildings, I firmly believe that dwelling in horizontal areas is a better choice.
On the one hand, living in a vertical city is of tremendous benefit to residents. The first advantage is that skyscrapers are multipurpose with a variety of shopping malls and commercial establishments which can satisfy inhabitants’ need for relaxation and entertainment. In other words, it is a great convenience for inhabitants to go shopping and take part in recreational activities in one place. In addition, staying at high-rise apartments can guarantee safety for residents. Obviously, with professional security guards and the state-of-the-art managing facilities such as fingerprint recognition system, it is an impossible task for thieves and strangers to take illegal actions in high-rise buildings.
On the other hand, I am adamant that horizontal city is a better ideal place to settle down due to two underlying benefits. Firstly, low-rise construction has more space than skyscrapers, which makes dwellers feel more comfortable and enjoy their private time. For example, compared to individuals living in residential areas, those who abide in a horizontal city can have enough space to built a garden or a swimming pool. As a result, these people can find peace of mind and achieve a higher state of happiness in their own house without being disturbed. Moreover, residents living in a horizontal city can have financial savings. Given that high-rise buildings’ services such as rent, safety, and sanitation fee are too prohibitive for citizens who live under poor conditions, these individuals can put money aside for other more important activities when living in a horizontal city.
In conclusion, though both of the aforementioned living areas have their own unique advantages, I would prefer living in a horizontal city rather than a city with skyscrapers.

[Luschen]

Hi Thư Bùi, for this type of essay prompt, I think it is better to present the two sides in two objective paragraphs, then wait until a separate third paragraph to give your opinion - this third paragraph can be combined with your conclusion. This will make clear to the grader that you have answered each of the three parts of the prompt and also prevent having a single-sentence conclusion paragraph, which some graders don’t like. This said, your writing here is very good. I was only able to find a few errors. Here are my suggestions:

@Th_Bui

Settling down in a city[, whether one with] skyscrapers or [with] lower-rise [construction] {“construction” is almost always non-countable} has stirred up considerable controversy. {this is still not right - you need something like “The choice of what type of city to settle down in, whether one with …”} {plus, this is not really a controversial topic, it is more of just a personal decision people make} While there are merits to people living in high-rise buildings, I firmly believe that dwelling in horizontal areas[, with wide, low buildings,] {I think it was still not completely clear what “horizontal areas” meant} is a better choice.
On the one hand, living in a vertical city is of tremendous benefit to residents. The first advantage is that skyscrapers are multipurpose with a variety of shopping malls and commercial establishments which can satisfy inhabitants’ need for relaxation and entertainment. In other words, it is a great convenience for inhabitants to go shopping and take part in recreational activities in one place. In addition, staying [in] high-rise apartments can guarantee safety for residents. Obviously, with professional security guards and the state-of-the-art managing {maybe “security” is better than managing here} facilities such as fingerprint recognition [systems], it is an impossible task for thieves and strangers to take illegal actions {“commit crimes” sounds more natural than “take illegal actions”} in high-rise buildings.
On the other hand, I am adamant that [a ]horizontal city is a better ideal place {or “a more ideal place”} to settle down due to two underlying benefits. Firstly, low-rise construction has {“provides more space” is better here} more space than skyscrapers, which makes dwellers feel more comfortable and enjoy their private time. For example, compared to individuals living in [high-rise] residential areas, those who abide {this is funny, because I mentioned last week in a men’s group that the only place I ever hear “abide” is in church or religious meetings - “abide with God” and the movie “The Big Lebowski” - “the dude abides”. To me it seems like an odd word. I think “reside” is better here} in a horizontal city can have enough space to [build] a garden or a swimming pool. As a result, these people can find peace of mind and achieve a higher state of happiness in their own house without being disturbed. Moreover, residents living in a horizontal city can have financial savings. Given that high-rise buildings’ services such as rent, safety, and sanitation [fees] are too prohibitive for citizens who live under poor conditions, these individuals can put money aside for other more important activities when living in a horizontal city.
In conclusion, though both of the aforementioned living areas have their own unique advantages, I would prefer living in a horizontal city rather than a city with skyscrapers. {I would try to expand this conclusion so you don’t have a single-sentence paragraph}