Writing task 2 - cam 18 - test 4 - please help me correct my essay!

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Since the health science had many outstanding breakthroughs, the average life expectancy of human has significantly improved. Some people show that aging population carries heavy burden for government while others consider more elderly people is beneficial to society. This essay argues that the drawbacks of this outweigh the advantages. The essay will first demonstrate that the shortage of labour forces and the high demand for healthcare services are two major problems which the policymakers are struggling to scope with, followed by the analysis of how the primary advantage, namely stimulating economic growth, is not valid.
The main problem of any country having aging population is that their demand for human resources excesses their supply. Due to low birth rate in aging countries, many families are usually lack of descendants, leading to the serious shortage of human resources. For example, Japan is a typical country for that circumstance. The Japanese government has developed many solutions of recruiting international workers, engineers, and loosening immigrant policy for the high-quality labour as well. However, they just solve temporally the thirst of young labour forces in Japan. In addition, the rapid aging rate put high pressure on health care services and create burden on government budget for social welfare. The elder people live alone without their offspring, really need nursing assistants take care of them in their daily life. Simultaneously, government also spend much money into nursing homes and health care services to meet the high demand in society. Typically, Sweden strives to solve that problems when the number of doctors and nurses are not enough to tend the increasing number of patients. The Sweden government had therefore spent a large portion of budget to inviting foreign health experts.
Those opposed to this say that it can promote economy, because aging countries usually have low interest rates that creates favourable conditions for economic agents. The elderly people experienced the asset accumulating process, so the supply of capital is in surplus, leading to a fall of interest rate in these countries. However, to improve economic growth, there are many factors apart from interest rates. For instance, the interest rates of Japan are much lower than many other countries, but the main drivers of economic growth are technology and international trade while it sells its products around the world.
On balance, the fact that aging population leads to a deficit in human resources and create burden for government and society clearly outweighs the flawed argument that it contributes to lower interest rates and stimulate economic growth.

Let me make swift scanning.

"[Since the health science had many outstanding breakthroughs, the average life expectancy of human has significantly improved. Some people show that aging population causes heavy burden for government while others consider more elderly people are beneficial to society.

Let me make an attempt to argue that the drawbacks of this issue outweigh its advantages. First, it is the shortage of labour forces and the high demand for healthcare services that constitute the two major problems which the policymakers are struggling to cope with, followed by the analysis of how the primary advantage, namely stimulating economic growth, is not valid.

The main problem of any country having elderly population is that its demand for human resources exceeds its supply due to low birth rate. Many families usually lack descendants, leading to the serious shortage of human resources. For example, Japan is a typical country in this regard. The Japanese government has tried many solutions like recruiting international workers, engineers, and relaxing immigrant policy for the high-quality labour as well. However, these measures solve the problem just temporally. In addition, the rapid aging rate puts high pressure on health-care services, and creates burden on the government budget for social welfare.

The elderly people live alone without their offspring, or nursing assistants to take care of them in their daily life. Simultaneously, the government also spends large amounts of money on nursing homes and health-care services to meet the rising demand in society.

Typically, Sweden strives to solve these problems by hiring a number of health experts like doctors and nurses to attend on the increasing number of patients. The Swedish government has thus spent a large portion of its budget for this.
Those opposed to this measure say that it can promote economy, because countries with aging population usually have low interest rates that create favourable conditions for economic exploiters. The elderly people experienced in the asset-accumulating process, cause the supply of capital to be in surplus, leading to a fall of interest rate in these countries. However, to improve economic growth, there are many factors apart from interest rates. For instance, the interest rates of Japan are much lower than those of many other countries, but the main drivers of economic growth are technology and international trade while it sells its products around the world.

To conclude, the fact that aging population leads to a deficit in human resources and creates burden on government and society clearly outweighs the flawed argument that it contributes to lower interest rates and stimulates economic growth.]"

(The essay can be rated for a score between three and five points out of 10)